Early Morning Wake Up Call

May 2, 2011

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: My husband's sky-high level of oblivion will never cease to amaze me. Never.

Last night, I decided to cancel my early-morning religion class. For those of you who don't remember, every morning, from 6:05 until 6:55, ten teenagers come to my house to fart, complain, and learn about the Gospel. Most Mormons call it 'Seminary.' I call it, 'Holy hell, you're asking me to volunteer to do what?!?!'

Anyhoo, I drove to Connecticut for my cousin's baby shower this past weekend, and I got back into town a whole lot later than I though I would. Always being one to look for a good (or bad) reason to cancel seminary, I called it off. I texted the kids who text, I called the kids who've lost their texting privileges, and I snuggled in for a sweet night of sleep.

As a side note, but a side note that's completely relevant to this little story, springtime in Maine arrived about a week ago--and even now, it still gets pretty cold at night. Being me--a girl who's never on top of anything--our bed is still sporting its winter layers.

Sometime during the night, the combination of extra blankets, pajamas, and spring air made me hot--like sweating out of every pore hot. As such, sometime around 3am, I stripped down to nothingness and got back into bed, happy to enjoy a perfect combination of nudity and wool blankets.

It was flawless. I slept like a baby/log/my father.

Around 6 o'clock in the morning, I heard a very disheartening noise--my front door opening, and the terrible sound of laughing young-adult voices. I shook Jared awake...."Jared, Jared. One of the seminary kids showed up and they just let themselves in!! I'm totally naked!!!! You need to get up and tell them it's cancelled!"

"Oh, you get up," he huffed.

"Jared," I said in no uncertain terms, "I'm NAKED!!!!" And just to drive the point home, I threw all the covers down to my feet, and puffed out my belly so I'd look six-months pregnant and wicked hot. Sometimes I just like to do that. It's fun.

Finally, Jared pieced it all together and realized that he needed to get up and tell the teenagers to GO HOME! Because they're NOT WELCOME HERE! So he jumped out of bed, walked out of our room and left the door hanging 100%, completely, all the way open. And I was 100%, completely, all the way naked. With the covers 100%, completely, all the way at my feet.

And here, just to give you some perspective, is the view when you step in to my house through the mudroom door:

That thing, all the way at the end of the hall is a bed. I don't know, maybe you can't really tell it's a bed? Could you tell it was a bed if someone was sprawled out in the nude?

No seriously, I really need to know.

Jared walked down the hall, in what actually proved to be slow motion, allowing me the time to think thoughts including, but not limited to, the following:

What kid could that be?...Who didn't I get it touch with?...Did I remember to do my crunches last night?

As Jared got closer, a few things became glaringly apparent. This was a boy...no, wait...two boys. The two boys had let themselves in and were already standing in the dining room. And according to their accents, these weren't local boys, these boys were from the West.

In other words, these were Mormon missionaries. And they were standing right about where that picture was taken from.

The last thing I wanted to do was call attention to myself, so I wasn't sure what to do next. Grabbing for the covers, rolling off the bed and hitting the floor, or screaming something like WHY ME?????, were all solid attention grabbers in my estimation.

What could I do? What could I do? What could I do?

All I could do was call upon my inner-Animal Planet senses, and play dead. I froze like nobody's ever froze before. No breathing, no blinking, no wiggling, no nothing. I pretended to be a body pillow--a deceased body pillow.

Finally, the missionaries wrapped up their conversation with my #1 husband, and vacated the mudroom.

Jared tromped back into the bedroom and said, "It was the missionaries."

And I said, "I know. You left the door wide open."

And he said, "Lucky guys.....you're way hotter than any of the naked girls I stumbled upon when I was a missionary."

How was your morning?