Pregnancy Sass

June 29, 2009

For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I've become a head turner--double takes, triple takes, eyes the size of dinner plates, I get them all.

And it's probably not because I'm hot.

I personally think it has a lot more to do with the fact that lately I've preferred to exercise in the broad daylight, in a bright yellow volunteer t-shirt, that somehow makes me look pregnant in my ass and in my tea kettle.

Couple that with my very shiny spandex pants, and folks, I've become the stuff that highly disturbing dreams are made of.

Just this past weekend, after my run, when I was still in my skin tight get up, James told our neighbor that, "My Mom might have twins. Dat means two babies. She got one in her tummy and maybe one in her bum."

Thank you, James. Thank you so, so much.

Prior to this pregnancy, I wondered, on an almost daily basis, why so many larger-sized people seem to love to wear spandex pants. Now my friends, I completely understand. It's not about the love--it's comfortable, it fits, now shut your mouth and get out of my way or I'll eat you faster than a peanut butter cup.

That's why.

I think it's funny when strangers stop my on the street to say things like, "Look at you exercising! You're so cute!" I just keep plodding along and I'm like, "Cute? I'm not so cute, I'm so hungry. And so full of pee. But thank you. Have a nice day."

Last night, I had a very different reaction from a very strange stranger. She was moping along in the rain, smelling like booze, letting her puppy poop all over the middle of the sidewalk (my pet peeve beyond all pet peeves). As I approached her, I stepped off the sidewalk to run on the shoulder of the road--partly to be polite, and mostly to avoid a run in with the dog doo.

When we were almost shoulder to shoulder, I offered a casual smile and she offered me the following comment: "You're gonna shake your baby and give it brain damage from runnin' like that."

I was confused and honestly thought I'd heard wrong, so I stopped, removed my earbuds and said, "I'm sorry, what?"

"You're givin' your baby brain damage from that."

"From what," I snottily demanded.

"From running," she said.

"Oh my word," I replied back, "I didn't realize that. Are you an obstetrician," I asked?

"No."

"A pediatrician," I offered?

"No."

"A child development expert?"

"No," she replied.

"So I guess that means you're just super opinionated," I confirmed?

Silence.

"Geesh," I said, "You know? I'm not even pregnant. Show how much you know." (I threw it out there for dramatic effect)

She eyed me up and down, found that be very confusing, huffed, and kept on walking.

That line--the "I'm not even pregnant" line?--hasn't failed me yet, and honestly, I never expect that it will.

Today I'm feeling slightly to moderately guilt ridden for being such a sassy mouth to a total and complete stranger. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe she had just worked a double, dropped her paycheck in the mud, and had her hat stolen by an angry bird. I guess I'll never know.

I'm sorry random lady.

27 comments:

Mylestones said...

I'm so applauding you and your pregnant arss! Random lady had it COMING. Glad you silenced her & the sidewalk-poopy-dog with your quick wit.

Amber Lynae said...

You are my hero. Except for the apologizing part. You have nothing to apologize for she definitely overstepped. But the spandex and the sassiness give you an A++ in my book. I hope to be just like you today.

Michemily said...

Reminds me of the time my sister worked at a store with used maternity clothes, and her coworker asked a lady when she was due, since she looked like she could have a baby at any time. The lady turned to her and said, "Oh, I'm not pregnant, I just like the way these clothes fit." No employee ever asked about due dates again. Ouch.

John said...

Don't be sorry. Socially incompetent people should be told how it is more often. Thanks for the laugh.

carrie said...

The thing I love about reading your blog is that you actually say the things I would wish I had said an hour later...because it takes me that long to figure out my comeback!

JAMIE said...

She totally deserved that one. I am so impressed that you had the split second wit and balls to follow through with it at the very moment you did! I think I will hereby consider you my pregnant lady mascot/hero! LOL :)

You are still running, I'm pretty sure that means you are going to help your breasts plunge further with gravity....;) Consider that my expert opinion. heh

k said...

Awesome.

I think that's the only word that I can use to adequately sum up how I feel about your interaction with the non pooper-scooper.

Amy said...

Some people say the weirdest things to pregnant women. Sometimes I want to say, "Actually, the only thing you really know about me is that I had unprotected sex about 6 or 7 months ago."

Jillybean said...

You are my hero.

My best pregnancy related comeback line is when someone asks me when I'm due I say "Just over FOUR YEARS AGO!"

That usually shuts them up.

onelittletrigirl said...

She totally deserved that response.

There is a mother at my work...always telling us what we are doing wrong in every aspect of our lives; mostly though, she has tons of (unsolicited)advice for other mothers, and she gives it while smoking a cigarette with her baby in her arms. Right!

Lauren said...

People are so weird. My friend says people come up to her and her baby all the time and say things like, "Your baby should be wearing socks."

Mindy said...

I love you. :) Thanks for making me laugh and brightening my day every time you post.

pam said...

haha, the worst I had was when a lady came over to me, pointed at my bloated abdomen and said, "Is THAT twins?" I totally wish I had the prego sass goin' on then. I just shrunk away and cried when I got home. so lame :)

X-Country2 said...

Oh, don't you dare apologize to Random Lady! She deserved every letter of your sass. I hope you run into her again. :o)

Amber Lynae said...

I wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for an award.

seven said...

Haha... that's hilarious.

And I say just go for it, neon yellow shirt and all. Do like this lady and walk with sass: http://vimeo.com/3262784

Reluctant Runner said...

You probably DO look hot and random lady was just jealous!

I think your response was entirely justified.

Making time to do more than cleaning a house and two boys said...

That was totally awesome. You are my hero for being sassy and running to boot. Totally funny and I will read it again later just to laugh some more. Thanks for that on a Monday!

Grandma said...

you said what the dog's been wanting to for a long time.

Erin said...

Totally cool! Random lady needed to learn to mind her own beeswax and you reminded her of this in the appropriate manner...perhaps minus the slight "non-prego falsehood" but who's keeping track!

miss petite america said...

eh, don't be sorry. she was a mean old hag who should just mind her business.

Melanie said...

I'm not sure I've ever commented before but this was SO comment worthy.
Awesome response! I really wish I had the guts and the wit to think on my feet like that when people are overly opinionated and rude. Hats off to you.

V and Co. said...

why'd you have to be so mean to my mom?

Kim said...

You have every right to be sassy when you're pregnant. I always looked huge no matter what. I'd be only 7 1/2 months and people would walk up and say, "WAS YOUR BABY DUE YESTERDAY?" And before I was pregnant, I would get asked by strangers if I was, thanks to the way I carry all my weight in my belly. Just goes to show that if you're pregnant or if you have kids people think they can say whatever they want to you. Way to go on your comeback. I'm so impressed.

Omgirl said...

Hahaha...I love you.

Now I sound creepy. But I'm not. Just appreciative.

Team O'Connor said...

A. I love pregnant sass B. I am a closet spandex short wearer (I wear them under shorts or skirts since my chubby thighs like to chaffe C. I'll only be in Maine for 3 days. It's part of our 2 week East Coast trip to a million different bases to check their medical equipment. We'll be in Bangor and South Portland.

Smarry said...

I just like the way these clothes fit." No employee ever asked about due dates again.

___________________
Smarry
The only Satellite Television Delivers the Best Value in Entertainment