Perks

January 21, 2008

Guess what I’m doing today.

I’m sitting in a recliner, twirling my greyhound’s fur, eating chocolate-covered cherries, and GETTING PAID FOR IT! Can you believe that?! I’m also watching Days of Our Lives and GETTING PAID FOR IT! And—oh yeah—I’m bossing my husband around like a drill sergeant with PMS….and I’M GETTING PAID FOR IT!

I’m sure that 99% of you are also enjoying a paid day off, but in case you haven’t caught on, this current gig is the first ‘real job’ I’ve ever had, and the benefits are blowing my freaking mind. So play along, okay?

I hope you’ll excuse the boasting, but here’s a list of the employment perks that are entirely responsible for the pee running down my inner thigh:

Health insurance that is accepted by a number of reputable, licensed medical practitioners within fifty miles of my dwelling place.
Life insurance with a hefty enough payout to purchase glitter (to decorate my casket), a new resting outfit from the Gap (not from the clearance rack), and three Dunkin’ Donut (to cheer up my grieving husband).
Paid holidays.
Paid vacation days.
A flexible schedule.
Unrestricted use of the department’s hard hat.
And—get this—an employer matched, tax deferred investment plan (whatever in the hell that means).

Ok, I know what you’re thinking… “Hate to break it to you, Amy, but I get all of those benefits, too. And so does everyone else in the world.” Yes, I know. Most gown-ups work a job with a benefit or two, but this is a first for me, and I’m feeling very, very important.

After all, my last job was as a babysitter—I changed poo, broke up toddler fights, and my only benefit was unrestricted access to the contents of someone else’s refrigerator. And prior to that, I spent a few months working in a doctor’s office. We had no paid vacation, no sick time, and—believe it or not—no health coverage. We did, however, get a 25% discount on pizza from the restaurant next door, half priced vitamins, and an occasional view of the outdoors when we were instructed to wash the boss’s car. I hated that job.

I know full well that work tends to fall on the sucky side of the spectrum, but excuse me just this once, as I have a happy little question for you today—what’s your very favorite employment benefit? Do you have access to a company car? Do you have a smokin’ hot secretary? Are you encouraged to drink three vodka-tonics at every business lunch?

Go ahead and force yourself to look at the bright side, because I want to hear all about your very favorite perks.

Happy Martin Luther King Day, troops!