Breastfeeding: The Inside Scoop

February 1, 2010

Warning: Lactation Consultants, LLL members, and "Lactavists" of any kind should probably click away.


Remember the good old days, when I used to update this blog five or six times a week?

Yeah, me neither.

Truth is, I barely remember anything these days. From my kid's middle name to how to make a capital letter M, I'm a total and complete moron. Last week, in a moment of dumbfounded frustration, Jared called me "Breastmilk-for-Brains," and I've got to admit, that skinny bastard hit the nail right on the head.


Imagine how I felt this morning when I called a colleague with some very important business. His secretary was like, "He's in a meeting, Amy. Is this urgent?"

And I was all, "Judy, it is urgent. So urgent that it could make or break my career." And guys, I meant it. I meant it 110%.

So the manager picks up the phone, slightly out of breath and says, "Amy. What's up? I've only got a minute..."

And that my friends, that, was the very moment that my mind went blank.

I was like, "Uhhhhhhh....."

And he was like, "Errrrrr...."

So I was all, "Dan, I just needed to hear your voice this morning."

And he paused. And he laughed (at me, not with me). And then I heard a dial tone.

Very embarrassing? Yes. Will he make fun of me until the day I retire? Of course. least I didn't leave a twenty-four inch poo hanging out in the toilet, and accidentally forget to flush.

What can I say? I've been blessed with the gift of perspective.

And that fine blessing is the very reason I didn't get upset when Jared called me Breastmilk-for-Brains last week. I simply shrugged it off and said, "Well if you shall call me that, then I shall call you Captain-Penis-Enlarger-User," and I skipped off into the sunset.

Honestly, I have no flippin' clue why breastfeeding has left me so--for lack of a better word--stupid. Evolutionarily speaking, how on earth can this be a suitable arrangement? I can only imagine a group of cave women being like, "BREAST MILK BEST" as they inadvertently and unknowingly clubbed each other over the head every time they turned their asses away from the fire to squeek out a fart.

Now don't get me wrong--I'm not trying to discourage any expectant mothers from nursing. After all, breastmilk is nature's perfect food. But I don't know, God also created the manatee, and those gentle giants look strikingly similar to a turd with a face....a cute turd with a face, but dude, a turd is a turd is a turd.

Gosh, I sound so negative, and I'm really not trying to. Honestly, I love nursing. Those tender moments, when I'm cuddling my baby, nourishing her little body, staring into her little eyes and I say, "Sh!t. What's your name? I can't remember." Those moments simply cannot be matched with a bottle of formula. It's magical.


Mindy said...

Amy, you KNOW I feel super duper special right now... and I laughed, just as promised.

So, I want to know... I haven't breastfed for 7 1/2 years, and I still have breastmilk for brains. What's up with that??

Janille said...

Are you sure it's breastfeeding and not just the results of having a baby? Because I'm pretty sure each kid stole more of my brainpower and I'm really suffering here about now. I'm right there with Mindy, it's been a long time and I'm still screwed, lol.

Kirsty said...

I am laughing helplessly and simultaneously budgeting for therapy because I felt compelled to read this to my sons (aged 11 and 9) after they asked with consternation why I was laughing like that (apparently I sound like a piglet being tortured.)

They were suitably appalled and traumatized. And still I laugh...and laugh... and laugh and thank you for that. I have been baby craving lately and I am trying to compile a exhaustive list for myself entitled: Reasons Why I Should Not Get Knocked Up. You give me reason #1. Because I am stupid enough as it is, and already I am dumbfounded that I am left unattended with small children on a regular basis.
So..thank you for kicking off the list with such panache. (Btw: The boys did appreciate the 24 inch poo part, as I knew they would.)

Kirsty said...

PS: We just spent some beautiful and happy moments together as a family looking up Manatees on the internet. (FHE) And laughing and pointing. You do have a valid point there. I will never be able to look at them the same way. And considering I used to dub myself The Manatee when I was pregnant, you have now given me a very solid reason #2. (no pun intended)Thank you.

David said...

Breastfeeding didn't leave you stupid, just scatological.

Meagan Brooks said...

You are seriously one of the coolest Mormons I read about... :) Thanks for the laugh.

TheOneTrueSue said...

Seriously. I just started supplementing Josh with formula (shut up) because of work and it's like I suddenly got all of my brain function back.

Chase's Moma said...

I felt exactly the same way when I was breastfeeding! It did get (a little :-) better when he weaned. It was SO worth it though.

Windy said...

My opinion is that our children suck our brain cells right out of our body along with the breast milk; I have half the intellect I once possessed. Unfortunately, I've talked with women whose children are grown and they say I will never get those brain cells back. Damn!

On the upside, that's why my kids are all so smart; they have my brains.

Amy said...

I regained full mental capacity after BFing James for 14 months, so I'm counting on that.
In the mean time, I'll just unknowingly wander into traffic.

Rachel said...

Okay, Amy, I'm sitting here on the couch at 6:45 in the a.m. trying to wake up a sleepy baby so he'll nurse, I've got breastmilk dripping all over, and I'm a member of LLL.

But this post still made me laugh! Especially the manatee part, which is unsual since I deal so often with turds (as a mom of three boys) that really it shouldn't be funny, but it was. Thanks for the chuckle. Oh, and there goes a little of my left frontal lobe dripping on to my leg. Time to make some coffee....

Scrappy_Lady said...

So true, so true, Amy. I got a special chuckle out of the part about remembering their names. In December, Hubby and I dutifully went with our now 3 kiddos to the flu clinic for H1N1 shots. We filled out the forms, each doing our own and a form for a kid. DH missed an oddly-placed blank for our middle son's middle initial. The nurse asked for it, and for at least 10 seconds, DH and I looked blankly at each other while neither of us could come up with it. I'm sure the nurse thought we were stellar parents.

Because he has no breastmilk that I'm aware of, I think I'll convince myself it's sleep deprivation that causes our lapses in brain power.

funderson said...

How are you supposed to think AND produce the world's most perfect food all flipping ding dang day?

Morgan -Ing said...

It's true. I will be showering and do the whole "Lather rinse, REPEAT" thing only because I totally forgot that 30 seconds ago, I already did that. It's so sad.

X-Country2 said...

Man, I can't wait to give birth. You always make it is sound AWESOME. ;o)

Team O'Connor said...

I have nothing to contribute to breast feeding EXCEPT that I read that there are people who sell their breast milk! Just an idea. I'm totally going to when I pop out a baby. No more selling plasma!!!