December 1, 2010
In my opinion--and I'm pretty sure I'm right, since I heard it from the pulpit back in 1988--dog testicle are one of the most disturbing sights which the human eye can gaze upon. Cat balls are even creepier.
Sure we've all seen our fair share of cellulite wrapped in spandex and unflushed toilets at the neighborhood WalMart, but there's something about a canine nut sack that shocks me every time. Men wear pants for a reason, but male dogs? They just lets those good flap in the wind, bounce when they run, sprawl out when they lounge around.
It's not right.
Based on my strong and steadfast feelings surrounding male dog genitalia, I never even began to imagine that one day, I'd have a set of dog testicles living under my roof. But somehow, fate screwed with my plans, and they're chillaxing on my throw rug right this very minute.
It's true. And I'm absolutely sure that Bob Barker* is rolling over in his grave--Coach isn't neutered.
Go ahead and lecture me in the comments if you must, I'll forward them along to Jared--the junk preserver of the family. But before you get all fired up, rest assured that Coach isn't roving the neighborhood solo, hittin' it up with the bitches (that's the technical term for female dog, ya know). He practices abstinence.
Anyway, I wouldn't want you to misinterpret that disclaimer as a show of support. Make no mistake about it, his dog balls are DISGUSTING. Last night, while I was cooking dinner and he was lying on the kitchen floor, I had to cover them up with a paper towel. Otherwise, I would have been forced to make a dramatic scene to my husband--and dramatic scenes never go over so well in this house.
I guess we're keeping his testicles around so he can do a better job catching turkeys. Something like that. And Jared says that when he gets a little bit older, we can whore him out for cash, too. I hate that idea. I also hate pimp n' ho halloween costumes, so my feelings don't surprise me.
Long story short, my dog has balls and I can't stop looking at them.
*THIS JUST IN: Bob Barker's not dead after all! Hallelujah!