The Sunbeams

April 21, 2008

Jared and I have been assigned a new job at church--a new "calling" as the Mormons like to label it. In a moment of inspiration, our Branch President decided it would be a wise idea to ask the Lawsons to teach ten four-year-old children about Jesus for two hours every single Sunday. Now don't get me wrong here--children, and lessons about Jesus, and the Lawsons are all wonderful things, but when you put them all together--how can I put this lightly?--it's guaranteed to be worse than an egg fart in a stalled elevator.

When we walked into church on Sunday morning, I had a feeling that something major was going down, and sure enough my intuition was right. After the meeting, we were called into the Branch President's office, where we were ruthlessly dealt our fate--the Sunbeams class.

I've been a Sunbeams teacher in the past, and I won't mince words--those children pushed me half an inch from converting to Hinduism. And apparently--this is good--we were asked to teach the Sunbeams together because forty percent of the class has undiagnosed behavioral issues. I will teach, and my husband will work the floor as the bouncer. Awesome.

Before we had even walked out of the Branch President's office, I turned to Jared, raised my hands in a WHAT THE HECK?! position and announced, "Jared, I wish he had said, 'See that large pile of poop over there? We would like you to take this garden shovel and move it to the other side of the parking lot.' That would have been better."

When we got to the hallway, Jared was like, "Dude, you just said 'poop' in his office. What are you doing? Trying to get us fired?"

And I replied, "Yup."

And he was all, "I love you Amy."

Then I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air, bonked my head against the brick facade, launched James's backpack into a ditch, wedged myself under the wheels of someones minivan, and clearly instructed Jared to start the vehicle and reverse it over my midsection. The fool refused to do it, but my mother-in-law was like, "Oh my gosh?! The Sunbeams? I'll go find Sister Hawkins and I'll ask her for the keys."

This is the same woman who introduced me to the congregation by saying, "This is my son's wife. They have a three-year-old boy and they've been married for a week. He finally decided to make an honest woman out of her." She claims that she wanted to mix things up a bit. Welp, mission accomplished, Meredith...mission accomplished.

I managed to pull myself together during the last hour of church, and Jared and I worked together to develop a plan of attack. I will teach the lesson, and I will bribe the kids with non-church-approved movies and artificial treats. Jared on the other hand, will bounce the bad apples straight to their dads and operate the puppet. We're not exactly sure what role the puppet will play in the class--only that he's a golden retriever wearing a Santa hat, and speaks with the voice of an incontinent, disgruntled New Yorker (the only accent my husband can do).

My father-in-law says we need to repent, move forward, and be the best Sunbeams teachers we can possibly be. My mother-in-law says that we'll be fired after the first two weeks.

I'm not a betting woman, but if I were, my money would be on the Mrs.

I'll keep you posted.