Cars, Pigs, and Electical Shocks to the Wanker

July 10, 2009

For the first time in six weeks, the sun has been shining in Maine. And no, that is absolutely not an exaggeration. I can't even begin to tell you how happy and relieved I am to see some yellow light in the blue, blue sky. Greyness wears on my soul, and let me tell you, my soul was dangerously close to kicking my husband's ass. Thankfully--due to the weather and not my propensity toward self control--we're still very happily married. The bliss marches on.

Anywho, we had a big week over here in the Lawson house, so I'll go ahead and catch you up on things:

1. I'm now officially 27 weeks pregnant, and according to most sources, that means I'm in my 3rd trimester. In honor of this milestone, I've become absolutely huge. Here's a story to prove it: There's this creepy guy in my office building--you know, the type who has a weird ponytail, outdated glasses, and is so stinking quiet you question whether or not his lips are sewn shut? Mmm hmm, that guy. But yesterday, when I walked past his door he did a quick double-take, and before his mind could filter his mouth he blurted, "Whoa! What happened to you? You look like you're about to explode!"

I stopped, stared for a second and said, "Ummm. I'm pregnant?"

And he was all, "But what happened?"

So I was like, "Well John, sometimes, when man and a woman love each other very much, they..."

Thankfully this phone rang right on cue, because honestly, I had no idea where I was headed with that story.

2. We actually bought a new car. I'm not lying, it's sitting in my garage. Right next to the '89 Blazer that I love so much.

Jared thinks we're going to sell the Blazer for for $500 in the newspaper. I, on the other hand, think we're going to slap some antique plates on that beauty and start featuring it at local car shows--Bondo, rust, and all!

Official Kelly Blue Book value: $181.

3. Last night, when I brought the new car home, Jared was itching to go for a ride. I, in my infinite wisdom, suggested that we take James to the local strawberry farm--after all, I heard a rumor that they have baby pigs. So off we went, with a four year old boy, a very new vehicle, and light grey interior to enjoy the sight of swine.

When we arrived at the farm and asked for the piglets, the friendly farmer directed us to a big clump of woods, telling us that "The pigs er back thar."

"Well ookeey."

We drove back to the one acre-ish stand of trees and sure enough eight baby pigs came barreling out of the woods and toward the electric fence. Well, seven actually--the brown one just kept on lounging in the food trough.

These suckers were up to their elbows in pure mud, and James was (obviously) thrilled beyond capacity. He leaned over the fence to pat a piglet on the bum, tripped over the electric fence, and landed in the pig mud.

I stood there, silent, shocked, reluctant to grab my child--because hello!, I have no idea if he's a conductor of electricity or not, and I was in no mood to get shocked when I had a perfectly able-bodied husband standing directly to my left.

I was like, "Jared, save him."

And Jared was like, "I think you should save him, he needs his mother."

So I was all, "I'll save him, but next time you want me to touch your you-know-what I'm putting on a pair of wool socks and rubbing my feet all over the carpet before I do it. That way you'll know how your kid feels."

I won. Jared picked him up. Turns out the electric fence was off, thank heavens, stars, and goodness.

So now, we have a sweet new car with an iPod jack and the scent of piglet poop.

It's good to be a Lawson.

15 comments:

Rachel said...

Ugh! I know how you feel - we just bought a new car too. My husband's in love and wants to drive it everywhere. Well, when you have two children struggling through a bout of diarrhea, he learned it might be best to drive them around in the older vehicle. Our new car smell is gone too :(

chattypatra said...

Ah, the female power of persuasion. I learn so much from your blog!

Chris said...

Your blog gets me in trouble all the time at work..."why are you laughing and crying....wellll"

Thanks

Lauren said...

Just the smell of piglet poop! How'd you manage that? I'm guessing a lot of oxiclean.

Michemily said...

Congrats on the new car (I want to hear more details) and the new air freshener.

Kadi, John and girls said...

I'm always in hysterics when I read your Blog Amy! Thanks for making me laugh :) :)!!!!

Grandma said...

Just how long did James have to wait to be rescued while you guys were deciding who would get him?

Jillybean said...

Just wait until somebody throws up in the car, then you'll hardly even notice the smell of piglet poop.

(when our son was little and we took him on long car trips, he would throw up every two hours or 100 miles, whichever came first)

Amber Lynae said...

Creepy office guy needs to go have a talk with his parents, or his high school gym teacher. I think he missed a day or something.

I hope you enjoyed the new car smell while it lasted. I would tell you to get some air freshener, but I am not 100% sold on their ability to work. When I complain that my husband has again stunk up our entire house he goes and sprays the tropical scented air freshner. Then I just think the house smells like tropical farts. But the under current of stink is just mingled. They don't help very much. Oh well. I hope you enjoy the new car regardless.

pam said...

your stories are seriously the best EVAH :)

MarionR said...

Amy, this is Marion R., the neighborhood historian neighbot to your sister Katy, husband Rob, and kids Tyler and Jennie.

You did it again, my friend: Both I AND my 75 year old mother, Betty, laughed so hard and loud to this story that we were heard outside the house. Our neighbor's 4 yo Keiko and son Takeshi asked "what's so funny?"

So, mom read them the story, and both were wondering "What did the piglets think?"

In hysterics,
Marion ;)

Bootchez said...

Nice way to christen the new vehicle, and show it who's boss.

X-Country2 said...

I'll have to remember the wool sock trick. SHould come in very handy some time soon.

Sarah said...

what kind of car did you get?

Smarry said...

Very nice article thank you for the posting.............

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Smarry
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