Maybe the Worst Run Ever

March 14, 2011

I had the absolute worst run in the history of the planet Earth yesterday. Instead of trying to recreate the scene, I'll just cut and paste my running log entry from The Daily Mile:

The world would be a better place if this run had never happened.

Let's really break this one down here....



Sometime around 2 o'clock, I decided it was time to venture out for a long run. Since I didn't preplan so well, I didn't have the chance to stash any water along the route. Therefore, I decided to carry my water with me. Not being able to find a handheld water bottle or my camelback bladder, I did the next best thing and opted for a baby bottle. With Winnie the Pooh on the side. And the big old nipple thing that was clearly big enough for cars to see as I got not one, but two honks and cheers from cars filled with teenage boys.


My bottle and me, we felt sluggish today, so I opted not to look at my Garmin until mile 10. It confirmed that yes, I kind of suck.


Somewhere around mile 11, I had the quick and hard urge to take a poo. Let me just tell you that there is a 0% chance of pooping in the woods during the winter in Maine and maintaining one's dignity. Since there's absolutely no leaf coverage, I opted for the 'WHY THE HELL NOT?!' route, dropped trou, and took a poo right next to the lake near a big drainage ditch thing.


I pooped all over the back of my pants.


Then my foot slipped off a little rock pile and into the lake.


At mile 14.5 I got thritsy and finished off my baby bottle.


At mile 15 I thought I was about to die of dehydration. I found the only clean patch of snow I could, and started packing it into my Pooh baby bottle. A nice family was getting out of their minivan and saw the whole thing.

They also saw me stick the bottle between my boobs to try and melt the snow.


It melted, I drank it, and I've been sitting on the toilet for three hours straight.


I really could have used some contact from and SOL in a SBC* today.


The End.


*SOL in a SBC = Super Old Lady in a Super Big Car
 
I've got to say that peoples' comments have been the funniest part of this entry. People are saying things like, "Way to finish it up!" and "Wow, so committed to your running!"
 
Uh, no.
 
I didn't run around with poop on my pants because I'm devoted to the sport, I ran around with poop on the back of pants because it was the only way home. Since I hadn't brought my cell phone, I had three options:
 
1) Knock on a stranger's door, ask for a ride, and poo up the interior of their car.
 
2) Knock on a stranger's door, ask to use their phone, and poo up their couch upholstery while I waited my sympathy ride from Jared.
 
3) Run home and don't poo up anything that doesn't belong to me.
 
Even in my world, the third option was the only option. This was desperation, not devotion--very different concepts you guys.
 
So tell me, do any of you have running horror stories? If you do, can you give me the abridged version in the comments, or a link? Something? Anything?
 
Top me. Please.

28 comments:

Running in Alabama said...

If I could top you I would. Can't. You own it, baby!

Shelby Lou said...

Dude. That is horror in it's finest. Oh my hell. Umm.. nothing to top you, I had to stop and walk during my 3 mile quick run because I almost shat my pants. BUT alas, I did not.

Sorry but you hold the title as of now.

Southern Fried Girl said...

Yeah, I'm going to need to email my toppers because no, I'm not putting them on the interwebz. Shall do shortly.

Laura said...

Never anything quite that bad, but I've wet my pants and had to keep running for the same reason...

You win.

The Kyles said...

You and I share an affinity for crazy poop stories. I have several on my blog here: www.kylecompany.blogspot.com and I'll email you THE WORST POOP STORY EVER. If you promise not to repost it.

Joy Through Cooking said...

I know that people might say things like "I nearly sh-- myself when I saw the hills at Wickham" but I really have done that. A couple times... I cant remember if it was a "kick* up the hill to the finish loss of control" or an "omg the race is over in the shoot loss of control." Either way, I packed the plastic grocery bag I always brought to races (for sweaty clothes) with some nastiness. And in college made SURE that I was totally 100% empty before any race. That would be a whole nother level of embarressment in the collegiate butt-huggers.

*and I say kick ironically. I have no kick, never have likely never will.

Mindy said...

Okay, I totally agree that option #3 is the best, because my story involves not following that oh-so-smart thinking. I might have told you this one before. If I have, I'm sorry... but it should still make you feel better.

So, I'm about a mile from home... but oh, that mile was going to be too much. I had to poop. I knew if I had to go one mile more, I wouldn't make it. So, I knocked on the door of an acquaintance to ask if I could use their potty. Unfortunately they only had ONE bathroom and her husband was in the shower. She said she'd get him out of the shower. I begged, pleaded, cried, NO! I'll be FINE! Don't WORRY ABOUT IT. But no, the damage was done. She was going to get her hubby out of the shower no matter what I said. So, I had to go... I was forced to poop in the toilet in the one bathroom where the hubby was going to go RIGHT BACK IN to finish his shower when I was done. It was mortifying. Horrendous. I wish that I had just crapped my pants and ran home. It would've been so much better.

jjstringham said...

This is not my story, because I don't like to torture myself by running, but a friend of mine posted his hilarious running/poop story not long ago.

http://www.joshweed.com/2011/02/morning-run.html?spref=fb

Pam said...

Sorry. I got nothing that even remotely compares to this.

Morgan -Ing said...

Oh nothing compares to that. I did however break my own damn ankle on a run once, when I was 18. I was a mile from my house. I tripped, on the crack in the sidewalk. A nice man in a truck saw it happen and asked if I needed a ride home. I said, "No, I'm fine!" I mean, what if he'd been a rapist? Then I walked home, a mile, on a broken ankle, saying (loudly) "SH!T" every time I took a step. I got home and collapsed in a sobbing heap. My poor mother. I nearly gave her a heart attack.

funderson said...

yeah...you win...sorry

Amy said...

Certainly not as entertaining as your run, but on my run yesterday (5 miles on the treadmill), I stopped no less than 50 times to feed my 3 month old, change her diaper (more on that later), and give her her pacifier back (why did I ever start that really bad habit???)

As for the diaper, I made a rookie-new-parent mistake and swept her up out of the bouncy seat, putting my hands on her rear-end, when I smelled the putrid smell coming from her behind (how can something so cute smell so dang bad????)...yeah, now I know - poop comes out the back of their diapers...not only was it all over her, her clothes, and the bouncy seat - now it was all over my hands. Being the avid runner that I am (ha), I sucked it up...cleaned her up quickly, laid her (in a diaper only) on the non-tainted blanket she was covered up in, ran some hand sanitizer over my hands, and got back on the treadmill. My husband would have had a duck if he knew that I didn't run her straight up to the bath tub to get said poo off of her and me....he's a germ-a-phobe like that.

So, not quite as good as adult-poop on my pants but funny nonetheless.

Charlotte said...

First of all, anyone who can run 10 miles at all doesn't suck. period.

Second of all, I'm LMAO. I can't top you, but I HAVE pooped next to a lake on a long run. And I've had to finish a run (or 7) with pee on my pants.

The baby bottle is just such a stellar twist that I think you'll hold the title for a while longer...

Amy said...

Melting the snow between your boobs is a great idea.

Karen said...

I can't even begin to tell you how hard I'm laughing!

Marc and Megan said...

You seriously take the cake with this one, Amy! And, yes, I'm all about arranging the dating life of my boys... Maggie has officially been added to both their lists, just to be safe. :)

Tanya Gough said...

You definitely take the trophy on this one . . . but you're totally awesome for it.

The only embarrassing run I've had was when I went to my gym for the first time in an exhausted stupor. I put my bag down to take off my coat and realized that, in my fitted cotton t-shirt, I had forgotten to wear a bra. The gym was crowded and I saw the glances of those within my five foot radius.

I was so annoyed that I put my outer wear back on ran anyway.

Grandma said...

the only part that surprises your mother is that you found your watch?

Blaine said...

Best I can do is link you to when a buddy and I about froze to death while running. Funny thing is I plan on running this route again next weekend..

http://anotherdayanotherrun.blogspot.com/2010/03/runner-pops.html

FinnyKnits said...

My Worst Run Ever didn't involve poo, so I don't think I can top your story, but I did almost die and then watch all the Indiana Jones movies while sucking luke warm water from a curly straw, so there's that.

http://finnyknits.blogspot.com/2008/06/running-update-i-do-try-not-to-die.html

McKenna said...

It would have been even funnier if the poop had been runs. Then it would have really been the worst RUN experience ever.

Sorry, our household has a love of poop stories and really enjoyed this. :-)

LAPT said...

Everything about this makes me laugh. This is totally something that could happen to me.

Loralei Marr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melissa said...

LOL! You are absolutely the funniest, most honest blogger out there!

No way I can top that, mostly because the only time I run is during a commercial, and the run is to the refrigerator.

Melissa

Bootchez said...

Oh, pull up a damn chair. Peed myself in a Chinese restaurant. Peed myself outside a movie theater. (Mind you, neither of these was just "a little spot of pee" -- far from it. Peed myself in ______. Had surgery and mostly stopped peeing myself! Since then -- caught by a guy in a pick up truck peeing just about in the middle of (an admittedly very remote) dirt road in the midst of a run. The other day I fell over in the snow while peeing. Oh, pee doesn't count? Ok. Trailside poo in my very first running race. Not too far from the trail, either. Caught by a guy, pooing in a 20 foot wide canyon (during a marathon). Yeah, 20 feet. Unknowingly leaving a post-run poo stain on our white comforter. I could go on and on. Need I say more? Seriously, honey, anytime you're feeling embarrassed just stop on over my blog to find out what real humility is all about. I'm there for ya!

Tara said...

stories about poop always make me laugh. This story made me laugh so hard I..... cried:) And I REALLY needed a good laugh today. Thanks for sharing ;)

Kirsty said...

Ok no. I got nothing. You win. You so win.
On another note, not being as hard-core running right through my pregnancy like you, I stopped running a few months ago in favour of the non-pelvis-slamming elliptical.

I am having my baby-probably tomorrow and the post-partum part I look forward to the least? My first post-baby long run. Or short run. Or jog. Or shuffle. It's going to suck. I know this to be true. But now you have changed my perspective entirely. Every time I come home having not pooped myself I will feel ahead of the game.

Katie N Garrett said...

I have recently had multiple runs (including last night) where I've had to stop and squeeze cheeks to keep it from coming out. Once a few years ago I had been particularly gassy throughout my run. About a mile from home I exploded with more than gas. My husband had asked me to be home within an hour, but when I got home he came out and told me dinner wasn't ready so I could go out longer. I looked at him, told him I couldn't, and waddled up to the bathroom. That was the day I discovered that too many raisins is a bad thing.