Maine, Winter, and Boone's Farm Wine

October 28, 2008
DISCLAIMER: I'm human, and I like to talk about it.

Well guys, tonight is not shaping up to be a good night in my little corner of the world. Not only does this Tuesday mark the last evening of my beloved sewing class--but we're also expecting our first snowfall of the season.

I know what you're thinking--Amy, you live in Maine. What do you expect?

Well, I expect the global warming crisis to do a little something in my favor. That's what I expect.

But woe-is-freaking-me, it still snows in October, it's still pitch black by four o'clock in the afternoon, and despite my religious leanings, I still have to fight the urge to drink a heavy-handed Jack n' Coke with every single meal and snack.

That, my friends, is no joke--just ask Jared.

I'm the Mormon who literally salivates when we drive past a liquor store.

I'm the girl who will stop a stranger at a dinner-party and politely say, "Excuse me Ma'am, but would you mind if I took a quick sniff of that cosmopolitan you're holding?"

And, of course, I am the wife who, from the months of November through April, gets angry with my husband every single night. When he asks the inevitable question: Amy, why are you mad at me now? I give the inevitable answer: Because I STILL don't understand why we can't be Methodists. They can drink, Jared! THEY CAN DRINK ALL THEY WANT!

Oh, and just an FYI--so can Lutherans, Catholics, Congregationalists, Jews, Episcopalians, etc. And seriously guys, I would be honored to be a member of any one of those fine religions.

So. Guess what's moving in right next door to Jared's office? Seriously--just guess.

That's right, a high class martini bar.

This has made me inordinately cranky. From time to time, the owner will pop into our office and ask me a silly question like, "Hey, when you have a minute can you stop over and taste a sample of our new chocolate martini?"

And I'm like, "No Patrick, I'm sorry, I can't. But if you ever need a taste-tester for your chocolate milk, you just let me know. I do apple juice, too."

But in the end, this is all up to me. I chose not to drink--partly based on my religious convictions, and partly due to the fact that I know I'd transform myself into a public spectacle within thirty non-sober days. Just ask my college roommates.

So that's that--I will muscle my way through this winter with out so much as a swig of Sam Adams or a luscious little dribble of wine-in-a-box. It's just me, some strength from the scriptures, and a little orange bottle of anti-depressants (with three refills).

Bring it on, winter! Bring. It. On.

18 comments:

Laura said...

Definitely need the pills--just to get through the cold. Ugh!! I can't believe you left Dallas for THAT! (Not that Dallas is all that warm either, but really, how bout Houston or somewhere?)

Laura said...

Sorry, I have to finish my comment...Or New Orleans--there's a town that would keep you warm!

Southern Fried Girl said...

Oh honey please don't come down here (New Orleans). they allow peeps to walk down the street with liquor in go cups. You'd end up in jail for fighting someone to the ground for a sniff of their drink. It would not be good.

Vanilla said...

I think we need a post explaining what your college roomates would say if we asked them.

jennie w. said...

Hilarious. Especially since I could barely even gag down a wine cooler.

Mindy said...

We've all got our weaknesses, Amy! Sorry your temptation's right next door! ;)

chattypatra said...

Oh, Amy, I feel for you! If I lived next to a pastry shop or a pizzeria I'd be suffering too. Maybe you can have some Mocktinis? :)

Sarah said...

Um, I'm pretty sure God will still love you if you give in every once in a while! Maybe not college levels, but you know. . .

Minnie said...

Southern Fried Girl said it best.

In my corner of the world if you can reach the bar to put your money on it, they'll serve you.

Ali said...

I'm with Vanilla, let's hear about the college days.

Melanie J said...

I have a strange hankering for the liquor store on our corner...but that's only because they sell chocolate-covered donuts.

Mary said...

Have you ever heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)(Google it)? It sounds like what you are experiencing. I am one of the minority who gets a mild case of SAD every summer since I moved from New England to Dallas. I get grouchy and irritable and I want to be outside but I can't because it's too dang HOT. I never got into liquor since I became a Mormon in high school, but I find other ways to overindulge.

Mrs Furious said...

When the missionaries come back (for the 3rd visit... yeah that's how hot I am) this will be on my list, along with my serious need for caffeine, of reasons why I can't join the Church. I hate to break it to 'em but sometimes this momma needs a margarita.

Lindsey said...

Eventhough I haven't taken a drink, and can TOTALLY understand how DARK, COLD, LONG WINTERS could cause you to drink! FOR SURE! (Having just moved from washington) With that said, I have a room that is nice and sunny if you ever need to visit.

Cheryl said...

I'm with ya, Amy! I get seriously depressed when it starts getting dark earlier. My sister said I should maybe live in Florida instead of Maine. Not looking forward to the snow, either. Ugh.

nicole said...

Hilarious. Almost as funny was DH saying, "Aren't you happy that you aren't the only one that smells drinks?"

nicole said...

Have I mentioned yet that I'm sorry about blog stalking? Because I am. But not sorry enough to stop reading. Because you make me laugh until I snort, even on crappy days. So thanks. And when it gets too cold in Maine, you can come stay with me in Tucson. I'm crazy enough to let a (very funny and harmless looking) stranger stay in my spare bedroom.

Michemily said...

Have you told your the story of how you decided to become Mormon before? I'd like to read that. Way to go for sticking to your convictions.