Warning: Lactation Consultants, LLL members, and "Lactavists" of any kind should probably click away.
Remember the good old days, when I used to update this blog five or six times a week?
Yeah, me neither.
Truth is, I barely remember anything these days. From my kid's middle name to how to make a capital letter M, I'm a total and complete moron. Last week, in a moment of dumbfounded frustration, Jared called me "Breastmilk-for-Brains," and I've got to admit, that skinny bastard hit the nail right on the head.
Imagine how I felt this morning when I called a colleague with some very important business. His secretary was like, "He's in a meeting, Amy. Is this urgent?"
And I was all, "Judy, it is urgent. So urgent that it could make or break my career." And guys, I meant it. I meant it 110%.
So the manager picks up the phone, slightly out of breath and says, "Amy. What's up? I've only got a minute..."
And that my friends, that, was the very moment that my mind went blank.
I was like, "Uhhhhhhh....."
And he was like, "Errrrrr...."
So I was all, "Dan, I just needed to hear your voice this morning."
And he paused. And he laughed (at me, not with me). And then I heard a dial tone.
Very embarrassing? Yes. Will he make fun of me until the day I retire? Of course. Bu-ut...at least I didn't leave a twenty-four inch poo hanging out in the toilet, and accidentally forget to flush.
What can I say? I've been blessed with the gift of perspective.
And that fine blessing is the very reason I didn't get upset when Jared called me Breastmilk-for-Brains last week. I simply shrugged it off and said, "Well if you shall call me that, then I shall call you Captain-Penis-Enlarger-User," and I skipped off into the sunset.
Honestly, I have no flippin' clue why breastfeeding has left me so--for lack of a better word--stupid. Evolutionarily speaking, how on earth can this be a suitable arrangement? I can only imagine a group of cave women being like, "BREAST MILK BEST" as they inadvertently and unknowingly clubbed each other over the head every time they turned their asses away from the fire to squeek out a fart.
Now don't get me wrong--I'm not trying to discourage any expectant mothers from nursing. After all, breastmilk is nature's perfect food. But I don't know, God also created the manatee, and those gentle giants look strikingly similar to a turd with a face....a cute turd with a face, but dude, a turd is a turd is a turd.
Gosh, I sound so negative, and I'm really not trying to. Honestly, I love nursing. Those tender moments, when I'm cuddling my baby, nourishing her little body, staring into her little eyes and I say, "Sh!t. What's your name? I can't remember." Those moments simply cannot be matched with a bottle of formula. It's magical.