His Inner Compass

July 21, 2010

Have you ever felt really fuzzy in the head? You know that pregnancy brain feeling, or the complete sense of confusion you get when you're way too dehydrated?

I'm pretty sure that's how my husband feels all the time.

Now don't get me wrong here, I love the man, but he's one confused little buddy. Especially when he's driving. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've seen him sail through red lights, or come to a screaming halt at a nice bright green signal.

He got all worked up the other day when I accidentally hit my passenger side mirror on the edge of the garage. It's funny, if I could bet hundreds of thousands of dollars, I would wager than he's hit his side mirror on the garage at least forty or fifty times--he just hasn't noticed.

I love the man dearly, but when I drive with Jared, I honestly feel like my head is about to combust. Here's how it goes...

JARED: Let's go get dog food.
ME: Okay, let's go to the store to buy dog food.
JARED: We're going to the dog food store.
ME: Yes we are.
JARED: [drives right past the dog food store]
ME: [turning red in the face, feeling my my blood pressure rise, decide to let him keep driving until he notices, since he'll never learn if I keep correcting him]
JARED: [drives five more miles down the road] I would like to catch a trout.
ME: I would like to THROTTLE YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?
JARED: What?
ME: Where are we going?
JARED: I don't know.

This happens every time we get in the car together. Every. Single. Time.

A few months ago, I made the executive decision that I would be the driver in the family. He could sit his shapely little ass in the passenger seat, and he could worry about operating the ipod and eating his gummy fruit snacks. Simple enough.

Let me tell you, it worked beautifully--until he decided that riding shotgun was compromising his manhood. So he's been driving again, and oh my heavens, it's like half a step under water boarding.

Last night, he got lost going home. Missed the turn FOR HOME.

As he was turning around in some stranger's driveway, he looked back at James and said, "This is called a three point turn."

And I piped in with, "Daddy does a lot of three point turns."

So Jared goes, "What?! You're mad at me just for getting confused on the drive home? Are you seriously annoyed over this?"

That's when I swung open the passenger door, stepped out of the car, and started to walk.

Okay fine, that was a lie. I just rolled my eyes, gave a whole lot of snotty sighs, and copied everything he said in a Daffy Duck voice.

Mature? No. But I needed him to share the pain somehow.

Last night, when I got home from my run, Jared was glued to his laptop, watching a show on the Discovery Channel. It was all about Alaska--something where the network took eight average people, put 'em in a helicopter, dropped 'em somewhere in the tundra and said, "Good luck. There are bears. We'll see you in thirty days."

I asked Jared what he was watching, and he explained it to me and said, "I'd be so great on this show! I could totally find my way out of the Alaskan woods."

Mmm hmm. I'd love to see you take a stab at it.

16 comments:

Navigating the Mothership said...

Ah, I feel your pain. My Husband is the same way: all simple and confused while driving. And I too struggle with saying something and saving everyone time or not saying something and having my head explode when it takes him FOREVER to notice. Haha. I have really been enjoying your blog, by the way.

Morgan -Ing said...

I don't laugh out loud a lot when on the computer, but I was. Derek has missed our turn to home more than once. I just yell, and point, "WE LIVE THERE!" as he drives on by. Awesome.

MAUIGOOSE said...

hmmmm maybe he is color-bind...thats not an excuse for the distracted too much to notice home though. you need to get a gps and just start turning it on for EVERYTHING! that way he has no excuse...otherwise you will go crazy - i guarantee it

Bahston Beans said...

Doesn't your town have about 10 roads? How did he get lost?

Angela said...

I have tears in my eyes after reading this post. You crack me up.

M said...

We could help drop him off...just send him north.

Pam said...

No comment.

Because I do the same stuff.

I've lived in my house for three years, and just a few weeks ago I turned on the wrong highway going home. When I'm coming up the bypass, I am SUPPOSED to turn at the second flashing red light. I turned at the first one. I realized it immediately, but still...

And when I was in Nashville a couple months ago, I was the first car stopped at a redlight. Well it was one of those parts of town that has a redlight like every 50 feet. Instead of watching the redlight I was AT I was watching the NEXT one. Well it turned green and I went. I didn't realize mine was still red until the car behind me honked and brought me back to reality. I'm just oh-so-very lucky that nothing T-boned me. That one kinda scared the crap outta me.

Sarah said...

my husband is the same way. he gets mad at me when i remind him where to turn and he gets mad at me when i don't remind him. you can never win the male female driving battle. NEVER!

mine always claims he is the better driver-- whatever, my one ticket to his 2,000-- of course you are honey :D

Amber Lynae said...

LOL... this is great. The fact that he missed the turn off on the way home really got me laughing.

Lady Hermione said...

This beings back painfully funny memories of my ex, who was just like your husband. He had no clue where the heck he was going, even walking in our house... sad today... I had to giggle thru this.. God be with you and hopefully the kids did not get the confused while driving gene....

Michemily said...

My mom drives too. I remember my parents laughing when some older neighbors were telling a story about a crash or something and they said, "She was in the woman's seat," and my parents said, "Which one's the woman's seat?" I think my mom's argument is that she gets carsick when she's a passenger. You could try that one out on Jared and get where you need to go.

wickedbusymomto3 said...

So does Jared read your blog I wonder? He's a good egg that Jared of yours, if he does read it.
But this? This had me laughing out loud - he's sort of like a real version of the mouse in, "If you give a mouse a cookie..." That's my youngest too -maybe he'll grow up to be Chiropractor! Just thinkin' out loud here!

Seriously, when we bought our house, thank goodness Sprague & Curtis was the Agency because if it wasn't for their BRIGHT ORANGE sign in my yard (which I kept up for as long as I possibly could) I never would have found my house. The kids were always saying, "Mom, you passed our house!" "There goes our house!" "We live THERE now!" , followed by many an eye roll!

The dog food story is classic though! Hey maybe he has food allergies, that's how I felt before I got the allergic stuff out of my life - like the claritan clear commercial...always foggy, never clear.

Now I'm a brain surgeon!

Karen said...

Yea, what is with the guy having to drive?? Is it a manly thing? It drives me crazy. Cause I like to drive to but he won't let me.

Sarah said...

Wow, is this condition diagnosable as "fish brain". Jason is the exact same way...but I swear to you...if there was a stream he wanted to fish, he could find it by pushwacking through the forest and watching the angle of the frickin' sun!

Grandma said...

Don't use a GPS when you are together. For us it means Gonna Punch Someone.

becky @ misspriss said...

You are a better woman than I. That type of crazy-making just might lead to a divorce. Or taking separate cars.