Canine Jewels

December 1, 2010

In my opinion--and I'm pretty sure I'm right, since I heard it from the pulpit back in 1988--dog testicle are one of the most disturbing sights which the human eye can gaze upon. Cat balls are even creepier.

Sure we've all seen our fair share of cellulite wrapped in spandex and unflushed toilets at the neighborhood WalMart, but there's something about a canine nut sack that shocks me every time. Men wear pants for a reason, but male dogs? They just lets those good flap in the wind, bounce when they run, sprawl out when they lounge around.

It's not right.

Based on my strong and steadfast feelings surrounding male dog genitalia, I never even began to imagine that one day, I'd have a set of dog testicles living under my roof. But somehow, fate screwed with my plans, and they're chillaxing on my throw rug right this very minute.

It's true. And I'm absolutely sure that Bob Barker* is rolling over in his grave--Coach isn't neutered.

Go ahead and lecture me in the comments if you must, I'll forward them along to Jared--the junk preserver of the family. But before you get all fired up, rest assured that Coach isn't roving the neighborhood solo, hittin' it up with the bitches (that's the technical term for female dog, ya know). He practices abstinence.

Anyway, I wouldn't want you to misinterpret that disclaimer as a show of support. Make no mistake about it, his dog balls are DISGUSTING. Last night, while I was cooking dinner and he was lying on the kitchen floor, I had to cover them up with a paper towel. Otherwise, I would have been forced to make a dramatic scene to my husband--and dramatic scenes never go over so well in this house.

I guess we're keeping his testicles around so he can do a better job catching turkeys. Something like that. And Jared says that when he gets a little bit older, we can whore him out for cash, too. I hate that idea. I also hate pimp n' ho halloween costumes, so my feelings don't surprise me.

Long story short, my dog has balls and I can't stop looking at them.

*THIS JUST IN: Bob Barker's not dead after all! Hallelujah!

15 comments:

Michemily said...

Paper towel coverage. I'm sure if you google it, you could find some way to craft your dog's own paper-towel diaper! Good luck with that (yuck!).

Pam said...

My dog hasn't had balls in almost a year and he still licks where they should be. I guess it's kind of like an amputee saying they can still feel an itch on their missing limb. Phantom balls need licking too.

Razz said...

did you just write an entire post about your dog's balls? Impressive!

Bahston Beans said...

I like where Michemily is going. The only thing that might horrify Jared into denutting Coach is putting the dog in some hip doggie clothes.

Tanwon said...

I can relate. My husband wants to keep our dog with his balls attached. When I'm frustrated with Spartacus I make a scissor motion with my hands and say "I'll cut your balls off". He of course has no idea what I mean, but I certainly feel better. This kind of makes me sound crazy. Hopefully it helps though.

Kristina said...

Bob Barker can't roll over in his grave - he's not dead!

Charming's Mama said...

Interesting, your last two posts have had something to do the parts of the anatomy that aren't generally discussed in public. You may have issues. Then again, I used to work on a dairy farm and I have seen some balls, you haven't lived until you've seen the balls on a half ton bull named Earl, it isn't pretty!

Amy said...

Gross.

Morgan -Ing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Morgan -Ing said...

Sorry, typo issues.
If Jared wants to FEEL like Coach isn't neutered, then get him neutered one day while Jared's gone, and then get the dog "neuticals." Artificial! Then no one would ever know. (P.S. Neuticals are a real thing. I swear!)

Team O'Connor said...

Amy, you need to embrace the balls. My husband has helped me overcome my distaste for the ballsack by being naked nearly 100% of the time in our home. I thought it was weird at first but now if I don't see nuts at some point of the day it just doesn't feel right.

joolee said...

Tee hee! We had a St. Bernard for awhile this past summer and I totally hear you! So disgusting you just HAVE to look! Let's just say it was a good lesson in anatomy here in our estrogen-filled home.

Charlotte said...

have you ever seen squirel balls? They are totally out of proportion.

JC said...

Uh, thanks. I read the comments for some laughs, but now I just have to see squirrel balls to satisfy my curiosity. Looks out furry bird feeder robbers, I'll be watching you...

dearjenn said...

OMG I laughed so hard I was snorting and crying at the same time. My husband came running from two rooms away because he thought I was choking. The good news is, he cared enough to come running.

We don't have any dog balls in this house, and after reading your post about them, I seriously don't know if I could ever look at them the same way. I would need to obtain a Sams Club membership to keep stock in paper towels if so.