Time Out!

December 15, 2010

You know what? I love so many things about my husband Jared. He looks great in plaid, he sings like an angel, his naked butt looks just like the David's, and so on and so forth. 

Not to make you super jealous or anything, but I honestly can't remember if this is a picture of the statue or Jared getting into the shower:

Either way, don't you just want to cradle those things in your hands?

Of course you do.

Shapely rear aside, I have to admit that for every fifty things I adore about Jared, there seems to be one or six that I'm almost incapable of handling. For example, Jared gives too many damn time-outs. If time-outs were rainbow sprinkles, we'd be a happy, happy family.

According to my observations, moms around the world have somewhere between forty and fifty parenting tricks tucked away for any given situation. Men? They have one.

For some dads it's yelling, for others it's intimidation, some guys are straight-up push-overs, and then you have my husband's breed--the time-out issuer. This time of year, he'll occasionally venture into Santa related threats, but nine times out of ten, he opts for the time-out.

Now don't get me wrong, I truly believe that time-outs are one of the most effective parenting tools on the planet--but my husband, I kid you not, doles time-outs for things like dawdling.

For example:

JARED: You're not ready for church yet? What have you been doing?
JAMES: Sitting here on my bed, playing with my toes.
JARED: But we're late!
JAMES: But I don't like church. It's better when we're late.
JARED: Time out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...and now we'll be five and a half minutes later. That's exactly why I like to use the 'threats of eternal damnation' parenting trick when James is reluctant to go to church.

Or here's another one:

JARED: Get in the car, it's time to go to Sam's Club.
JAMES: I don't want to go to Sam's Club, I just want to sit here.
JARED: We need forty rolls of toilet paper. We're going to Sam's Club.
JAMES: But I really just want to sit here.
JARED: Time out!!!! Sit here for five and a half minutes and think about this!

Mmm yeah. You know what he's thinking? He's thinking, "Ha! Foiled again, you fool!"

I saved my favorite for last:

JARED: Bed time!
JAMES: No thanks.
JAMES: I want to stay up for a few more minutes.
JARED: Time out! Sit in the living room for five minutes!

What ever happened to the good old fashioned If you don't get in bed this minute I swear you'll have to sleep standing up in your closet followed by a long, rabid hissing noise? That's pretty much my specialty.

So tell me, what's your husband's one and only discipline technique?


Chelsea said...

Boy, Amy, I'm not married yet, but I'm engaged, and if we ever have kids it'll be at least 8 years from now, but I'm calling it right now: John's one parenting trick is going to be to either look at me or to pull one of those, "Oh boy. You... you just wait until your mommy gets home."

He might yell once in a while, too, but the way this guy asks questions and takes notes when I answer him during Supernanny is a sure-fire sign that he'll be looking to me every time that baby's got a fart stuck sideways.

PS. I never understood that "fart stuck sideways" comment my grandpa and mom always used to say until I started nannying. Babies. That's where the saying came from.

HL said...

Dude! We just had this um, conversation? argument? about this this morning. Hubs one technique = time out. We went to see a daycare this week and they talked about how they do time outs and now I'm positive we're screwing up our kid. I'm combing the parenting/discipline books accordingly.

Obsessively yours,


PS Fart stuck sideways is my new favorite saying!

Bootchez said...

OK, here's how I read this post.

Read read read ASS ASS ASS, does her husband's ass really look like that?!? ASS Jared ASS Jared ASS



Perhaps I need a time out?

(Fart stuck sideways! HA HA HA!)

Michemily said...

Time out. Is that Jared's butt? What is seeping down it?

Kirsty said...

My husband leans exclusively on unrealistic threats that nobody ever believes. His favourite is, "or you won't come with." (to wherever the entire family will next be going, at night.) "You'll stay here. Alone!"

'Cos we are seriously going to leave a 6 year old alone at home for 5 hours on a December night. He does it for everything.

HL said...

PS My hubs ass also looks like 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream. HOT!

Chris said...

My day has just been made.

Karen said...

My Hubby has NO discipline technique at all. Can you say "wrapped around their little fingers?"

lauridawn said...

Once in a blue moon, he'll say to the kids in a very slightly perturbed voice "No griping, whining, moaning." Then he looks at me and cracks a joke. There's only been maybe three times in thirty years of child-rearing that he's actually raised his voice with them and it totally crushed them.

Fart stuck sideways - Don't tell my kids that there's one I never heard before. It has popped back into my head repeatedly for the last 24 hours now.

Morgan -Ing said...

Oh Chels, how I love thee.

And Amy- Derek's parenting technique numero uno is: "GO FIND MOMMY!" He uses it so effectively and frequently that my FIVE YEAR OLD had picked it up was using it on the one year old today. NICE!

Scrappy_Lady said...

fart stuck sideways - LOL! Yes, some days that seems to be the only explanation.

Add my hubster to the unrealistic threat category. In addition to threats regarding staying home alone as the rest of the family attends and event, there are threats of throwing away toys and cancelling birthday parties.

And remember, these threats are for silly things like talking too much at the dinner table instead of eating. Um, yeah, we've got some teen years coming, and should probably keep fostering communication...

Reluctant Runner said...

Funny! My husband's favourite technique is to just give in. Works great for tantrums in toy stores.

Annette said...

This post is so funny and has totally made my day! My husband's technique falls into the "unrealistic threat" category. Like a young child having to stay home alone by themselves while we all go somewhere else. Yeah, not gonna happen, so don't say it! NEVER WORKS! We've 'discussed' this SO may times, he doesn't get it. He also falls into the category of punishing them for talking and I too remind him that we are close to teenage years and want to encourage open communication! How did these guys miss that gene???