Swass: A Detailed Explanation in Layman's Terms

December 3, 2007

In two weeks, Jared will be a chiropractor. It's been a long, long road--about eight years total--and we're both ready for next Saturday's graduation. And when we move, you'd better believe that I'm having our mail forwarded to Dr. and Mrs. Lawson. Sure, maybe it's a little pretentious, but I want people to be confused when packages get delivered to Dr. Lawson's double-wide trailer and when Dr. Lawson registers his 1989 Chevy Blazer in a new state.

You see, we have a lot of student loan debt to take care of before we can even think about considering a discussion of living the high life. And even then, I doubt it will ever happen. Jared and I both love recreation far too much--boating, skiing, rock climbing, nose picking, pie eating--we love it all. And I think we both agree that we'd rather work three-and-a-half days a week and make ends meet than work six days a week and drive a Lexus.

So we're not going to get rich off of this chiropractic thing, and that's totally fine. But you'd be totally off the mark if you think we haven't gained anything from this experience. Jared has gained the ability to use very technical sounding words and terms, and I've gained the highly-coveted ability to tune him out.

Jared will be like, "I'm stressed out. I think my patient might have a slight bulge of the L4 disc brought on by the severe calcification of the spinus process and some type of ballistic movement. We're going to have to do an MRI to rule out any spondelostethis or arthropothies, and I'm not sure that their insurance will cover it."

And I'm like, "That's nice honey."

But, for all of the technical terms that my husband throws into our lunchtime conversations, he uses a lot of less technical speak as well.

For example, "Oh Amy, I wish this weather would cool down. This swass is just killing me."

I bet you don't know what "swass" is--actually, of course you don't, it's a Lawson original. Well, let me give you a clue. The "sw" stands for sweaty, and I think you're very capable of figuring out the rest. Jared also suffers from "swalls" and "swenis" on a fairly regular basis. And being the enthusiastic professional that he is, Jared gave me a long, detailed explanation of the reason why swenis and swalls never occur independently. Apparently, they only happen together--a phenomenon that Jared likes to refer to as "the swackage."

So, if you suffer from excessive swarm-pits or sweet, please don't be afraid to discuss it with your doctor. Because chances are, she deals with her own rockin' case of swajango. Trust me, she'll totally understand.

32 comments:

Jess said...

Yet a nother term I can happily incorporate into my lexicon. Thank you.

Melinda said...

I get swoobs sometimes...

Topher said...

sw-yucky.

Hilary said...

SNORT (a swostril sound)!

Thanks for the laughs :)

Amy said...

It is actually in the urban dictionary:

Swass

On a different note...
I have volunteered you to partake in some festive prancing:

You and a few other bloggin' chicks

Anonymous said...

HAHA! Swalarious!!! But seriously the Swoobs things is on the for real. My friend and I started putting deodorant under them before our jogs at the park. I'm not proud but it helps...

P.O.M. said...

Swajango??? Love it.

I definately have swoob issues. The Captain calls me sweaty betty. So romantic.

Marcy said...

swenis? Sweet!!! Totally a word I need to incorporate into my everyday language.

chattypatra said...

Well, yesterday the temperature peaked at 81 degrees, so I totally understand why you posted on this topic. Luckily, I stayed inside the whole day (I know!). At least you won't burn in hell like me. Here's to those who are not afraid to sweat! Kudos.

J~mom said...

I am definitely going to be using these.

Cheryl said...

Thanks for the hilariousness! I was wondering when I'd be snorting milk and cookies out my nose today. Love it!

akshaye said...

haha! You should be a vocab teacher for kids!!

Charlotte said...

Swalls seem liks such a problem... but swoobs aren't so hot either. So I guess I don't really feel that bad for the men (or swen).

Anonymous said...

what is swalls? I have swarm-pits all

Anonymous said...

swhat is swajango?

Anonymous said...

I couldn't even find it in the urban dictionary.

Anonymous said...

I never get swoobs tho

Viv said...

Great words... Swoobs I totally partake of that.

Anonymous said...

what the freakng heck is swalls?!?!

Angela Sumner said...

rofl. i will definetly be dropping these new found words into conversation very soon....still rofl :)

Amy said...

seriously anonymous? what are swalls? remember swalls + swenis = swackage

And the swajango, I can understand the confusion surrounding that one. Do you know what a vajango is?!

Grandma said...

amy-someone missed a post from the summer and may need more background knowledge.....right now we have swicicles (melting ice) here so there's no swass stuck to the chair!

Thea said...

I'm pretty sure at "swass," if not many of the endless variations of "swass," will make its way into our family lexicon.

Oh, and you made me laugh out loud, which is excellent.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what the heck a vajango is. and i seriously dont know what swalls is.

Amy said...

Hilarious! So glad we have a replacement for the term my husband uses. :)

But wait! I thought Jared had conquered the swass with his deodorant trick.

Rob & Katy said...

anonymous... they are anatomical words. think about it. here's a hint: they're part of the reproductive system...

Penny said...

Sweet! (Real word meaning what you think it does:) Thanks for the sniglets. So cool.

Congrats to Jared! So happy for you guys.

jahowie said...

Congrats to Jared. Thanks for the great new words!! :-)

Anonymous said...

Oh, okay. Swalls

Sue said...

You are hilarious, love it... I'm not even going to attempt a SW joke - all the good ones have been taken already ;>

Anonymous said...

And to think I let that man adjust my swine today!

Anonymous said...

P...........U..........