A Very Unflattering Title

June 30, 2011

Jared says I'm a cougar. I can't decide whether or not I agree with him on this very serious and alarming accusation. Please allow me to set the scene...

Two Sundays ago, Jared and I were sitting in church. More specifically, we were sitting behind three Mormon missionaries. Two are assigned to our congregation, and one was visiting our branch on some very important and official missionary business--possibly enforcing the short haircut protocol.

The visitor had been at our house the night before, picking up dinner, and what can I say? The kid caught my eye. Twenty-one years old, a strapping young man who likes to compete in rodeos.

Be still my soul.

On Sunday morning we slipped into church a few minutes late. I settled my kids into the pew, picked my nose a little bit (an incognito nose pick is one of my many talents), looked up and BLAM-O! I was staring straight into the back of the head of that fine, young, bushy-haired cowboy.

Without thinking I turned toward Jared, pressed my lips on his ear and said, pointing toward the figure up ahead, "I'd totally hit that!"

Jared said, "That?"

I non-nonchalantly nodded, confirming his inquiry. "That."

Jared, never having been a man of jealousy replied, "Of course you would, he's a cowboy."

That man of mine, I swear he knows me better than I know myself. (Now if he's buy a friggin' cowboy suit, we could really kick it up a notch.)

Three hours later, on the drive home, Jared placed is hand on my thigh and said, "You know you're a cougar, right?"

"Well I never! Me? A cougar? I'm not old enough to be a cougar! That's ridiculous and VERY offensive, Jared!"

According to Jared, once a woman hits thirty, she becomes eligible for the cougar title. Is he right?

Oh damn, I'm really afraid that he's right.

(ATTN MORMONS: I'm hoping this post gets Jared off the hook for his new calling, because it's not a calling that should ever be occurring in this household.)

22 comments:

saundra said...

I agree with you. A woman has to be over 40 to qualify as a cougar.

Michemily said...

I think the woman has to actually be successfully dating the at-least-fifteen-years-younger guy to be called a cougar.

Amy said...

I think you don't yet qualify for cougar status, but you have loads of cougar potential.

Lesley said...

I am pretty sure that between 30-39 we are still "pumas" rather than cougars- I reserve cougar for 40+!

mommymelb said...

Oh thank heaven's everyone here agrees with me...you can't cougar until you're 40!

Melanie and Aaron said...

I was curious to see if there was an "official" answer to this question and it seems there really isn't one. People have opinions ranging from when a man is 10+ years younger that the woman, to anywhere from 30-yrs to 40-yrs old. One person even said "...anything that is 10 years older than I am...".
I guess in the end, no official answer means you may never really reach that status. ;)

MsDarkstar said...

The generally accepted guideline (http://womensissues.about.com/od/startingover/f/FAQCougar.htm) is that 40 is the "cougar" age.

FinnyKnits said...

Lesley's right - we're still Pumas. BUT - I thought you were only considered any of these things IF you're unmarried and on the prowl (as feline creatures tend to be) for younger ass.

Though, if you're married and on the prowl for younger ass, you probably get called other names that aren't as Nature Channel as Cougar and Puma.

I'm not going to think about it too much.

Also, I hope you leaned forward to smell that cowboy's neck.

Just to test out your Puma sense of course.

MAUIGOOSE said...

im still waiting to hear what calling it is....

Tara said...

hmmm, this is a tough one. I think of a cougar as a woman who is 10 or more years older than her partner/target. So technically you could be 29 and a cougar (although it's highly unlikely).

sana said...

i think a cougar woman is who has 10 years younger guy

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Pam said...

Hmmmm.... no, I don't think so. I think you have to be older to be a cougar. How old is Demi Moore?

Melissa said...

Definitely over 40. If I weren't chemically castrated by anti-depressants, I would be a cougar!!!
Love you Amy! Keep up the good work!

Leisha Mareth said...

I call dibs on the cowboy sloppy seconds.

you're funny. I like you.

Love,
Stranger from the Internet

Adam said...

Unflattering? I'd take being a cougar as a compliment. Have you seen demi moore?

January said...

"Be still my soul." bwhahahahha. I really laughed out loud. Can't Jared just drink coffee? I do. ;)

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