You're Cordially Invited to Touch my Butt in 90 Days

June 21, 2011

This is my next door neighbor. Her name is Kim, and she really is that cute. 


Two weeks ago I ran into Kim at the end of our cul-de-sac. It was a random Tuesday night, and I kid you not, the girl was wearing a bedazzled halter top, perfectly pressed trouser jeans, and some kind of shoes that weren't Crocs.

"Damn Kim! Check you out," I said. "Where'd you just come from?"

She looked at me like I thirteen heads wearing thirteen really ugly hats. "Huh?"

"You're wearing a bedazzled halter top," I stammered. "People don't just wear strapless bras for nothing. There's something fancy going on, right?"

She shook her head apologetically, because no, she wasn't on her way home from a photo shoot. She wasn't on her way to a trendy restaurant that I've never heard about either. Apparently, the girl just wears embellished clothing (and footwear) on random weekdays.

Me on the other hand? Well I wear sh!t out of the Goodwill bag...because I hate doing laundry....more than I hate wearing ill-fitting neon t-shirts from the mid-1990s.

This past Saturday Kim left a message on my phone saying something to the effect of:

I'm driving down the highway, and my thighs won't stop jiggling.
We really need to do P90x or something...

Cut to me, yesterday, meeting up with an incredibly sketchy guy, in an incredibly sketchy parking lot, buying the entire set (of DVDs, not VHS tapes--I'm not that lame):


And I don't even think it's pirated.

You all know I've had some unique encounters thanks to craigslist, but I've got to say, craigslisting that involves the purchase of exercise equipment is my absolute freaking favorite.

My first used treadmill purchase is documented in this book. Let's just say that Jared decided to give that treadmill a test drive and ended up doing a seriously intense speed workout in a friendly stranger's living room.

My second used treadmill purchase involves a woman doing a little bit of fake crying, going, "Oh no! My treadmill! This is so sad. I don't know what I'll do without it. This is the worst part of moving..." I took the circa 2006 treadmill home, ran the diagnostics, and guess what? 39 miles/17 hours of use. Total.

This time, they guy "couldn't use P90x because when [he] ordered it, [he] forgot [he] lived in a second floor apartment, and that it would bother the downstairs neighbors." Now that's an excuse I actually believe, because sometimes, when I let the grass grow all the way up to my knees, I forget that it bothers my neighbors, too. Dude, say no more.

I did the P90x plyometrix workout last night, and I'm already trying to think up a good excuse for when I unload this thing on craigslist. "It made me cry too much," sounds way too dumb. Don't you think?

In spite of the pain, I'm trying to stay positive over here. So, if you're one of the fortunate ones, I'll let you touch my butt in 90 days. For free. How does that sound?

15 comments:

Pam said...

I bought it a while back to use on my cross training days. That didn't last long because it was making me so sore that I couldn't run! I also wanted it for upper body, but HOLY CRAP. I can barely squeeze out 25 pushups now and the first upper body one I did had you doing literally like HUNDREDS of them. I watched most of that one from the couch. And the other arms ones require so much peripheral equipment...

Since I live too far away to touch your butt, I will be expecting photos instead. Mkay?

MAUIGOOSE said...

yea I lasted 3 days on that thing and just felt bad that I couldnt do half the stuff the beginners SHOULD be able to do....now we just TALK about starting it again. yea - any day now

Michemily said...

I hope you tried it out with Kim. Working out with other peeps can be both depressing and happy at the same time, but at least it's motivating.

Amy said...

I did P90x starting in Jan '10--I took a good 3 months off from running completely and just committed to the workouts--the program is so intense and amazing, my transition back to running that spring was effortless. I still do plyometrics once a week on cross training days.
P90x is a great program. Unfortunatey my body never did morph into a P90x body (my whoopie pie intake most certainly did not help matters).

Morgen Pfanstiel said...

I am excited for you! I think I could stick to it (I have done some of the workouts as part of a fitness class, including the plyo... "you can do anything for thirty seconds" is a complete lie)but my ceilings are too low and I don't think my floor is strong enough.

Laura said...

Oh goodness, Amy. I am on my last week of Insanity and the very first day I actually broke down and cried in the middle of the workout. I believe P90X is similar (from what I've read online from other Beachbody fanatics), and my assessment is that you will dread every single workout, and while you will get stronger, it's not going to transform your body as much as you think. I haven't been following the diet rigorously and it seems to me that THAT is what makes the big difference, not the workouts. Will be curious to see how it goes for you!

Chelsea said...

I do TurboFire (also by Beachbody) and I LOVE it!! You should try it after you get done with P90X :).

Morgan -Ing said...

I bought it, did the yoga and almost died. That's as far as I got.

MB said...

Do I really have to wait 90 days? How about a before and after feel?

Razz said...

fair enough

Mel said...

LOL I only do the Ab RipperX and the Yoga at this point. The others make me cry a LOT.

Emilie said...

I just wanted to say that you are so funny and i love reading your blog. The end.

Adam said...

39 miles on the treadmill, yes. But 400M of those miles were recorded forever on a hilarious podcast. (I promise I don't stalk you.....)

Speaking of stalking, how can I turn down a chance at a sexual harassment lawsuit?! Consider yourself prepped to be groped.

Fun Mama said...

Will you please get a twitter account? Cause you need one. :)

Stef said...

Yeah. We have that one. It hurts. Like deep hurt. Almost more than labor...because in child birth, you can get an epidural.
Once you recover from that one, you need to try Insanity. It is awesome!