I Hate WalMart

April 28, 2010

Generally speaking, I try oh-so-hard to be ultra-diplomatic on this blog. In an effort to avoid ruffling any feathers, I like to keep my opinions tucked tightly under the rug. But today? Today my friends, I plan to tell it like it is. Specifically:

I HATE WALMART.

From the filthy children, to the produce that smells like the foyer of the SPCA, to the middle-aged people carting oxygen tanks around in the basket of the complimentary JazzyXL scooters, I HATE WALMART.

(aaaaaaand, cue the guilt)

I've got to say, the WalMart in my neck of the woods, is far and away the nastiest one I've ever had the displeasure of patronizing. I've been in urban WalMarts, country WalMarts, and everything in between--but this place? This place is just plain over the top.

For example:

1. I've seen not one, not two, but three fights break out at the $5 movie bin in the last two years. The most recent fight, I kid you not, was waged over a discount copy of Nacho Libre. It was between a dirty looking Grandma and another dirty looking Grandma, and my goodness there was flab undulating all over the place with the peeved-off back and forth grabbing.

2. It's 100% impossible to find baby pajamas between the sizes of 6 months and 18 months. In other words, they don't stock sleepers in 9 or 12 months. Probably because it's cheaper to wrap a baby up in some paper towels and call it a day. They're all, "PIjamas! That baby don't need no PIjamas! Just dun wrap 'em up in this har paper-towlin' and you got yerself sumfin' better 'n PIjamas!"

3. Using the bathroom is like scoring a free ticket to Diarrhea Fest 2010. Apparently, every single patron of my neighborhood WalMart (except for my family) has a raging case of the runs, uses an entire roll of toilet paper to handle the mess, clogs the toilet, and then repeats the process in every stall in the joint. Seriously, I don't think I've ever been in that bathroom and not had the displeasure of witnessing the smells and sounds of a redneck losing their bowels out their anus.

4. My friend had her eyebrows waxed at the local WalMart salon (hello, horrible choice!) while she was waiting to have some pictures printed, and with the exception of five hairs, the beautician accidentally WAXED OFF HER ENTIRE LEFT EYEBROW.

5. Our trips to WalMart prompt James to ask all kinds of questions that I don't want to answer...."Mom, why can't Maggie have blue juice in her bottle?"...."Mom, why isn't that man wearing any underpants?"...."Mom, I wish my shirt had light-up iPod speakers sewn onto it."

6. Somehow, the same creepy greeter seems to work both entrances of the store 24/7. You walk in, he slowly eyes you up and down and he says something very long and drawn out like, "Hello, welcome to your always friendly, very happy, oh so helpful, really nice, very friendly...wait, did I already say friendly?...neighborhood WalMart."

And then when you walk out he's all, "I'll need to check your receipt."

And I'm like, "Really? I thought they only do that at Sam's Club. You really need to check my receipt?"

He'll read through it, find the most personal item purchased and be like, "Did you find your [tampons, condoms, Vagasil, KY, herpes medication...you get the idea] without any trouble today?"

Believe you me, I hate WalMart for each of the reasons listed above, but somehow, even when you add them all together, it was never enough to keep me away from that perverted little happy face and his messed-up deals.

It was the experience we had two weeks ago that finally made me say, "For as long as I shall live, I will never step foot into my local WalMart ever, ever again."

...but I'll have to write about that later. Right now, Maggie's waking up.

31 comments:

Trophy Wife said...

Please tell me you've seen the website: www.peopleofwalmart.com it's genius. I totally agree that walmart is a horrible, horrible place. I haven't been there in years. Can't wait to read the rest of this story.

Mindy said...

I have vowed too many times to count to never step into a walmart again. Too bad there aren't any other choices in this damn podunk town I live in.

I was nodding my head with every example. I also love the millions of screaming kids at 11:00 p.m. Hello, your kids want to be in BED, people.

Mel said...

AHHH you can't leave us hanging like that. Just pop Maggie some blue juice in her bottle and sit her in front of the TV so you can go back to writing!

TX Mommy 2 said...

I freaking hate walmart too! I stay out of there at all cost, and ours isn't bad. I just hate it! I'd rather spend my money at HEB or Target!

Cheryl said...

Oh darn. That's just all the normal stuff. :-) I was hoping to hear the big story of what happened to you at Walmart. Put that baby back to bed with some blue juice and finish the story, will you?! =)

V and Co. said...

lol we have the same walmart apparently. only add a ton of wrangler wearing rednecks saying "oh my hi-eck" or in most utah mormons language "oh my heck." or in my california grown convert language "oh my hell."

Chelsea said...

Why the eff am I so riveted?
I really, really am.

I already HATE Wal Mart. I already ONLY go there once I've tried every other store in existence. There's one in the next town, about 10 minutes over, and aside from late-night emergency situations (like the time John broke the coffee grinder--and I even went elsewhere first), I refuse to shop there. I'll go to the Shopko in our town, The Target across the highway, the Dollar General in our town, Walgreens, and then I'll go 45 minutes back to our hometown to see if my mom has the thing or if she'll go to Wal Mart and spare her darling baby girl the horror, and THEN I'll resign.

I hate Wal Mart.

I love your blog.

Bev said...

Please check out PeopleofWalmart.com Best web-site ever!! Sums up your feelings perfectly in picture form. Thanks for the laugh

K said...

At least they seem to speak English at your Walmart.
WHen I was in high school, my brother got a job at walmart. Apparently they wanted to let him go after his 90 day trial period was up (I hear they tried to save money by going through employees like this) but instead of telling him face to face (they even continued to put him on the schedule), the time clock told him he didn't work there anymore. My Mom was pissed and she wrote a letter to the company and didn't shop there for a good ten years or so. Now it's pretty much the only place she can shop so she is forced to go there.

Miracle Pending said...

This is hilarious. I think your Walmart trumps mine. We don't have a salon in ours, first off. I didn't even know they existed. It's slightly unnerving.

I, too, hate Walmart. When we were watching our budget more I'd insist on going because, after all, it seems like the cheapest place. Now that we aren't completely broke, I make the extra drive to Target. Slightly better, but not by much.

What I really hate about Walmart is the way people just leave their carts in the middle of the aisles. We've become frustrated enough just to push people's cart down the entire aisle because it's just impossible to get anywhere with cart traffic. Like why do people have to leave their carts, go perusing for 40 minutes down a shampoo aisle, and hog up all the space?

This leads to "aisle rage." Along with this comes the lack of courtesy people have there in general. At any other store, people watch where they're going. At Walmart, they're either high on drugs or have 5 kids attached and aren't able to see you slowly walking out of an aisle. I can't tell you how many times I've actually had people smash their carts into mine as I'm trying to make a turn. Really, people. I grew up in the land of horrible drivers (Los Angeles) but this just doesn't even compare.

P.O.M. said...

I went to Walmart once. I seriously feared for my life. I think there was a gang meeting going on.

Bahston Beans said...

It's in your blood, we're Target people through and through.

Java Joggers said...

Too funny! I have easy access to a couple of Targets, so I usually go there. My father and one of my sons both are Walmart haters - they have each taken oaths to never set foot in a Walmart again. Conveniently, my mother will still go, though, so my father doesn't have to :)

Michemily said...

Wow. I've heard a lot of reasons for people not liking Walmart, but yours are the best.

Jillybean said...

I know that you think that you hate Wal Mart, however, in order to REALLY hate Wal Mart, you should have an item shipped site to store and then actually try to pick it up at the store where no fewer that 14 employees either can't find your item, and then once they actually locate said item (like 40 minutes later) none of them can figure out how to let you take the item even though you have an online receipt with all sorts of item #s proving that you actually did already pay for the item!

Jillybean said...

And I realize that part of that previous comment didn't make sense, however, I'm still so mad at Wal Mart that I don't care.

Amy said...

Jillybean--I'VE HAD THE SITE TO STORE FIASCO BEFORE, TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

brittanykalaj said...

Sigh. I'm a WalMart hater, too. For years, now. It seemed I was shopping there once every six weeks and spending HUNDREDS of dollars. I stopped going there cold turkey and never missed any of the cheap crap that always made it's way into my basket. I love me some Amazon, though...

HL said...

I couldn't agree more. That place gives me the freaking willies times infinity.

Birdie said...

I just did an entire post on the horrors of our local Wal-Mart ladies room...check it out!

http://www.soldierslady.blogspot.com

Grandma said...

Walmart=creepy. I love Target...no piped in music or loudspeakers.Now and then I do have to duck into KMart...and literally duck it was today Amy....read my blog to find out why you may have been visiting your mother in the hospital..I kid you not!

Lynda said...

Like one of the readers posted, I would happily spend extra money at Target rather than having to step into a Wal-Mart. can't wait to read the rest of the story.

Pam F. said...

Yeah, Amy. Why CAN'T Maggie have blue juice in her bottle??? I remember a post from a long time ago about you giving James pink lemonade for the first time. Remember how happy that made him???? But maybe Maggie is still a bit too young to fully appreciate HFCS.

atincupchalice.com said...

Oh Lord do I ever LOATHE WalMart. With a passion. I make it a point to not go there unless I absolutely HAVE to. It really is the most disgusting place in America.

Karen said...

I worked at walmart for exactly 3 months. I barely made it through school-clothes shopping time so I figured there's no way I'd make it through Christmas. After I gave my notice, I ditched my last 8-hour Saturday shift and was informed that that meant I'd NEVER BE ALLOWED TO WORK AT WALMART AGAIN! Dang.

X-Country2 said...

I love a good Walmart rant. That place is hell. No question.

Michemily said...

Wow, look what I just read:

http://soldierslady.blogspot.com/2010/04/awkward-restroom-encounters.html

Another Walmart encounter.

Charming's Mama said...

Tsk, tsk people. Where's your compassion? Is it really Walmart you hate or the unwashed poor who frequent the place, because they can't afford their electric bill this month and it is someplace to stay warm or cool for a few hours without arousing suspicion.

And before you assume, I don't work there, nor am I ever likely to and I do not like shopping there either. But my mama always told me, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. I'm still working on that one.

The Devil's Starchy Fingers said...

Wait,wait, wait.... there's a Wal-Mart salon? Seriously? For real? And real people go there?

I am glad I live in a part of the country where Wal-Mart's are almost impossible to find.

Can't wait to hear the story.

Ann-Marie

The Verner's 100% Natural Good -Time Family Blog Solution said...

you must not be in Cumberland county! the New Wal*Mart (although, still Wal*Mart) is MUCH fancier.. but it still ain't no TarJay!

Wal*Mart.. *shudder*

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