Pregnancy Brain, Case Number 4,352: Amy and the Great White Phone

September 15, 2009

I'm nothing short of a spectacle these days--a true sight to behold, if you will.

The very last thing I need to do is draw any unnecessary attention in my direction--but let's not forget, I'm Amy Lawson, and that happens to be my speciality.

I've been at work since 6 o'clock this friggin' morning. I got here early for two reasons. First, I'm an independent contractor, and I'm trying my damnedest to bank some hours before this baby comes in a couple of weeks, and second, I had a 7 o'clock meeting.

As soon as the meeting was over I realized how unbelievably hungry I was, so I grabbed my wallet, my phone, and my keys, and set off for my very favorite muffin joint. Which happens to be inside of a gas station. Because Maine is totally classy like that.

As I was driving to the gas station, I grabbed my phone to call Jared, and guess what? Nothing. No reception whatsoever. The phone was completely dead, like something out of a Brady Bunch episode where Bobby fiddles with that old school phone cradle, smiles, and hops on his banana seat bike to go let Ethel the Operator know about the issue in person. Too bad "Ethels" don't exist anymore, because hoo boy, I could really use someone to let go on today.

Anyway, the lack of service was kind of strange for that particular spot on the road, but again, I live in Maine, and rumor has it that some people up here still crap in cooking pots and throw it out their living room windows--so really now, what more could I expect from a silly piece of modern technology?

I pulled into the gas station, gathered up my things, and waddled toward the door. As usual, people turned to look. I'm used to this now, especially after Jared let me know why--apparently it looks like I'm "walking around with a donut shoved up [my] ass."

To which I say: Well thanks, hun! You know, I wasn't gonna mention this, but it smells like you're walking around town with an industrial waste dump shoved up your ass, so I guess we could both use a good old enema, now couldn't we? Love ya!

Anywho, I waddled across the parking lot smiling in response to a couple of stares and snickers, loathing nineteen-year-olds, and thinking to myself, "If only I had a legitimate reason to kick you in the balls right now...." and "Once upon a time, you came out of some one's vagina, too. So shut the hell up!"

And then I thought about the talk I gave in church on Sunday. It was about kindness. It was really good.

I walked into the store and carefully selected the biggest chocolate chip muffin of the lot. I guess it was the gas station's birthday (or some crap like that) so it was on sale for a dollar. Finally, my mood was beginning to change.

That is until Mike, the middle-aged cashier, looked me bang in the eye and said, "Nice phone."

I was confused, my cell phone sucks--it's broken and it's always kind of greasy. How could this man possibly be complimenting my nasty little Nokia?

Well, turns out he wasn't. He was complimenting the gigantic, white, portable phone that belongs on a cradle in my office. You know, since that was the one I brought along with me.

I didn't even have a purse to conceal that monster on my way out of the store, so I manned up, and walked by those boys for a second time. What used to be a quiet snicker had turned into a big old whoop-de-doo! They were busing a gut over there. At my expense.

So I did the only logical thing that a grown woman could do. I said, "You suck. Both of you." And then I ran to my car and cried for a minute.

The End.

30 comments:

Eric and Julie said...

Are you for real? Cuz that story is hilarious!! Also, pregnancy brain doesn't go away once the baby is born, it just turns into sleep-deprivation brain.

Laura said...

Ha, I absolutely love this story. Reminds me of the Zach Morris phone from Saved by the Bell :)

Mindy said...

I love your stories... love them. I started laughing about your good talk on kindness and couldn't stop.

Grandma said...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...you brought the giant phone!!! You know I have another one for you(with a cord!) We are still going to do that. Kelly's game, I know!

X-Country2 said...

Ha! Your stories are the BEST.

TX Mommy 2 said...

OMG, laughing so hard right now! But I was there with the preggo brain not too long ago, so I have sympathy for you too... those damn boys... I would have told them the same thing! Enjoy your muffin!

Riddlez said...

Stopped over from MMB - ok, so I check your blog all of the time so saying I stopped over is a big fat lie to cover up the fact that I blurk here on a daily basis.

Anyhow, that was damn funny. I have a baby brain issue every time I'm preggers. Once, I wrecked my truck - at the hospital trying to park for my 7 month appointment and was so mad I called from the parking lot to cancel and the office staff freaked out and offered to call an ambulance because I told them I had been in a minor accident. So then I had to admit I ran into a pole in the parking garage and wouldn't need any sort of medical care except some antidepressants because I felt so stupid. I told my husband I wished the baby would eat my butt fat rather than my brain. Still hasn't worked, though.

JustRandi said...

I love that you're so willing to laugh at yourself and to let everyone in on the joke!
Thanks for sharing your humor~

Michemily said...

You know, this is why blogs are so much better than Facebook updates and Twitter. I read about the muffin and about the phone on Facebook, but the story that goes with it is hilarious. I think you should now write a post about stupid things you've said on the phone. I've told people I loved them at the end of the conversation. Oops. Or answered with, "Dear Heavenly Father" . . . yeah.

David said...

My analysis: you were kind. You could have kicked them in the balls.

Good work.

Maraiya said...

I will seriously pay money for you to yell "Once upon a time, you came out of some one's vagina, too. So shut the hell up!"

Seriously.

And then write up what happened.

chattypatra said...

You just made my day, Amy. :)

Karen said...

I'm confused. Did you have the phone in your HAND? You didn't notice it??? LOL

Chief said...

I am sorry you have lost your mind. I loved it so much I added a link to you in tonights post. I love you that much.

Mz. Cat said...

OMGoodness... that was hysterical. I was in great need of a laugh so hard, I nearly peed myself!!! Thank you!!!!

Luke & Kelsie Frazier said...

you are hilarious. I love it!!!

check out: peopleofwalmart.com you'll pee your pants laughing!

loralei said...

That was hilarious! I kept gasping for breath & then I read it to my husband! You have the best blog! Thanks for being so willing to share!

Michelle said...

Amy, you are so funny. Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with all of us. :)

And because I loved it so much, I shared it with my (minute amount) of readers, too. :)

http://musingsofacatholiclady.blogspot.com/

Team O'Connor said...

Teenagers are the worst! They've tormented me my entire life. When I was a kid at the park, they put mud at the end of a slide which I happened to choose and be the first one to slide down. They waited at the end and laughed at me as I slid through the mess and began crying. Maybe you should carry around pepper spray and since you're pregnant you can easily get away with claiming that you thought you were about to be attacked.

Gina said...

I am cracking up right now, because when I was pregnant, I took my cordless phone with me to work one day. Luckily, I realized it in the car and didn't walk around with it in my hand.

Amy said...

OMG this is so freaking hilarious!!!! I so remember that pregger brain thing. My youngest is 2 and some days I still have it.

Miranda said...

You should make a collection of your own blogs and make a book. I'd TOTALLY buy it...you're hilarious. I still tell friends about your treadmill story in CJane...Hilarious!!

Tooj said...

Thanks for the laugh....totally at your expense, I admit. I really do wish you would have had a legit reason for kicking them in the balls though. For all of us (once upon a time) preggo women. At least you got to enjoy the chocolate muffin. Oh how I miss those. I worked somewhere once that had those in the cafeteria. Aaahhhh. Okay, sorry. I'm snapping back. Happy Thursday! (popping over from Catholic Lady Michelle)

Morgan and Derek said...

I'm so sorry, but I am seriously laughing so hard right now. OH, the humanity.

pam said...

I love the details of your stories. . . and your thought processes. AND I second Maraiya's comment. I too, will pay money. . . like all the money in my child's piggy banks.

Bloggin Betty said...

So, like, how big are we talking? And where was the actual cell phone? Did yout put it in the cradle at the office?

T.A.G. said...

I have to say that was an amazing story - but more importantly that a $1 muffin would totally make my day.

JAMIE said...

eat another muffin, you'll feel better :)

Lori said...

That was hilarious, thanks for sharing. The really sad thing about your story is I did the same thing with the phone except I was in the pick up line at my oldest school.

Lori said...
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