Laziness Rewarded

September 11, 2009

If I had to wager a guess, my posting will be really sporadic for the next month or two. I'm just completely wiped out, you guys.

I don't remember feeling this way with James, but then again, by the time I was 36 weeks I had quit my horror show of a job and my life consisted of leisurely trips to Target and afternoon walks around the park--seriously.

I didn't have a 4-year-old spewing on his walls at 3 o'clock in the morning (happened last night), a 4-year-old to lift in and out of grocery carts (listen, I'd let him walk, but the kid steals things), and I most definitely didn't have work meetings at 6 o'clock on a Friday night (bitter doesn't even begin to describe it).

My hat goes off to moms of 3 and 4 and 19 kids. They deserve all the liquor and sexy naked man calendars that this fine world has to offer.

Yesterday afternoon, when James got home from school, I declared that we would take a walk to the nearby Post Office. It's only about .7 miles from our house, and my intention was to teach James how to count the envelopes, ask for stamps, pay, and get change--all while using his very best manners. I would collect my Mother of the Year award as we happily waltzed out the door.

Well, we arrived at the Post Office approximately 3 minutes after the van from the local assisted living facility, and I was in rugged shape--temped to take a drag or two off their oxygen tanks if you know what I mean. Needless to say there were at least a dozen seniors (bless their pace-makers) waiting in line for stamps, agonizing over the bears, the balloons, or the flags when it was finally their turn.

Folks, I simply couldn't handle it.

So guess what I did...

I planted my big, fat ass on a bench next to the picture window that looks into the lobby, gave James his "Son, It's High Time You Become an Independent Man" speech a few years early, and sent him in to brave the line all by himself.

I scratched my crotch and supervised through the plexiglass--as any good mother would.

Well let me tell you, James was the undisputed belle of the ball. The seniors Ohhhhed and Ahhhhhed and rubbed his curly hair over and over again. He made a lot of casual conversation with our elderly neighbors who all (I kid you not) loitered in the lobby to watch him order the stamps, and clapped (CLAPPED!) when he did so successfully.

I swear to high heavens, if they had had the proper equipment (and were in good enough cardiovascular health), they would have hoisted him up in a throne and paraded him around like one of those native African princes.

After James took his bow, they filed out of the Post Office--with their canes and walkers and osteoporotic backs--all wearing gigantic goofy grins across their faces. As they inched back to their van most of the group stopped to thank me for sharing my son with them, and complimented me on being an excellent mother for raising such an independent and confident young boy.

I was like, "Really? I'm just huge and slow, and I only sent him in there because my nether regions are friggin' killing me! Thank you, thank you, thank you for not calling CPS."

Because of the overwhelming positive response, I've decided that today, I'm sending James in to buy the 40 pound bag of dog food while I wait in the car. He's a very determined young man, so we'll see how it goes.

And tomorrow? The financial planner.

17 comments:

Michemily said...

They clapped? And people from assisted living homes are driven to the post office? That service isn't provided? Maybe it's like a field trip for them.

May I ask how much James himself weighs before we get the post about the 40-pound dog food?

Amy said...

44 pounds.
And yes, they clapped.

Chief said...

See, you may not get the mother of the year, but for sure the citizen of the year. All those old people, smiling. you did a good deed. Take him to the prison next...they could use a boost over there

X-Country2 said...

If he does laundry, I'll take him!

Keli said...

I've always kept an open mind about being a lazy mother. It totally works! You know those helicopter parents that do everything for their kids and hover over them so they don't make messes? Yeah, not me. My frigging 2 year old makes her own peanut butter sandwiches. On the floor. With a dirty knife. And guess what? She even puts the bread and peanut butter back!

Laziness is parenting gold, I tell ya! Good work!

Charlotte said...

I needed a good laugh today. Thank you.

Runner Tammy said...

Why settle for a 40 lb bag of dog food when I am sure he can manage a 50 lb bag of dog food and then you will have to return to the store less often...everyone benefits, right??

Clearly my husband and I need to reconsider having kids because apparently the free manual labor they provide gets the task done and you (the parent) kudo's as well.

Have a great day!

Grandma said...

Amy, I am dying over here w/ this story, but can't lol because hopefully they are both sleeping or maybe Jennie is fingerpainting w/ what I don't want to know (since she just declared"uh-oh")...oh boy I can picture that whole scene...and you gave some folks a very happy day..or rather your angry pubic bone did!

bostonblacksheep said...

That's my James. =)

Bloggin Betty said...

So, really, when I lay in bed for an hour and listen to my kid sit and talk in his crib before I get up and get him out, I am just teaching him to be independent and confident?

chattypatra said...

Congratulations, Amy, for helping the old people create a memory. They probably talked about it for a long time!

Jo@Mylestones said...

I'm just stopping in to tell you that however lazy you may be, you're wicked funny and that evens everything out. Thanks for the laugh!

jenna is awkward said...

hahaha awesome!!! very smart of you, and a very funny outcome

blaine said...

Way to go Amy. Take advantage of the cuteness now and the willingness. When he turns 13 and the aliens take his brain and don't return it until they are 21 you'll long for that 4 year old to come back and maybe all the good things you got out of him will keep you from strangling him...

Michelle said...

That's great and I completely sympathize. When preggo with #4, I had Sarah "supervise" her sister in Walmart (hands on this cart and don't move a muscle!) while I waddled off to grab something I didn't want to maneuver the crowded aisles for.

Completely LOL at Chief! Prison, next...too funny.

theloosemoose said...

Great post! I think your pregnancy hormones are making you even funnier.

Melissa said...

I seriously thought you were going to say that you hitched a ride home on the assisted living bus!