They Don't Float

July 7, 2008

Yesterday afternoon I was lying in the grass at our local lakefront park, pondering the meaning of life and watching the clouds roll by. Jared on the other hand, was wedged into a port-a-potty attempting to clean up James's latest mishap without the assistance of running water. Not a bad deal if I do say so myself.

Just as I was trying to decide whether a particular cloud looked more like a pony or a minivan, I was snapped back into reality by a loud and intricate string of serious swear words. I sat up, scanned the horizon for the culprit, and quickly laid eyes upon the guilty party: a teenage ghetto-hick.

In case you're unfamiliar, a ghetto-hick is a country-person who speaks, dresses, and attempts to act like an inner-city gangster. The primary difference lies in the fact that they must take routine breaks from "ballin' with da homies" to feed the goats on their grandma's farm, attend 4H meetings, and scrub their graffiti from the barn doors.

This particular ghetto-hick was about seventeen years old, wore a blingy hat that was perfectly crooked, and from what I could gather, he had just been dumped.

He was all, "Eff her that effing b-word! She's gonna drive me effing insane! I'M EFFING INSANE! Do you see me?! I'm effing losing my effing mind! Eff her. EFF HER!"

After sixty straight seconds of listening to many variations on the eff-word, I had my fill. I took a deep breath, mentally reviewed some key moves from my TaeBoShred video, and walked toward the potty mouth. I was primed to put an end to that speak, because the last thing I need is a three-year-old with an extra-spicy vernacular.

Just as I got to my feet, the perp was all, "I'M EFFING CRAZY, DUDE. SHE EFFING MADE ME EFFING INSANE!" And with that proclamation, he planted one foot on a guard rail, hurled himself into the air, smacked his head on a traffic sign, fell, landed with the guard rail up his schnuts, and rolled into the lake.

One eighth of a second later he emerged, obviously soaking wet. And without missing a beat he emptied out both high top sneakers, crookeded his hat, rung out the front of his shirt, and kept on bobbing down the sidewalk.

And just like that, the swearing stopped.

21 comments:

Emily Murdock said...

Amy, I just laughed so hard that two things happened:
1.)my children were startled and began to think that I'd gone (more) insane
2.)Diet Coke was spilled. (Let's just say "spilled" not "spat across the room.")

Best thing I've heard all day. Hands down.

Emily Murdock said...

Seriously, won't you please come visit Dallas once it cools off? For the State Fair? C'mon, you know you wanna!

Maraiya said...

I love instantaneous karma!

akshaye said...

Haha! Effing funny!

The Carrie Collection said...

I love ghetto-hicks. There's just not enough of 'em in Wichita Falls.

seven said...

Hehehehe... I may not stop laughing about this all day. Divine justice is so much funnier than retribution we inflict ourselves.

Vanilla said...

I'm glad you didn't have to take him down Billy Blanks style, but that would have made a funny story too.

littlebee said...

You have no idea how much I needed that laugh. This story is a winner. I can't wait to be back in town, go running, and drink tea! Give my love to your family.

Mindy said...

Amy, I swear... you have more than your share of funny things happen right in front of your eyes!

Hilary said...

I can't say I'm not disappointed about missing out on your conversation with him.. but still. :)

Michemily said...

No way, you are a crazy happening magnet. That is hilarious.

chattypatra said...

I think Heavenly Father reads your blog because he sure provides you with plenty of material for your posts!

Sarah said...

I swear Amy, these things really only happen to you! You really must be blessed in a very special yet very odd way :)

Cheryl said...

Oh my goodness. You are effing hilarious! :-) Not that I would ever actually SAY that word, of course!

The Roberts' Report said...

I love hicks. That must of been ONE memorable moment!! What an idiot!

Patti said...

Hysterical! My only suggestion if you could replay the scene would be to see if his back needed an adjustment after his tumble! Potential business for Jared could be anywhere!!!

Jenn S. said...

I just laughed so hard that Savvy came running into the office to see what was wrong with me.

Truth really is stranger than fiction.

Iggy Bloggit said...

whaa?? i so wish you had somehow caught that on film.

Our Little World said...

Holy crap I am still laughing...my belly hurts. Trent keeps asking, What's funny mommy, what's funny" I reply, "Amy, honey, Amy!" Holy crap that is too much. Did he really do that?

Grandma said...

1st I laughed at how you get out of changing James...then of course there's another part to the story! I guess the sign took his pain away or redirected it!

Joy Through Cooking said...

om effing gosh... ;)...

that is GREAT!