The Story of a Sundae

June 3, 2010

Yesterday afternoon, while I was walking the aisles of the grocery store, I made a very impulsive decision. I decided, with certainty, that I should eat a lot less dessert-type items--and in order to do so, from that point forward, I would only buy organic junk food.

The logic behind this move was twofold:

First, it's no secret that organic junk food is really freaking expensive. So I put two and two together and decided that maybe, if I spent $4.59 on a little package of cookies instead of $2.39 on a big ass box of cookies, the sheer cost would encourage me to savor three cookies instead of inhaling fifteen.

Second, we all know that organic foods are good. They're good for the babies, the dolphins, the song birds, the happy farmers who whistle in their fields, the Disney princesses, and so on and so forth. It all boils down to this--if organic foods are good and I think that I'm really good, I won't eat so much candy.

That makes sense, right? If not, read it again--because I swear, I'm a highly enlightened woman.

So, fifteen minutes and one $20 bill later, I left the store with two packages of Newman's Own sandwich cookies, a pint of chocolate flavored coconut-milk ice cream, some organic m&m knock-offs, and a new lease on life.

I'm not exactly sure what I was trying to accomplish with my sudden lifestyle shift, but I'm sure we can all agree that I was on my way to something excellent.

When I got into my car, I snatched up my iPod and silenced C&C Music Factory as fast as I possibly could. "This racket is not conducive to my new way of life," I thought, "so I will play some Indigo Girls instead. I bet they don't shave their armpits either."

And just for the record--I really want to shave my armpits, I'm just short on time these days.

When I got home, I laid my collection of organic junk food on the bar and went to get Jared. "See this," I commanded, "it's expensive, and organic, and it's mine. Don't touch any of it." And just to drive my point home, I wrote AMY across every single package in thick, black marker.

"Why'd you buy all that?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes, let out a sigh and used the most adolescent tone I could muster, "To change my life, Jared."

"Again? I think you try to change your life every day, Amy."

"Because I'm an exceptional person, Jared."

With that, he grabbed a can of coke, cracked it open and held it up to make a toast. "I'm gonna sit in my chair and watch some 24 reruns on Netflix. Just like I've been doing for the last five months."

"Well I think I'll use portion control, and self-love and sit here and eat one scoop of this high-fiber coconut-milk ice cream. And I'll probably think about God while I do it."

So I did. And it sucked.

So I jazzed up the ice cream with some of those organic cookies. Six to be exact.

It was okay, but it sure as hell didn't launch me into Nirvana or anything.

So I added some organic m&ms. Well, actually, all of the m&ms. Not bad, not bad at all.

Then I added half a cup of generic chocolate syrup--you know what I'm talking about.

I topped it off with three scoops of Edy's rocky road, and finally I had myself a sundae.

The End.


saundra said...

You've done the Skinny Bitches proud! Now, will you reconsider the broom skirt?

Bahston Beans said...

Was it Luna and Larry's Coconut Bliss? That's pretty good as fake ice creams go. But don't eat it if you don't have to! Instead, I highly recommend eating the cookie dough chunks out of your loved one's ice cream.

Mindy said...

I thought if you're a runner that you can eat any damn thing you please... now I'm all worried.

X-Country2 said...

The writing your name part killed me. Glad you finally made it all work. :o)

funderson said...

Well done...I'm sure the Disney princesses and happy farmers are proud. That bit TOTALLY cracked me up..

Team O'Connor said...

Organic junk food always leaves me unfulfilled which leads me to eating real junk food after the organic attempt so that's twice as bad. I've given up lately and accepted by bad eating habits as a phase and am patiently waiting for it to end.

Karen said...

Such a long way to go for something so simple.

EZEthan said...

I try to skip those unheathly desserts and replace them with fruits or vegitables... apple pie or carrot cake for example.

khart said...

I label all my food too! And then I write the weight watchers point value, as a gentle reminder, which I then ignore.

Blaine said...

Amy, you've got to ease into this. The problem is that you went cold turkey. Here's a tip..go to your favorite ice cream section and look at the back. Now, compare your ingredient list on yours to another one that looks "more healthy". If it has fewer ingredients than yours, it wins and you buy it. If yours has fewer ingredients than you get to pat yourself on the back for being health conscious and buy storage.

wendy said...

I want to be like you.
I am one of those "whistling farmers" in the field appreciating your organic self awareness.

and damn, I'm glad you came up with a decent Sundae

Grandma said...

The Rocky Road was really good. After I said goodnight to you guys, I stood at your counter and ate some out of the container with a fork and quietly put the fork in the dishwasher. I didn't have to double-dip since I stabbed a really decent clump of it w/ the fork:)

Heidi said...

Just when all these running posts convince me we have nothing in common anymore, you pull out a post like this.

And then I KNOW we were meant to be together.