Lil' Miss Sunny Buns

February 25, 2008

I got my hair cut a few days ago...by a female impersonator...who specializes in Celine Dionne, Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and Barbie on roller skates.

He wasn't dressed like a woman while he cut my hair. After all, this is the off season and he prefers to save his shenanigans for the summer. In the wintertime he limits his fashion choices to insanely well fitting jeans, superbly fitted shirts, and a hair style that makes Justin Timberlake look frumpy and homeless.

I didn't know that Jonathan led a double life as a drag queen when I booked the appointment on my friend's recommendation, but if I had known, it certainly wouldn't have stopped me. If I can be totally honest, I kind of have a little bit of a "thing" for female impersonators. It's a learned appreciation that was gifted to me by my dear, sweet mother many years ago.

I have a vivid childhood memory of standing in line at the bank behind a very handsome couple dressed in floofy women's clothing. My mom gently tapped one of the gentlemen on the shoulder, and when he turned around she gingerly said, "I just have to tell you how much I love your stockings. They're really beautiful, and the details are just exquisite!" The shapely man thanked my mother, and in an instant he was strutting out of the store with a purse in one hand and a deposit slip in the other.

And thus it was born--my deep appreciation for the theatrical art of female impersonation. Strange, I know.

A few years ago, I had the fleeting idea that Jared might be entertained by drag queens, too. So in a momentary lapse of judgment I booked a babysitter, gathered a fun-loving group of friends, and attended what was in my opinion, a truly fantastic performance by three very lovely ladies. They sang Barbara Streisand songs, they danced to funky hip-hop beats, they jumped rope in platform heals, and unfortunately, one of the ladies grabbed my already shocked husband's head and forcefully nestled it into her faux, foam bosoms.

When she finally allowed Jared up for air, he looked at me with scathing eyes and sternly pronounced, "I am a Mormon boy from Pocatello, Idaho. If the shock of what just happened doesn't kill me dead, you better PROMISE to NEVER do ANYTHING like this EVER AGAIN!!!!" Then he clapped politely as Lil' Miss Sunny Buns showed the audience her frilly, purple bloomers.

As an offering of consolation, and in an effort to restore Jared's slightly damaged manhood, we watched nothing but Sylvester Stallone movies and ESPN for the next twelve weeks, and obviously we never spoke of the incident again.

The whole hairdresser being a drag queen thing just kind of came up in conversation. After all, this was my first appointment with Jonathan, and first appointment conversations tend to resemble first date conversations. Somewhere, in the middle of our idle chit chat it just came up, and in response I proceeded to ask the obvious questions:

Where do you buy high heel shoes in sizes so large? (From special mail order catalogs.)

Do you sew your own sparkles onto your dresses? (No, an elderly seamstress named Rose does that. She thinks she's making ice skating costumes.)

How do you achieve such strong, yet slender shoulders? (By using low weights and high repetitions.)

After Jonathan finished working with my hair (and I must say, he did an excellent job taming my furry madness), he politely asked if he could help me with anything else.

"Yes," I replied. "I'd like to schedule a haircut appointment for my husband."

20 comments:

akshaye said...

Hehe.. wicked.. Jared's in for a treat! You put some thought into those question, I've been for one of those acts before and was mighty entertained but I never thought about the stuff you did.

Leisha said...

Awww..95% of my family is from Pocatello. I think they would feel similarly about drag queen shows. Do report how the haircut goes with you hubby!

Hilary said...

Brilliantly funny. You outdid yourself with this one. :) Thanks for the laughs.

Grandma said...

As I recall, the applique work on those stockings was incredible...black flowers along the ankles....my personal all-time favorite(speaking of sunny buns)..was the zero cellulite Cher lookalike on the motorized scooter....black boots...short shorts and the best legs in the world!

Bahston Beans said...

Ooooh I can only wish that will happen when we visit. I would really enjoy watching Jared's haircut and snorting until I wet my pants.

Brad and Rebecca said...

hysterical. I love it!

Sarah said...

It's about time people from Pocki broadened their horizons!! Good on ya ;)

Jen said...

That is so hilarious. I once attended a Sound of Music sing-a-long in London, which (I didn't know prior to the event )was to be hosted by a female impersonator. She gave out prizes for costumes beforehand, then we watched the movie. It was rollicking good fun to watch Maria and the kids and sing along with the bouncing dot over the subtitles.

chattypatra said...

Next time, please ask Jonathan if (last night at the Oscars) John Travolta's hair looked as if it had been painted on because he wore drag in Hairspray. I'm curious if the wigs might have damaged his hair...or maybe it's been like that for a long time and I haven't noticed!

Anyway, you should casually suggest watching Hairspray before Jared goes in for his haircut.

I'd like to see a picture of yours and his haircut, please!

Rob & Katy said...

I remember that drag show... wasn't Big Bone Barbie performing? Jared was all bothered. :)

Sarah said...

Haha! Love it!

Barbaloot said...

Please tell me you're familiar with the movie 'Connie and Carla.' If not, go out and rent/buy it. You're in for a treat!

carla said...

you are leading the life I only hope to lead.

I need some sunnybuns in my life.

all I got today was suzy mcdourpants at the drycleaners.

Carla

Cheryl said...

Ditto what Hillary said... Brilliantly funny!!

WyniaFamily said...

I tagged you, because I love reading your blog! ;)

Mindy said...

Oooh, Amy, you're so wicked! ;)

Patti said...

Not sure which was funnier...your latest post or having my morning coffee in the staff room while your Mom tried to clarify what REALLY happened when she saw the guy with the beautiful stockings!!! Love your blog!!

J~Mom said...

Oohhhh I can't wait to hear more about Jared's cut!! LOL!!!!!!

David & Sammy said...

Typing LOL doesn't seem to do justice for how hard I am laughing right now...

ashley said...

You make me laugh! Are we going to see a picture of your new cut?