I Can't Fight this Feeling Anymore

May 5, 2007

Maine is an interesting place, in that it completely lacks diversity--racial and other wise. Last I heard we were one of the whitest states in the Union, second only to Vermont. In all seriousness, the only non-white friend I've had in Maine was my lab-partner junior year. And get a load of this--you can't even find a Spanish channel in this state, but there are two French channels and a lot of NASCAR shows. Those viewing choices are mad caucasian if you ask me.

Religious diversity is also a novelty in these great North Woods. Basically you can choose between St. Andrew's Catholic Church, St. Michael's Catholic Church, or St. Mary's Catholic Church. Mormons like us are about as rare as the red-tailed-yellow-belly-sap-sucker, and I don't even know if that's a real bird.

And to top off this lack of diversity, there are only two general breeds of people in State of Maine: the yuppies and the hicks. It's not a spectrum, so there's no in between--if you live in this state, you're one or the other. You might as well choose your identity and go with it.

Having been raised in a middle-class family in a trendy Connecticut town, I like to believe that I fall into the first category. After all, I took a field trip to Europe in high school, I live in a house with lovely bay windows, and every once in a while, in the dead of the night, I'll find myself lying awake imagining how peaceful my soul would feel in the driver's seat of a BMW SUV.

Then I roll over and remember that I'm married to this man:

Not only does he drive the '89 Blazer that's currently in the shop for a fallen-off front wheel, he also wears outfits like that one. He won the hat, shirt, coaster, mug, and coordinating tote in a contest at the local fish n' game club. And whoa is me, he's strategically placed the items throughout the house in an effort to help with the decorating.

He's like, "Amy, I don't understand why we can't display this coaster in our hutch next to the crystal."

And I'm all, "Because there's a picture of an otter wearing sunglasses on it--that's why. And take that tote-bag off of the curtain rod."

Just when I think it couldn't get any worse, this little person comes waltzing around the corner:

He was on his way out the door to dig up some worms to catch some catfish. When I heard what was on the agenda, I was glad that Jared had put him in the camouflage pants--because honestly, it's important to dress the part.

As the screen door slammed behind him I was like, "Don't forget to mess your pants buddy! That's how the real hick kids do it!"

I should shred the Pottery Barn catalog, bronze a large mouth bass and take up smoking--I'm afraid my fighting is in vain.

Any other hicks out there? Got any tips for me?


Rob & Katy said...

oh my... wow. you chose to live in his land amy- remember that. i was pulling for yu to move to suburban boston.

happy moose huntin'!

akshaye said...

Cmon.. James is way better dressed than Jared. You have some hope!

VerWaynia said...

I might try fighting a little harder! Maybe a family can be half and half, or maybe hick is the new yuppie, but probably not.

And thanks for the REO Speedwagon reference, I'll be singing that all day long!

Laura said...

There is hope. Jared's pants, as well as James's, don't appear to be sagging low enough for crack.

When you get that, you are hick. No way around it.

The Roberts' Report said...

Boys just love freestuff...face it! Plus I think 1/2 of Larry's casual attire is free crap from school.
Hey, did you put your running trophey's in the hutch too?

Heather said...

RE: curtain rod... so you chose curtains? Update us, we must know.

The thing that annoys me the most about the west coast is the pre-fab identities that everyone is supposed to fall into. You pick your identity, then just like a super value menu, you pick out what job, friends, car, clothes and hangouts come with it. It's all very confining and made me feel claustrophic.

So I recommend you be a little of both -a YICK. Seriously. Do both. Defy logic!

Cheryl said...

Here's a hick tip... if they can't fix the Blazer, make sure you park it on the front lawn permanently. Makes a great lawn ornament, plus it would be a cool fort for James to play in! :-)

Heather said...

I meant what annoys me about the EAST coast. Damn fetus is eating my brain.

Amy said...

Yeah, Paul keeps trying to convince me that we NEED a full-size inflatable hot tub for the tiny cement patio behind our apartment. The advantage, he says, is that when we move into the trailer park, we can take it with us.

Grandma said...

show us your new wardrobe!

chattypatra said...

I think y'all are safe, Amy!

From the online Urban Dictionary:


Derogatory term for a someone from the country. Somewhere between a bumpkin an a redneck, though they tend to get wrongly lumped in either category. Unlike bumpkins, they are aware of the world beyond their rural setting, and probably have lived briefly in the city before returning to the quieter life they prefer. Unlike rednecks, they are generally educated, nice people who don't chastise non-religious people and aren't racist.

Loser: Yawl check out the new guy in the mail room? 'Bout time we hired us a real life redneck.

Me: I'd say he's more of a hick.

Loser: What's the difference?

Me: Yo momma.

Brad and Rebecca said...

Oh Amy- this is your funniest post. That is my brother. But i cannot be blamed for his fashion...I tried for years to dress all my brothers. I only got through to Bry...

Jill said...

You should remove all of your nice crystal from the china cabinet, and replace them with a full set of those salad bowls that say "cool whip" on the side of them.
I would also recommend a few bobble head dolls, and some commemorative plates. You also must gets yourself some of them velvet Elvis paintings.

Jessica Schessler said...

Tips? Live it up and enjoy it!

I grew up on Cobbossee (<3)
My best-friend-since-third-grade's-father is the one that came up with that otter slogan, so there!

Amy said...

Jessica--did he also come up with the picture logo of Spotter the Otter wearing people clothes? If so, my husband would like to shake his hand and I would like to have a few words with him.

Jessica Schessler said...

I'm not so sure... he may have had input into it though!

I will say he is proud of coming up with, "We otter have clean water!" though!

That's handshake-worthy in itself.

Jared said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jared said...

just to let you all know, the "we otter have clean water" coaster has been granted a permanent home on the end table next to my recliner. I had to fight tooth and nail for it but it is toataly worth it.

Jess said...

That's hilarious.

In one of literature classes, I teach a Stephen King short story that takes place in rural Maine, and my students always have a hard time picturing the setting (in part because they lack imagination, but in larger part because rural + winter + small towns = elements they can't imagine). But now, I can use your post to help illustrate. Thank you.

Bahston Beans said...

Jared - Work on your beer belly, that is sub par!

Grandma said...

yes... a rebuttal from Jared! who can't like a cute otter w/ an environmental message?!

Sue said...

Strep is eating my brain, but I had to reach out from the grave to leave you this profound comment: hee hee hee hee so funny

that is all