The Pregnancy Diet for HOTTIES!

May 12, 2009

Last week I made the executive decision that I've been gaining weight a bit too quickly. Now you've got to understand that this wasn't a decision based purely on emotion, I actually ran the numbers. And the results? Not so pretty.

Basically, if I maintain my current rate of weight gain for the next 21 weeks of pregnancy I will ultimately come to outweigh my husband by 73 pounds, outgrow all of my maternity clothes, and have no option but to wear a 55 gallon drum and suspenders to church every Sunday.

And seriously now, what in the hell kind of shoes are you supposed to wear with a 55 gallon drum? Clogs? I don't think so.

I cannot, I repeat, CANNOT let this happen to myself.

Therefore, I have taken the initiative to change my life for the better and I've officially instituted the The Pregnancy Diet for HOTTIES! And yes, when you say it out loud, the word "HOTTIES!" should be enunciated with all sorts of pizazz. You're also encouraged to show the world your boobies...no matter what word you're saying.

This revolutionary new diet was developed in my in-house laboratory.

Yes, exactly. I made it up myself.

Over the last 4 years I've made up a number of diets, and honestly, it's been almost too much fun to handle.

First there was The Bowl Diet. Basically, I was allowed to eat anything I wanted as long as it could fit into a cereal bowl, with a 5 bowl limit per day. Let me tell you, with a little bit of drive and innovation, you'd be absolutely astonished by how many garlic & butter chicken wings fit into a bowl. I gained 6 pounds.

Then we had The Letter C Diet. In short, I could eat as much of anything I wanted as long as it started with the letter C. Take a moment and reflect on that. I gained another 6 pounds.

And then, of course there was The Low Sodium Generic V8 Dietary Supplementation Program. My most devoted readers might remember it. All you other beauties are cordially invited to click on that link up there (where you'll also learn about The Prune Diet, The Ice Water Diet, and The Jalapeno Diet).

But today, I'm not here to reflect upon past fun and failures, I'm here to forge ahead. So, without further ado, I give you The Pregnancy Diet for HOTTIES!

Step 1: Take a prenatal vitamin every day.

Step 2: Take 2 Flintstones gummy vitamins every day.

Step 3: Construct The Official Diet Chart for HOTTIES! as pictured below:


(I never said this wouldn't be technical)

Step 4: Eat whatever you want, as long as you can squeeze the description into the corresponding box. Yes, it's okay to write small. Yes, it's okay use abbreviations. No, it's absolutely never okay to write outside of the lines.*

*This is a diet you douchehead. Think hard--do you want to wear maternity jeans or the big, blue barrel we talked about? If you're not serious about this, then go get yourself a Super Value Big n' Tasty Burger with cheese, extra pickles and extra ketchup (far too long to fit inside of a box), shut yer pie hole, and be super fat. It' fine with me.

So far, by strict adherence to the plan, I've limited my weight gain to 1 pound in 2 weeks. I also managed to eat 3 whoopie pies for yesterday's afternoon snack, ingest up to 3,400 calories in a 24 hour period, and improve my overall happiness without bending a single rule.

What can I say? This plan works.

15 comments:

Karen said...

But can I use this diet if I am NOT pregnant? I repeat....I am NOT pregnant! I just look like I am. And can you tell me where I can buy one of those nifty barrels?

Christina said...

Lol, I gained 45 pounds with my last baby! My Dr. was so mad at me! I think around 5 months he told me I couldn't gain anymore weight....yeah ok! (I'm getting a new Dr for the next one by the way) Anyways, if you plan to nurse, I'd say gain all you want! That's how I lost my post baby weight! My little one is 7 months old and I weigh 5 pound less than I did when I found out I was pregnant! Combine that with all the exercise that you do already and I'd say you can eat what you want! Preggo diet be darned! (Just keep up with those prenatals!)

Lauren said...

I think you could fit "whole cheesecake" in one of those snack squares.

What if you upholster the barrel with some pretty thrift store sheets? Then you could probably get away with some matching sandals. Or just go barefoot. Being pregnant is the number one reason to go barefoot around here.

Good luck with the diet.

V and Co. said...

i'm still laughing over "you douchhead" i love that word. i could say douch all day long! maybe i will.

Rhien Family said...

when I was little, I thought that sugar and salt equalized each other out. So, my thinking was that if you ate a pound of lemon-heads, you just simply needed to eat a pound of pretzels to help neutralize the sugar. Dieting disaster solved. Too bad that ended up not being true.

Another failed thought process came when I thought that maybe eating lots of excessively greasy foods may actually help to grease the insides of my stomach and intestines to help the fat just slip right out of me. This seemed to be my biggest failure.

V and Co. said...

but it would be better if i KNEW how to spell it. i'm a douche.

dcfullest said...

I don't know your insurance situation, but mine covers prescription prenatals. I take Select-OBs which taste exactly like Flintstone kids vitamins (the old-school kind, not the gummy kind). I like them a little too much.

Grandma said...

If you use chart paper instead of copier paper, you'll have plenty of room to write:)

X-Country2 said...

I love Pregnant Amy. LOVE!

Our Little World said...

I can totally do this plan! Thank you for the tips!

Cecily said...

I want to use the diet even if I'm not pregnant!! This whole weighwatchers and gym attendence isn't nearly as much as that!!! i can fit Buffalo Wild Wings into those lines even if i get a wrap, wings and buffalo chips!!! I gained 60 with my daugter and finally have lost 81.5 of it, but I like your way better!!!

jh said...

Great and funny as hell. Just focus on eating healthy and know that your weight gain will slow down. Keep exercising. And cograts!

Jen Boda
Boda Weight Loss Blog

Heathermomster said...

I cut my cals by drinking water w/lemon at dinner and skipping the margaritas...As you are pregnant, my method would be great for you...hc

Smarry said...

Very nice article thanks for the sharing,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

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