June 9, 2010

This post is dedicated to a long time reader who needs a good laugh--a real laugh. I don't care what science says, the fake stuff just isn't as potent.

When you're a Mormon, Sunday mornings are really, really long. Regular old church lasts about an hour, Sunday School takes up a second hour, and then, the men and women split into their own Sunday School type classes for the last hour. That's three hours, you guys. I could drive to StoryLand, digest a soft pretzel, and catch a ride on the caterpillar roller coaster in the amount of time in takes me to formally commune with Jesus.

We pass by the Catholic Church on our way to church in the morning, and I always feel so jealous. I mean, c'mon--they've gone to one single hour of church, they get to pick what time they feel like going, and more often than not they get donuts after all is said and done. On the house.

Obviously, I'm missing the boat.

Anyhoo, on Sunday morning, after the first hour was done, my friend's husband (who doubles as the branch clerk--or something like that) came up to me and said, "The Branch President wants to meet with you and Jared after church today."

"Awesome," I replied, "I bet he's gonna give us a bill for something."

He laughed. I didn't. Everybody's billing me these days.

Now let's dive a little deeper into Mormon Doctrine for a second. When you're called into the Branch President's office, it means you're about to get a calling. When you and you're spouse are called into the Branch President's office together? Well, that means that one of you is about to get a big ass calling.

In this case, it was me.

But wait, let's back up. In most churches, you volunteer for additional duties. For example:
  • I like children, I'd like to volunteer to teach the third graders.
  • I'm friendly, I'd like to volunteer to greet people at the door.
  • I'm chatty, I'd like to serve on the social committee.
  • I'm really strange, I'd like to sit in the back corner, stare for a little too long, and make the women feel uncomfortable.
You get the idea.

Welp, among the Mormons, this is not the way things happen. We get callings. In other words, church leaders have a role that needs to be filled, they think about it, they pray about it, and they pick you. For example:
  • You have working arms and you're good at running--you've been called to teach the second graders.
  • You're tone deaf, but you have great taste in clothing--you've been called to direct the choir.
  • You have a hard time saying no, so you've been called as the Young Men's President.
  • I get the feeling you partied way too much in college, we'd like you to use those talents as the activities coordinator.
Get it? And actually, I've written about this before--back when three people read my blog. See? But all kidding aside, there's no doubt that this system moves you out of your comfort zone and pushes you to new heights as a human being. It's funny, I've heard that magic mushrooms can do the same thing.

Anyway. This calling was coming to me.

The Branch President said, "Amy, we have a new calling for you, and I think Jared should be here to help you decided whether or not you can accept it."

And without a moment of hesitation, in 100% seriousness I said, "You should know that I have a swearing problem. It's moderate to severe and I'm not willing to work on it. Not at all."

He laughed.

I didn't.

"You're funny, Amy."

"Funny with a pretty nasty swearing problem. Just ask Jared."

Jared nodded, "Oh yeah, she says 'em all. I mean ALL of them."

The Branch President tossed his head back, laughed, and affectionately said, "I love you guys."

We sat straight-faced. No response. We did not return the love.

"Well, swearing problem or not," he continued, "you've been called to be the......"

I know, the ...... is kind of cruel, but I'm not ready to go public with this one yet, I'm still digesting this assignment. It might take a while, like the time my sister forced me to eat paper and grass--lots of farting, not a lot of pooping.

So anyway, Jared and I looked at each other and shrugged. The Branch President cleared his throat and asked, "So will you accept this calling? You'll get a lot of blessings from this type of service."

"Physical and temporal blessings? I think that's what we'd enjoy the most."

More laughter, more love. Once again, we did not return the love. But I did say yes. And now, I'm the new ......

I'll tell you when I'm ready.


Jen R. said...

when i was called as RSpres my freshman year of college I cried. on my bed like I was 4 years old. and my roommate just stared at me.

Adri said...

You're such a tease.

X-Country2 said...


2. If you really want to be jealous, come be Lutheran. We don't even have to go to church that often and they don't even make you feel bad about it. :o)

lauridawn said...

I've been a long-time reader/fan/lurker and am not sure I've ever commented, but as someone else who cares for the person this post was dedicated to, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! You lift my spirits on a very regular basis.

funderson said...

ADVENTURE!!!(?) Growing up in Utah the 3 hour church thing was just normal. It never occured to me that church was anything else but really really really looooong. On another note, once I had to speak at Steak(sp?)Conf and I actually said "CRAP" as a part of my talk. I couldn't help it...it just came out and when razzed about it later I said the Steak was lucky that's the worst I said.

kaila sue said...

best. post. ever.

Charlotte said...

I'm betting $20 on Primary President. Hurry up and confirm, would ya?

Amber Lynae said...

Whatever the calling it sounds like you are in for a lot of fun. You will really be able to fine tune your sailor talk.

Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel any better...lots of things still have to get done in the Catholic church (especially if they have a school) and Monsignor sometimes does exactly what your Branch President did. and yes...it's happened to me. And yes, I accepted...but it took me quite awhile to digest it. :)

Can't wait to find out what new "big-ass" calling you received!

Pam said...

Oh, now that's just WRONG.

Bahston Beans said...

Official runner? Official choir soloist? Official swimmer?

The Roberts' Report said...

Oh Amy! You're freakin' amazing. You'd be great at anything. I'd even let u be YW president over my girls or Primary President over my crew or even teach them early morning seminary! YOU CAN DO IT!!

The Roberts' Report said...

Crap, I forgot RS pres. Maybe it's because I don't even know what that is. Haven't been there in YEARS!!

Michemily said...

Don't know if it's true, but my sister and mother are saying things about this post . . .

You are awesome. I love reading your blog and your witty reactions to everything make me smile. I especially liked this part:

"I'm really strange, I'd like to sit in the back corner, stare for a little too long, and make the women feel uncomfortable."

Or that the YM president is the one who can't say no. Ha.

Thanks so much for the laugh. I really needed it. Keep being amazing.

Morgan -Ing said...

Primary president?

Chelsea said...

I really want to know! I attend a "non-denominational" Christian church and yes... it lasts "only" 75 minutes (feels like longer!) and 25 to 30 minutes of that is worship & communion. 3 hours seems like a VERY long time! Plus I go to the evening service so I get to sleep in in the mornings. If I had to drag myself out of bed at 7am on a Sunday and sit through 3 hours of church I probably wouldn't be a happy camper...and I really love Jesus. So I really admire you for that :)

JAMIE said...

Oh Amy, I love you, please return that love. :)

I'm gonna guess Relief Society or Primary President. Although, I think you'd probably enjoy Ward/branch Librarian more. :)

Can't wait to hear if everyone in the congregation sustains the sailor inside. ;)

momtofourgirls.Kari said...

that's mean :)

shirley said...


Cheryl said...

Can't wait to hear if you're leading the singing or directing traffic in the parking lot! Hope it's something fun! Do they have anything fun there?

Anita said...

Always wondered if the "potty mouth" thing would be a good excuse... apparently not! Just got released as Primary President, it's not so bad, better than the "mentoring couple for the single adults"! Good luck with whatever!!!!



Team O'Connor said...

Young Women's president? You would be such a good example to those young, malleable minds :) But seriously, that would be a good fit.

Lanie Ree said...

Oh man, I am nervous for you. Please don't keep us in suspense for long!

Mindy said...

AMY!! You're so mean.

Grandma said...

???? can't wait to hear! and still love the time James announced that he wanted to get in a really fast car and go to Grandma and Pep's fast church!!

Downtown Gifts & Crafts said...

Amy ... I love it ... you blogs continue to entertain.

kelly said...

spill it. I read that whole, delightful post and it's just mean not to tell.

BTW, came here via C Jane

kanewoman said...

This blog stalker is also Ben's secretary, and as such, I know what your new calling is! You should be afraid of me, I occasionally make threatening phone calls! Not really, but welcome aboard!