The Third Ring of Hell
June 19, 2007

Oh summer! What fun! Children playing, ice cream trucks passing, grills fired up, and carefree attitudes. People count down to summer all year long--it's their reason for living.

Except for those unfortunate souls who have been banished to live in Texas. Quite simply, summertime in Texas is like stepping in to the third circle of Hell. Not only is it unbelievably hot, but the people get super mean and nasty because of it. You'll regularly see people fighting at train stops, children beating up on younger kids at the park, big-haired ladies running into one another's luxury cars (just to get a rise out of their friends), and if you look closely, I swear that the devil himself is driving every public bus in this city.

Just last night, we were taking a leisurely walk as a family. We came to an intersection and looked both ways as all responsible pedestrians should, and proceeded to cautiously cross the road. As we crossed, a fugly old car approached the stop sign and I happily waved to the driver (who happened to be every bit as ugly as her car). In response to my friendly wave, this woman threw her hands up in exasperation, rolled her eyes and began to mutter all kinds of not nice things. Initially, I was confused. What can possibly be so angering about a young couple, an overly chunky toddler and an old dog? Then I remembered--it's the summer. No one wants young families to enjoy walks in the summertime. Everyone should be miserable.

Families, watermelon, children, dogs, flowers, singing, sunshine, rainbows, unicorns, bags-o-money....in the Texas heat, they all suck.

So bust out your cowboy hats, your thick skin, and your bulletproof vests! It's the summertime in the LoneStar State....Heeeeee-haw!

**Oh, and one last word to the wise...NEVER make the mistake of asking the neighborhood sno-cone lady for a screwball. Instead of kindly directing you to the adjacent ice cream truck, she'll call you and your family a bunch of #$%$^@ screwballs. Then she'll squeal the tires of her golf cart as she drives away in a rage. Last summer I quite seriously saw her burn rubber right into a park bench. It was amazing.**

3 comments:

Amy said...

Oh, the memories you've brought back. Sometimes I surprise myself, remembering that I used to run during summer afternoons in Dallas. What was I thinking? The heat must have gotten to my brain. Good thing I got out before it was too late.

Well, I'm off to the beach . . .

Michemily said...

I happen to be one of those people who love to be extraordinarily, muggily hot. Just imagine me returning from Germany two years ago to lay down on the sidewalk in the 102-degree heat. Mmmmm. Flying through the Mojave Desert with the AC broken wasn't as bad as one might think.

Grandma said...

all those for low dewpoints raise your hands! it's all about the dewpoint!