The Fantastic, Asstastic Photo Challenge of 2010

December 29, 2009

Things are about to get really, really, realllllly fun over here in this crazy little corner of the internet.

Seriously. Fun.

The holidays are over, and I feel very safe in wagering a guess that nine-tenths of the people reading this blog are feeling super-nasty fat. And guess what? On New Year's Day, when you wake up with forty-two Lil' Smoky cocktail weenies, a bottle of wine, and a hairball in your belly (how'd that get in there?), you'll feel even grosser.

I'm just telling it like it is, people. Telling it like it is.

Sure we could do a 'Ring in the New Year Weight Loss Challenge' over here at the Lawsons did Dallas--but really now, how unbelievably boring is that? Everyone hosts a weight loss challenge on their blog...everyone. Even a well trained pomegranate could host a plain-old, no frills weight loss challenge.

And cue the fun.

Over here, on my blog, I'm planning to shake this up a bit with the....wait for it....this'll be good....

THE FANTASTIC, ASSTASTIC PHOTO CHALLENGE OF 2010!

Please friends, hold your applause until the end of the post.

Here's how it works: By Sunday, January 3rd at 11:59pm, you will email me a high resolution photograph of your clothed butt. I don't care if it's wearing a Gucci skirt, some high-waisted mom jeans, or a burlap sack--but it absolutely, positively, must be covered in something.

When you send me the picture, please let me know how you'd like to be identified in the contest. You can have:

a) Your name with a link to your blog,

b) Your name with no link to your blog, or

c) A top-secret code name with absolutely no hint or trace of your real identity.

DISCLAIMER: If you chose option c, please understand that my husband Jared will know who the ass is attached to. I'm not that good at keeping things to myself. But don't worry, he's a professional. Jared touches butts all day long--it's the best part of his job--and I promise that he'll view your bottom through professional, sensitive, and medical eyes only.

I'll post the bum pictures in the Fantastic, Asstastic Gallery on Monday.

Then, the contestants will have one week to improve the look of their rears. Walk, run, count points, find a better camera angle, squeeze yourself into a new set of Spanks--it doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you send a follow-up picture one week later. I'll post the new pictures in the Fantastic, Asstastic Gallery, and we'll let the voters decide...Who's ass is the most improved?

The votes will be tallied with technological precision, and the bums that fall in the bottom fourth will be eliminated.

We'll repeat this process on January 11th, January 18th, January 25th and February 1st--when the Grand Champion will be revealed.

Got it? If not, you can ask questions in the comment section.

But first, just to clear up a few of the details:

1. Send your photos to LawsonAmyB@yahoo.com by 11:59pm, this Sunday.

2. Pictures cannot be doctored in any way, shape, or form--so all you photoshop wizards can sit on your hands. I want untouched photos of the bum you were born with.

3. There will be prizes. Three fabulous prizes to be exact. They'll be revealed week by week.

4. Reasonable cheating practices will be accepted. For example, asking everyone in your email address book to vote for your ass is reasonable. Finding a new can-for-a-day in Google Images is not.

5. I wasn't joking about the 'must be wearing clothing' thing. And while we're on the topic, these photos have to be easy on the eyes, tasteful, and G-rated. I reserve the right to remove you from the contest if I think you're being all gross and whatnot.

6. I'd like to extend an extremely thankful heart to my super talented reader, Jennifer. She created the logo that will continue to grace our presence throughout the competition. Is it a butt? Is it boobs? Who cares! It's fabulous! Jennifer, together, you and I can shrink some asses.

So there you have it--all the motivation you'll ever need to shape up and slim down. Now grab your camera, grab your friends, snap some pictures, and whip that ass into shape!

(...but not until January 5th, you'll have a better chance of winning if your butt looks absolutely horrendous during week one.)