May 12, 2009
Last week I made the executive decision that I've been gaining weight a bit too quickly. Now you've got to understand that this wasn't a decision based purely on emotion, I actually ran the numbers. And the results? Not so pretty.
Basically, if I maintain my current rate of weight gain for the next 21 weeks of pregnancy I will ultimately come to outweigh my husband by 73 pounds, outgrow all of my maternity clothes, and have no option but to wear a 55 gallon drum and suspenders to church every Sunday.
And seriously now, what in the hell kind of shoes are you supposed to wear with a 55 gallon drum? Clogs? I don't think so.
I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT let this happen to myself.
Therefore, I have taken the initiative to change my life for the better and I've officially instituted the The Pregnancy Diet for HOTTIES! And yes, when you say it out loud, the word "HOTTIES!" should be enunciated with all sorts of pizazz. You're also encouraged to show the world your boobies...no matter what word you're saying.
This revolutionary new diet was developed in my in-house laboratory.
Yes, exactly. I made it up myself.
Over the last 4 years I've made up a number of diets, and honestly, it's been almost too much fun to handle.
First there was The Bowl Diet. Basically, I was allowed to eat anything I wanted as long as it could fit into a cereal bowl, with a 5 bowl limit per day. Let me tell you, with a little bit of drive and innovation, you'd be absolutely astonished by how many garlic & butter chicken wings fit into a bowl. I gained 6 pounds.
Then we had The Letter C Diet. In short, I could eat as much of anything I wanted as long as it started with the letter C. Take a moment and reflect on that. I gained another 6 pounds.
And then, of course there was The Low Sodium Generic V8 Dietary Supplementation Program. My most devoted readers might remember it. All you other beauties are cordially invited to click on that link up there (where you'll also learn about The Prune Diet, The Ice Water Diet, and The Jalapeno Diet).
But today, I'm not here to reflect upon past fun and failures, I'm here to forge ahead. So, without further ado, I give you The Pregnancy Diet for HOTTIES!
Step 1: Take a prenatal vitamin every day.
Step 2: Take 2 Flintstones gummy vitamins every day.
Step 3: Construct The Official Diet Chart for HOTTIES! as pictured below:
(I never said this wouldn't be technical)
Step 4: Eat whatever you want, as long as you can squeeze the description into the corresponding box. Yes, it's okay to write small. Yes, it's okay use abbreviations. No, it's absolutely never okay to write outside of the lines.*
*This is a diet you douchehead. Think hard--do you want to wear maternity jeans or the big, blue barrel we talked about? If you're not serious about this, then go get yourself a Super Value Big n' Tasty Burger with cheese, extra pickles and extra ketchup (far too long to fit inside of a box), shut yer pie hole, and be super fat. It' fine with me.
So far, by strict adherence to the plan, I've limited my weight gain to 1 pound in 2 weeks. I also managed to eat 3 whoopie pies for yesterday's afternoon snack, ingest up to 3,400 calories in a 24 hour period, and improve my overall happiness without bending a single rule.
What can I say? This plan works.