Opposing Forces

November 18, 2010

Today, my Facebook status update is something to the effect of,

I'm simultaneously convinced that we're about A) become successful beyond my wildest dreams, and B) have to sell everything we own and move into our Toyota Matrix. I'm grateful every day that I'm not married to myself.

Now tell me, is this a solo sail on the crazy ship, or has anyone else every felt this way? Because honestly, deep down in the bottom of my heart, I feel like I'm right on the cusp of something huge, something that fills up every nook and crevice of my personal potential.

And then, on the other hand, I'm pretty well convinced that my life is balancing on a house of cards and there's wind in the ten day forecast.

Let's think about this for a second. If I take the 'cusp of something huge,' add it to 'the house of cards,' and divide by two, what do we come up with? That's right--normal, average, fine, secure.

Chances are, that's exactly how my life will play out. I know this. So the real question is: Why can't I stop the insane mental ping-pong game? Why can't I just be logical and say, "Welp, I guess the gas is going on the Visa this month. We'll pay it off when that check comes in."

Doesn't that direction of thought sound so easy? So simple and appealing? So true?

So completely impossible for me today.

But it does have me thinking about one of my husband's very favorite songs. The lyric that always kills me is at 1:58 and it goes:

Everybody's troubled with the hustle and the bustle,
The payment on the house is late.
If I ever have a problem like that,
I guess I'll be in pretty good shape.

Luckily, the payment on the house isn't technically late. But either way, Ryan Bingham (who may or may not be on the list of people I'd make out with even though I'm married) managed to capture me, and the vast majority of other 30ish year old Americans, in four little lines. That's what I call good music.

So here I am, with two feet, each plotted firmly on an opposing side of the tracks. Half of me thinking that I'm about to put the moon in my pocket, and the other half convincing my husband that the car's about to get repossessed.

Is this normal?


Mindy said...

I could've written this same post... I feel the exact same way. Amen.

Marc and Megan said...

I'm right there with you, too. We have thousands of dollars still to pay off Hugh's NICU stay and with a husband who owns his own business we're having a less than stellar fourth quarter... so I'm not exactly sure how the holidays are going to go this year. Whenever I start stressing about our conditions I try to imagine the very worst case scenario (which would probably involve moving in with family) and usually it isn't as bad as my mind tries to make me believe.

But, hey, I saw you won the pizza contest! Maybe the gas station will take pizza for payment? ;) Hang on, Amy, you're on a good trend right now!

MsDarkstar said...

I feel like that all the time. It's something to ponder over the weekly free pizza. CONGRATS!

A friend of mine had a motto that helps... "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst and be happy for anything in between"

JC said...

Exactly the same. All the time. Driving to work thinking that all this must be because I am somehow destined to do something great one day but have to develop the strength to be ready when the time comes. Or I am full of crap and my head is justifying.

TheOneTrueSue said...

I'm exactly the wrong person to comment, because we went from being completely secure and making well over $100K plus to living out the white trash dream of bankruptcy, foreclosure and reposession, thanks to a little thing I like to call the IMPLOSION OF ALL OF OUR HOPES AND DREAMS.

Not that I'm bitter.