The Circus Cannon

January 18, 2007

Does anyone know where I can get my hands on a cannon that’s suitable for launching 140 pound adult males? If so, just shoot me a quick email outlining the details. Thanks.

Maybe those first few lines gave it away, I really don’t know. But just in case they didn’t, let me bring you up to speed—Jared’s on my schnit list. If you’re curious about the events that led to this spousal classification, then read on my friends. Read on.

Until we settle into a place of our own, we’re living in a house that’s completely furnished. It’s a total bonus, considering the fact that the bulk of our own furniture has either come from Ikea, Target, yard sales, or generally sketchy circumstances. For example, we once bought a couch and a love seat, brand new, for five hundred dollars. We bought them from Dallas Furniture Warehouse—you know, the kind of store that had the same faded GRAND OPENING sign hanging in the front window for three and a half years.

After we paid for the furniture, we were like, “Hey. You gave us an awesome deal on this furniture. How can you sell stuff for this cheap and still make money?” The salesman stalled in answering our question as his eyes fearfully widened. Then he slowly looked over each shoulder—you know—just to make sure there weren’t any cops listening, and he was like, “I can’t tell you how we get our stuff, but if you want a deal on some coffee tables, come back next Tuesday at nine-thirty…PM.”

We went home and promptly cancelled that credit card.

Maybe the furniture was stolen, maybe not. But either way, the couch kind of sucked. It was totally squeaky, and the arm fell off of it when we moved four blocks a few years ago. We left the set in Texas with our friends Matt and Shayli—lucky dogs. And right now, if they’re reading, I’d like to let them know that we claim absolutely no responsibility for any accidents that occur as a result of using that crappily made furniture. If the couch has fleas, smells like onions, or falls to pieces when your ninety pound Grandma sits down, then take it up with John and Carl and the Dallas Furniture Warehouse, not us.

The bottom line is this…with the exception of our bed, every piece of furniture that we own stinks. So living in a nicely furnished place is riveting, captivating, exciting, and just plain awesometronic. The only problem we’ve come across so far is the bed. We’ve been reduced from our queen sized pillow top to a full-size mattress that was produced in—oh, I don’t know—1904?

It’s small, it’s cramped, and it has a divot in the middle that tends to bring the Grand Canyon to mind. And seriously folks, I don’t care if you’re thinner than a damn piece of angel hair spaghetti, a full size bed is not suitable for two grown adults—especially a full sized bed with a divot.

You see, the divot in this mattress is only large enough for one of us to land in, leaving the displaced spouse with two options: 1) Sleep on top of the spouse in the divot; or 2) Fall asleep while balancing on the uphill portion—or edge—of the bed.

Jared is a total divot hog. Last night—and every night that we’ve been here for that matter—he’s settled into the divot, staunchly refused to move, and gotten very, very angry any time I’d accidentally roll into his coveted dent. And last night, around 3:30, I rolled into his divot for the very last time. You see, I lost my balance from my perch on the edge of the bed, rolled into his sunken space, and in one sleepy motion Jared pushed me off the bed, into the air, and onto the floor.

Yes, I fell out of bed. Well no—I was pushed out of bed, and dang y’all, 150 pounds hitting wall-to-wall carpet is louder than loud.

So, this new turn of events leaves me—the displaced spouse—with two options: 1) Sleep on the couch; or 2) Get rid of Jared and officially make the divot my territory.

So seriously, does anyone know where I can get my hands on a circus cannon?

22 comments:

Laura said...

Definitely lose the spouse! A man's place is on the couch anyway! lol

Jennifer said...

Try eBay. You can find anything on there. If that fails, I agree with Laura. Banish Jared to the couch. You're the working spouse right now, anyway!! :)

Rhien Family said...

Canons don't come cheap these days... I think a california king size mattress without divots is actually a LOT cheaper... :)

Ali said...

You have my full sympathy, anyone who comes between me and my sleep and I'd be planning to launch them to.

chattypatra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chattypatra said...

Don't forget the helmet!

Bahston Beans said...

Jared would get some sweet air from one of those bad boys!

I feel safe offering Shawn's help regarding any cannon experiments - I know he'd be super into that!

Sarah said...

omg! hahah as if he pushed you off the bed!! Did he feel bad when you told him? Or was he (gasp) actually awake when he did it!?

Haha either way - you need a new mattress... bad. You could go for a temporary air mattress! Only down side there is you get cold and wake up sleeping on the floor if there's any leaks.

Bethiej said...

If you find one...can I borrow it when you're done???

Cheryl said...

Can you believe everybody used to sleep in those little double beds before the invention of queen and king size beds?!

I vote for banishing Jared to the couch. He and James can snooze in the big bed all day, while you are off at work searching for circus cannons on ebay.

Amy said...

I remember thinking before I got married that sharing a bed would be romantic. Ha ha.

Melinda said...

My mom and dad still use a full size bed, and claim it's plenty big for them. Ha! I don't get it.

Kadi, John and girls said...

You are way too funny Amy!!!! Please move to Maine soon- You guys could even stay with us amd sleep in our queen size guest bed (ha,ha,ha).

Rob & Katy said...

I vote sleep in the upstairs bedroom. Married couples sleeping in the same bed is SO last season.

Rob & Katy said...

I agree with Katy. Make Jared sleep on the tiny bed in the other room.
Rob

chirunner said...

It is sooo good to have you writing on a daily basis. Thanks for my daily yucks.

Hilary said...

Circus canon... you're blog posts are of such high caliber! ;)

Jill said...

When on vacation, we once stayed at my husband's aunt's house. We had the priveledge of sleeping on a bed very similar to the one you described, with the added bonus of the bed being on wheels, and the floor being hardwood.
Be glad you have carpet.
I suggest eating something that will give you gas. He will move to the other room on his own.

Michemily said...

Which would you rather have, a divot in your bed, or a skinny mattress that you can hang your feet off of that is sitting on a bunk bed built into the room that squeaks whenever you make the slightest move (not to mention that lights from the next-door apartment building shine in your eyes while you're sleeping)? You could come visit me in Germany and decide! No, just kidding, I sympathize. At least I've gotten (fairly) used to it and no one pushes me off the bed, because I'd fall a good 7 feet onto a wood floor. Ow.

Michemily said...

Oh, P.S. My sister's post up there--she totally popped my bubble when she and Paul told me that sleeping in my full-sized bed in Salt Lake was no fun for them. I thought it would be romantic too.

jahowie said...

I wouldn't dare make a move like that!! I'm surprised you didn't beat the crap out of him!! Good luck finding that cannon. :-)

ashley said...

I think your blog is the funniest I have ever read. Write a book and I will buy it. Until then, I plan on visiting here daily!