Pushed to the Edge
October 12, 2007

I wouldn't call James a difficult child--not by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, he's naughty every now and again, but I think that's normal--after all, the kid is two. He's generally very calm and surprisingly polite. And not to rub it in your face or anything, but James even knows how to accept and return a compliment:

Me: James, you have cute feet.

James: Sank you, Mommy. (translation: Thank you, Mommy)


James: Uhhhhh, Moyee? I yike yo hayo. (Uhhhh, Mommy? I like your hair)

We had that very conversation at the park earlier this week, and I've got to admit, it brought a little tear to my eye.

**side note: It also brought uncontrollable tears to the the mom sitting next to me--her kid was the evil little six-year-old who was chasing a girl with a stick**

Unfortunately, James wasn't his normal self yesterday. He transformed from 'the cute little boy with the curly hair' to 'that nasty little monster with the big, greasy afro.' He was whining and pushing. He was stealing toys and running away. Basically, he was being bossy and aggressive with a little hint of violence. Cute, huh?

James was being terrible, but somehow, I was hanging on. My rationale was still in tact, I was maintaining my calm, and I hadn't given in to my very strong urge to post him on the "swap" section of Craigslist--because honestly, a rottwiler or a Buick was seeming SO MUCH EASIER by that point. I was a downright pillar of patience. Until...

James and I were sitting at the kitchen table eating grapes. He picked a teey-tiny little grape off the stem--it was only about this big: O. He looked at me, smiled and said, "Dat's a baby gwape!"

Ok, kind of cute.

Then he took another, slightly larger grape. This time, it was about this big: O. He smiled at me again and exclaimed, "Dat es a daddy gwape!"

Alright, that was sweet.

But can you guess what happened next? I'll give you a clue...the cuteness came to a sudden, screeching halt.

My child took the biggest grape he could possibly find--the damn thing was like this: O. Then he lowered his voice to the same grumbly tone you would use to imitate a giant saying "Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum!" And he said, "Dis is da MOMMY gwape!"

I was like, "EXCUSE ME?!"

And he repeated himself, only louder. "DIS is da MOMMY GWAPE!"

"Is Mommy big like that?" I asked.


"No James. Is Mommy really THAT much bigger than Daddy?"

"Yes. Mommy es SOOOO big!"

I had that child changed into his pajamas and tucked in bed withing sixty seconds.

He won.

He broke me.

Do you know why? Because it's true--I currently outweigh my husband by fifteen pounds, and I certainly don't want to hear about it from my two-year-old monster.


Rob & Katy said...

I'm sure Jared would have been just as offended. No dude likes to hear he's gotten super skinny.

By the way, I just laughed my butt off- I saw it coming. Gotta love James. Thank God he wasn't doing extended family... I'm afraid he would have had to find a plum to represent Auntie Katy.

Art Linkletter said...

Kids say the darndest things.

krystyn said...

Well, that 15 lbs is all muscle though right? I mean, muscle weighs more than fat---that explains the difference. :-)

Taryn said...

Okay, stop. I too, think I weigh more than my husband and this isn't helping my aging eggs' plight. Do I realllly want to be a Mommy Grape? Hmmmm.... ;)

Bri said...

Don't worry - you are not alone. I also weigh more than my husband. I told him I wanted to lose weight and be XXX lbs (one pound less than him) - and he says "That's less than me!". yes - that is EXACTLY THE POINT!!!!

J~mom said...

My DH and I weigh the same...but he is like 10 feet taller then me. Ok, maybe like 10 inches but stil...

Anonymous said...

I'd show him a raisin and tell him that's what happens to baby grapes when mommy grapes stop feeding and caring for them.


Melinda said...

Too funny! I know, not funny when it's happening to you, but funny to the rest of us. ;)

The Roberts' Report said...

Oh my sides hurt from laughing at that one!!

And please it's totally Jared's fault. He needs to eat some ding dongs or something =)!

I'd like to fully admit that Larry has gained some weight over the past years of sitting on his butt at school and I have finally lost some weight after the 3rd kid and NOW he weighs more than me!!! I love it!

Amy said...

Maybe James was speaking metaphorically, using grape sizes to compare how much positive influence his parents have had on him. Or maybe he thinks of you as a spiritual giant or a huge emotional support to him. If you think of it like that, you get a nice compliment and James shows a mature capability for abstract thought.

jjstringham said...

Tell me about it. Dude my husband's a twig. I know lots of girls who wore their husbands jeans when they were pregnant. I couldn't even wear his BEFORE we had kids, much less after having two. Skinny people suck.

jkrunning said...

I weigh more than my hubby too. It's okay.

Jess said...

It's those sorts of comments that keep boarding schools' enrollment filled.

Hilary said...

My thoughts went in the same direction as Amy's. I was thinking he saw you as the biggest, most important part of his life.

In any event, better he sees you as an oversized grape than a wrinkled raisin.

Mother smucker's comment just cracked me up.

Grandma said...

now now Amy...if you look at children's drawings, they often make those most important to them really big...so feel happy...now if he called you the dried grape crud in the corner of the bag..well that's different!

Kristen said...

hi amy- new to your blog thanks to P.O.M. and have to say that you are hysterical. i'd rather read your blog than read a book! reading this post, i was expecting to hear that james hucked that big momma grape right at you- that's what my 19 month-old-going-on terrible-two's daughter would've done... after which she would sweetly say "hi momma" and give me a kiss. it's amazing the tazmanian devil switcheroo they can do between terribly mean and terribly cute!

Michemily said...

Pounds, schmounds. I say you win because you got him into bed so fast.

Felicia said...

I feel your pain.

My two year old saw me get out of the shower one time when I was 8 months pregnant.

He said, "Mommy, you have a big...big... (I was expecting him to say belly)...bum."

Nice, huh?

Amy said...

Your post hit on two of the horrors of being a mommy - when cute turns brutally honest and ugly and trying to stay the "little woman" while juggling life. As always you did it with humor - love your blog!

Catherine M. said...

Just today my second daughter asked me, "Am I going to have a fluffy bottom like yours when I'm a grown up?"

My other daughter looked at my chest and said, "So are you all empty of milk now so they're going away?"

Three cheers for the real-life body! I think yours and mine are fantastic.

katieo said...

Oh I've been there!

At least he pointed out those uncomfortable little (or big) differences to you in the privacy of your home.

And not to strangers in elevators. Like my lovely offspring. (whisper-shouting: "Mama! Her tummy is SOOO fat!" That's SO COOL!")
Have you ever prayed for someone to be deaf?

Family Adventure said...

OMG! This is the funniest post I have EVER read. [Probably shouldn't be saying that] Tears were rolling down my cheeks. Hilarious. Love your boy's cuteness, but can totally see why bedtime was NOW.
- Heidi

Amber said...

That is toooo funny! My friend led me to your block - keep it up - I love to laugh.