Move Over Britney
September 18, 2007

That's right, move over Britney Spears, because I'm about to put your performance to shame! No, not your recent performance at the VMAs--anyone can top that. Seriously, I was peeking in on the very old people's Silver Sneaker's step aerobics class at the YMCA yesterday and they had far more pep in their step than you did last weekend.

I believe I've trumped you in what might be your biggest strength these days--crappy-ass parenting. I know, I know...hard to believe. But really honey, you've met your match.

Read on.

James usually takes a nap around noon, but yesterday, since his friend Trevor (pronounced by James as "Treasure") was over, I let him stay up until 1:30. He took a quick nap, and by the time 7:30 rolled around, he was exhausted. We're talkin' D-U-N done.

Buuuut, instead of putting James into his bed, we decided to put James in the stroller and go for a little family walk. We got home around 8:30--he usually goes to bed at 8.

By this point, James had moved beyond 'overtired' and entered the realm of 'hyper like a tricked-out zoo animal.' He was running all over the apartment, as fast as he possibly could, picking up any item in his path and throwing it over his shoulder. Fire trucks were flying, tupperware was being tossed, and the tampons from my purse were haphazardly flung all over the kitchen.

Instead of addressing the issue and putting the crazy little primate in his baby cage crib, I was like "Mmmm, I think I'd like some ice cream." So in the midst of the chaos, I removed my pint of cookies n' cream from the broccoli bag in which I like to hide it, and dished up a lovely, heaping bowl.

James ran into the kitchen, picked up one of Jared's dress shoes, and stopped on a dime just as he was about to launch it over his shoulder.

"Moyee" he said, "Dabes wan some esheem too." (translation: Mommy, James wants some ice cream, too)

The proper parental response would have been: No, it's past your bedtime. Up the stairs right now, young man!

My response was: One scoop or two?!

By now it was 9 o'clock and my 2 year old was sitting in his high chair, happily indulging in a hefty serving of Oreo laced ice cream. I'm a genius. He went to bed around 9:15, and proceeded to break his personal jumping record, do a dead-on monkey impersonation, and compose an original song all about me.

Jared and I headed upstairs around ten, and opened his door like we usually do, fully expecting him to asleep, just like he usually is. But instead, he sprung up, shoved his pacifier under the pillow, plopped his blanket on top and proclaimed, "Moyee, esch go! Esch pyay!" (translation: Mommy, let's go! Let's play!)

That's his morning routine. Fantastic.

He settled down a few minutes later and slept until 2am, when I woke up to hear him calling my name. I walked into his room and he did it again--he stuffed his binky under the pillow and let me know it was time to play.

"No" I said, "It's sleeping time, not playing time."

This conversation eventually moved to our bed, where James twisted my hair with one fat little finger and poked Jared's right eye with another. "Esch go! Esch go!" This lasted until roughly 3:45am when James shook us both awake to relay the following message:

"Moyee. Daddy. Dabes es so much fun. I a gud time."

Jared repeated back, "James is so much fun?! Did you just call yourself a good time?"

"Yeah" he replied, and immediately fell into a deep, knocked-out kind of sleep.

Moral of the story? NEVER give your child ANYTHING containing Oreos. Well, not unless you're totally ready for a really good time!

Got that Brit?


CollegeGirl said...

Hahahaha! I totally just busted up laughing in the super quiet library on campus! Sounds like an interesting evening!

Rob & Katy said...

Wow... go on, James. I wonder what would happen if you gave him a Cakester...

Melinda said...

I a gud time!!! Love it!!! (I wouldn't love it at 3:45 a.m., but I can appreciate reading about it happening to you!)

RunningCrazyAfter3 said...

LMAO! I always love the people that insist that if you keep them up late and get them "good & tired" they will sleep so much better. Has NEVER happened in my house. Always the opposite. But I do have to agree, that I am sure James IS a good time :)

Mother Smuckers said...

For a good time call James!


Sounds like loads of fun but my kids are NEVER sleeping over at your house.

katieo said...

I don't know. I think I might trump you in the bad parenting. For after the late night + icrecreamoreofest, I probably would've given him a benedryl-spiked bottle.

MillerFam said...

LMAO over here.

But, if you really want to give Britney a run for her money you need to stop wearing underwear and make sure you get lots of pics taken of your woohoo getting out of cars, while you are feeding James more oreos and putting some mountain dew in his sippy cup. Might want to stop at the salon and get a buzz cut too. I mean what better way to beat that Texas heat?

The Carrie Collection said...

You know I'm getting all my parenting advice from your blog. Not having kids I wouldn't know the first thing about raising a child but thanks to you and your infinite wisdom, my children will be just as dysfunctional as the rest of society. I appreciate that.

jkrunning said...

Oh my. I can relate. Our oldest daughters first experience with sugar came in the form of Cookies and Cream ice-cream when she was 9 months old. You could SEE the sugar rush in her eyes.

Grandma said...

love the "esch go" because that's what it sounds like!! Have you let him have the orange soda yet or are you afraid he'll have the same reaction as you? Tell James we'll have ice cream here, but I think I'll let him have it in the morning!! xo

Jess said...

Oh oney, unless that oreo ice cream was laced with barbituates, I don't think you'd ever be a worse mom than Britney!

Michemily said...

I wish I had some funny story to relay, but all I can say is, "Ha ha ha."

Penny said...

Hahaha. Great story.