Why I Hate Shrimp

March 16, 2009

A few weeks ago, as I was driving to Jared's office, I noticed a pick-up truck parked on the side of the road. There was large hand-painted sign propped on its hood that read: SHRIMP $1 lb.

"Wow," I thought. "Shrimp for a dollar a pound? That's a great deal! I'll have to stop and get some on my way back."

Now you might think it's odd to buy food off the side of the road, but in this neck of the woods it's totally, completely normal. The abnormal thing is when there's an actual human being present to accept your payment--usually you just drop your cash into an empty coffee can, verbally remind God how honest you are, and go on your way.

Since we've moved back to Maine, I've bought all kind of things out of the back of peoples' vehicles. You know...pies, biscuits, lobster, stereo speakers, blueberries, vegetables, my laptop. It's very reminiscent of yesteryear--so damn charming that I can hardly stand it.

On my way back from Jared's, I pulled into the parking lot and was met by a real life fisherman. He seemed to be my age, possibly a little bit intoxicated, and had black rubber boots that went past his knees and up to his thighs. Again, so frickin' picturesque I had to consciously stop myself from singing my order while I preformed a little softshoe.

I rolled down my window, greeted the young man and said, "So, where did the shrimp come from?"

And the fisherman said, "Ehhh, Bristol. Caught'm jus this mahnin."

"Excellent," I replied. "I'll take ten pounds." I know, I know, ten pounds probably seems a bit excessive, but 1) I had a ten dollar bill in my wallet, 2) I was extraordinarily proud of myself for supporting my local economy, and 3) I'm a Mormon--we rarely resist the urge to buy in bulk.

Three minutes later I was smiling like a goon and pulling back onto the state highway with two enormous shopping bags of shrimp. When I got home, I could barely contain myself. I hauled the drippy, muddy bags onto my kitchen table, untied the knots, and found this:
Not exactly what you buy in a convenient ziploc package at WalMart. Not only did those nasty little bastards have eyes, they also had pulses. They were wriggling all over the place.

I picked one up by the tail, examined him closer, and couldn't resist the strong and sudden urge to dry heave. He turned his ugly little head in my direction and had the nerve to touch me with his antennae. "That's it," I announced, "you're going in the garage." So I re-knotted the bag and waited for my husband to get home.

Don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing. See the black stuff in its stomach? Yeah, those are eggs.
Jared came home a few hours later and was equally nastified. In fact, if I remember correctly, he dry heaved as well. But we persevered, removed approximately 2,000 heads, and two hours later we had roughly one handful of shrimp to speak of.

I officially hate shrimp.

29 comments:

Sarah said...

we were invited to a friends for crawfish-- i hate fish, my husband loves it-- by the end of the evening he walked away saying that wasthe nastiest thing he had ever done-- the nastiest part was our friends explaining how yummy the yellow eggs were--- eeeeeew it was soooooo gross-- i can't imagine cleanning ten lbs worth of shrimp- imagine me dry heaving as i type

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachel said...

okay, I puked a little in my mouth while reading this.

Then I showed the pictures to my boys. Aah...the joys of homeschooling. It reminded me a of the book, "One Morning in Maine" except that was clams, there was a cute little blonde girl, and no dry heaving.

What did you make with them?

Brad and Rebecca said...

oh amy, that is so sick.

Rhien Family said...

eating lobster is sad too- even in Maine when it's fresh, those poor animals come out on your plate, still looking completely like an animal- and it's not so appetizing to have to rip it apart before eating it, no matter how tasty it may be after you get the thing cracked open and disected.

RazZDoodle said...

Shrimp killer.

Kara said...

At least you knew for sure that they were fresh! ... but yeah, that's pretty nasty.

Our Family said...

Gross! I prefer the frozen thaw yourself kind that are cleaned and ready to eat. I had to eat 1,000,000 shrimp on my mission heads and all. We even had to suck the brains out of the head part so we wouldn't offend anyone. Good times!

Grandma said...

ga...ross!!!! the McD filet of fish wall fish is coming to get you after you killed his friends!

Katie said...

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=60702217492&h=fh1BK&u=trJex&ref=nf

Thought of you when I saw this, to funny!

Mindy said...

Oh boy... I would've called that a wasted $10 and thrown them away! ;)

Karen said...

I agree with Mindy. I'm not sure if I could bring myself to take them all apart.

Heather of the EO said...

I can't show this to my husband because he's already certain that shrimp are the equivalent to cockroaches...just sea cockroaches, I think the saying goes.

And now I can't eat them anymore either. EW!

Miranda said...

Gross...that's all I've got to say...what a shocker when you opened the bag...sheesh! I'll take the ones from the store.

Christina said...

Holy monkey! They were still alive?!? Sick and wrong my friend. Sick and wrong.

pam said...

oooh that's nasty. . . . I'm ill. . .

Megan and Sean said...

GAG!

Jared said...

Ok everybody, it isn't that bad! It wasn't quite what I expected when I got home from the office but what the heck? They are the freshest shrimp I have ever had and they are soooo good! I think you are all just pansies. I did dry heave but I would do it again in a second for shrimp that good.

Rob said...

the whole brain thing is pretty gross.

chattypatra said...

Hey, Jared, Pansy here. I think you've been hanging out with Bear Grylls a little too much!

Amy, this story reminds me of a joke Jimmy Kimmel did a few weeks ago: "It was so cold in Maine, lobsters were asking to be boiled in water and served with butter."

I've never liked shrimp, and now I like it even less. Eww and ugh.

Morgan and Derek said...

GAG!!! EW! You poor dear.

Jes said...

Really Jared? You don't expect to be greeting by a gazillion swarming shrimp hanging out in your garage when you come home from work?

You should reexamine your expectations, I think.

And at least he was selling shrimp. I think they must be one of the better creatures to be in that situation with. Imagine if he had been selling steak.

Michemily said...

I already was anti-shrimp. But now that status has been boosted to obsessive anti-shrimp. Blech. Blech. Blech.

Michemily said...

I just ran across this scripture and had to share it with you. Ha ha.

Corinthians 10:25. "Whatsoever is sold in the ashambles, that eat, asking no question for conscience sake." Apparently "shambles" is the market, but I like to think of it as just shambles.

healthy ashley said...

I have never been so happy to be a vegetarian! Ahh!

Our Little World said...

disgusting

Kirsten said...

Hey Amy, Bristol is right where I'm from, next town over. I'm in S.Bristol! Maybe that was my brother you bought the shrimp from !!! He's a lobsterman too !

My name is Andrea said...

We bought our dog from a guy on the side of the road. Very spontaneous. Big mistake.

Those "shrimp" look like the crawfish down here, yuck.

I'm dry heaving a bit here, too.

Smarry said...

Very nice thanks for sharing your nice feelings.............


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