Wardrobe Change

You know what's funny about being a public-sector development consultant and a fitness trainer? The uniforms are totally different.

For one job, it's all about the flattering trousers and blouses from the clearance rack at TJ Maxx. For the other job, it's all about full body spandex from the clearance rack at TJ Maxx. Same store, very different looks. And I don't know if you know this, but spandex is a ridiculous b*&^% to put on and take off.

Most days, I'm doing some form of both jobs. Like yesterday, it went like this:

6am-10am: Personal Train 4 people
10:15am-2:15pm: Consult about a bridge project
4pm-5pm: Train an office full of financial advisors
6pm-8pm: Annual Meeting for consulting job

And somewhere in between all that, I was picking up kids, dropping off kids, leaving kids crying on city curbs, getting parking tickets, and eating 3 chocolate chip cookies the size of my face.

Right now my life is like a puzzle with wrinkles and zits. I mean really, is this middle school or middle age? Don't even get me started about zits popping up IN wrinkles because I swear I will cut Mother Nature--I'll cut her with a knife.

So my schedule. It requires all kinds of quick wardrobe changes, and much like SuperMan, I've taken to layering up and ripping off suits in very public places.

A typical outfit is a sports bra, spandex shorts, and a solid colored tee-shirt as the base layer. Black trouser pants, a black suit jacket, and pearls are the preferred over layer--very awkward when a Nike swoosh peeks out near the lapel, but hey, STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS!

Runnning shoes and ballet flats. One pair on my feet, the other in my purse. Always barefoot. Yes, it's stinky--but it expedites the switcharoo. And that's the first priority right now--switcharoo expiditation.

So yesterday, as I previously mentioned, I had my annual meeting for the day job. I did a quick wardrobe change in the front seat of my car and walked into the restuarant banquet room with 1 minute to spare. I looked good, I smelled kind of bad, and dang it felt like I had a load in my pants.

But I was late. They funneled me straight to the presenter's podium--no time to investigate.

When I finished my presentation and went back to my chair, my sitting felt kind of lumpy. Well, very lumpy--like maybe I was sitting on a rumpled up cloth napkin. But I wasn't, I checked.

Finally, after the 2 hour meeting wrapped up, I waddled out to my car like Maggie (you know--a toddler with a diaper hanging down to their knees because their mother belongs to a church called The Church of I'll Only Change You for a Poop). There, I was met by a very chatty woman. Who only likes to chat about work related issues. And I had a TV waiting for me at home. You know how this goes.

Only 2 minutes into the chat, I kept picturing myself punching her in the face. I played out the scene through like a slo-mo movie, then like a loony toon, and then like I was Jackie Chan--actually opting to round house kick her in the face rather than a plain old punch.

Finally, when I could stand no more, I lost my judgement. I reached my hand down my pants, pulled out the culprit--a single brown sock, looked her right in the eye and asked, "Do you ever find stray socks in your underpants? I JUST did!" Then I held it up so she could see.

She did that awkward howamisupposedtolaughrightnow laugh, excused herself and drove away.

And I finally got home to my dear, sweet TV.

Then I wore pajamas.


Karen said...

OMG! So funny! It's even funnier when a stray pair of panties fuses itself to the inside leg of your trousers, then breaks free just as you're walking across a public place. The good news is....that lady will never stop to talk with you again.

Team O'Connor said...

Hahahah. I have never had a sock in my underwear. I love your conversation escape methods. One day I will dare to pull an A. Lawson. Please don't leave your blog again. I'm not as faithful as I used to be, but I love reading other people's blogs and I check everyday!

Mindy said...

I'VE MISSED YOU! Not many other blogs make me snicker out loud. I am wondering how you got a sock in your undies when you don't wear socks (expedited changing strategy)...

Diana said...

Glad to see you back posting. I missed you (and am glad your socks aren't here).

Laura@Run_Eat_Date said...

Welcome back! I think a lot of us missed you! Hope you find the match to that sock!

Heather said...

Totally missed you posting! So hilarious. Glad you're back. :)

Nicole said...

I'm so glad you're back! I've missed your humor :)

And I can totally relate to the wanting to drop kick someone because they won't stop talking work and you're dying to get away!

Sarah said...

Oh how I've missed your posts here! So glad some other priority in your life is currently being overlooked right now so that I can have a great laugh!

jed-laura said...

yes- explain to us how you got a sock in your pants... when you aren't even wearing socks? I had a pair of underwear once fall out of my trouser leg... really odd story- similar reasons. It was a quick wardrobe change, which I guess had a pair of superfluous underwear stuck inside the legs of the pants.. I was too much in a hurry to notice until about 25 minutes later when I stood up, and whadayaknow.... underwear.... on the ground. So glad nobody saw my experience.

Kevin said...

While I enjoy reading your other stuff, you just can't beat Lawsons did Dallas. I think I have laughed out loud more reading your blog than all combined.

LMW said...


And ditto to everyone else! This lurker is glad that your back.

Michelle Glauser said...

Yeah, that happened to me once, but it was underwear. I think. It might have been a dream.

Amy said...

Love it. Glad you posted.

Anonymous said...

And this is why you crack me up!! Love it and missed it!