September 23, 2008
I know this is meant to be a humor blog, but sometimes there is absolutely nothing to laugh over in a given situation. You'll have to excuse me for this sharp divergence from my regular light-hearted topics, but there are only two things I know to do when I'm forced to cope with heartache--run or write.
Since I'm not allowed to run just yet, I'll do the only other thing I can....
Yesterday, Jared and I unexpectedly lost our unborn baby boy. And while I hesitate to share too many of my personal details, I will let you know that I was well into the second trimester of an uncomplicated, healthy pregnancy. My husband and I have been through more than I want to remember in the last 48 hours, and needless to say, we're both "functioning" in a shocked state of being.
I am 100% confident that I had nothing to do with the outcome of our little boy's shortened stay on Earth. I took my vitamins, I exercised regularly, I ate well. I prayed for my baby, I anticipated my baby, and I loved my baby as much as any waiting mother could.
Even though I know, through and through, that I had nothing to do with my untimely passing of my little baby boy, I'm still finding reasons to kick myself.
Why was I so reluctant to pose for belly shots? (I wish I had more tummy pictures, because in retrospect, I looked great--I never looked fat.)
Why didn't I ever take the initiative to start a baby book? (I really wish I had a sadly incomplete baby book--at least it would be something.)
Why was I so difficult and moody and hormonal? (Well, because I was pregnant. I guess it's as simple as that.)
Technically speaking--you know, by Earthly standards--I never really knew this little boy. But trust me when I tell you that this little boy knew me--his Mother--inside and out.
I was his warm, quiet & comfortable place. I was the one who gently bounced him up and down and sang him love songs as we ran together three or four times a week. I patted him. I rubbed him. And I fed him all kinds of crazy food combinations as I told him about my ridiculous meetings at work.
He knew me then, and I think he still does.
And even though I don't have the immediate chance to get to know my guy's little quirks, I know how much I love him.
And trust me....words can't do it justice.
I love you so much, baby boy! I miss you really badly.