Jared and the Hairy Eyeball

June 18, 2009
(photo courtesy of James)

If you've ever met my husband in person, you know full well that he has some of the largest eyes in the history of all mankind. If his head weighs approximately eight pounds (which according to Google, it does), then I'd have to estimate that his eyeballs alone account for forty-eight ounces of that mass.

What you might not know is that Jared possesses the unique and deplorable ability to throw some incredibly hairy eyeballs with those suckers.

Seriously, if there was some sort of a local hairy eyeball competition in our region, I'd sign Jared up in a heartbeat. You know, I might even spend the prize money before he won it--that's how confident I am in his ability to dominate such an event.

I don't know why, but this morning my husband was in a particularly sensitive mood. Jared's famous expressions were being thrown around like candy from a parade float, and finally, when he had tossed out one too many 'I wonder how far I could toss you' looks, I was like, "USE YOUR WORDS, MAN! USE YOUR WORDS!"

Far be it from me to leave you starving for any details of our personal, marital business--so, without further ado, here is a three act play to recaps a few of this morning's fine interactions:

Jared and the Hairy Eyeball
by Amy B. Lawson


Setting: 5:30am, in bed.

AMY: Good morning, Jared!
JARED: Marrying you was the worst mistake I have ever made in my life. You, Amy Lawson, are my Everest. [said silently with his eyes]


Setting: Jared is taking a shower while Amy is brushing her teeth.

AMY: I need to get some cash so I can pay the babysitter today.
JARED: Why are you getting a babysitter again?
AMY: So I can go to an afternoon meeting.
JARED: How much do you pay her, anyway?
AMY: I pay her $6.50 an hour...half of her age.
JARED: [craning his neck from behind the shower curtain like an angry turtle in heat] That peasant deserves no more than a package of Ramen Noodles and the change in my back pocket! [said silently with his eyes]
AMY: That's what I pay her, Jared. You have to deal with it.
JARED: I wonder where I can bury you in our yard. [said silently with his eyes]


Setting: Amy is handing Jared his lunch in the kitchen.

JARED: Did you pack leftover pasta for my lunch?
AMY: Yup.
JARED: You know I don't have a microwave in my office, Amy.
AMY: So eat it cold. I promise that you won't die from unhappiness.
JARED: My spirit died from unhappiness the moment I said 'I do.' [said silently with his eyes]

--The End--

I hope you enjoyed my play. If the three act version is an off-Broadway hit, I'm hoping for an offer to produce the eighteen-act version. Trust me, I have more than enough material. And it's all from this morning.


amylouwho said...

you make me laugh, every. single. time.

Sarah said...

Since I found your blog a few days ago, I make sure to hit it every morning before work; it always makes me laugh and commiserate in some way... You have a great sense of humor and a great way with words!

Jimmy said...

Seriously Amy, you're genius. I am busting up at "where can I bury you in our yard" and "I promise that you won't die from unhappiness." Thank you!

Vanilla said...

I need to learn to be more expressive with my eyes.

jennie w. said...

We had a similar morning. But I'm married to a talkative martyr. Believe me, you'd rather have the hairy eyeball than a 10 minute lecture about his lack of clean underwear. And when said underwear was produced from the laundry room he icily informed me that he was already wearing his dirty underwear from yesterday--that'll show me!

Amy said...

You might be able to sell the film rights, but it'd be difficult to find an actor for Jared's part. He might have to play the part himself.

DeNae said...

If you're going Broadway, aim for a musical. The eyeball choreography alone would be worth the price of admission.

Amateur Steph said...

I'm with DeNae, a hairy eyeball musical!
This was a hilarious play--my favorite lines: "craning his neck from behind the shower curtain like an angry turtle in heat" and "You, Amy Lawson, are my Everest. [said silently with his eyes]"

Christina said...

Hilarious! I have been known to give a few hairy eyeball looks myself. My hubby tries to say that he is immune. Tell you what though; I walked into the living room the other night while brushing my teeth because it was about 10 minutes past the 5 minutes my hubby "needed" to finish watching his tv show and I gave him a "get up off your butt right this second because it is sooo past 5 minutes you big dorkface and you come to bed right now or else look." And you know what, he turned of the tv and came to bed. I never said a word. Immune? Ha. He wishes.

Jared said...

Thank you so much for putting such a flattering picture of me up.

Cheryl said...

I love your uncanny ability to read between the lines of Jared's Hairy Eyeball looks!

Erin said...

Your blog might seriously be the funniest thing ever....keep it coming!

Michemily said...

Ouch. That last one hurts! But Amy's right about getting Jared to play his own role. But it might turn into the classic Kramer-trying-out-for-Kramer thing.

chattypatra said...

Amy! I just nominated this post for 'Post of the Week" because it made me laugh so much. I hope you win!!!

Anonymous said...

"my spirit died from unhappiness the moment I said 'I do'." bwah!!! hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much very nice article...........

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