January 31, 2011
If you want to laugh until your guts fall out, the solution is very simple. Just search the term "ski lift" on YouTube.
Here are two of my most beloved clips:
(if you squint really hard, I think you can see some schnuts)
Happy Monday!
Happy! Happy! Happy! Mormon Housewives
January 28, 2010
My response to this article.
If you're Mormon, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about when I write the phrase, "Relief Society Voice." For those of you who aren't Mormon, let me explain.
Twice a year, the LDS Church holds it's semi-annual General Conference. Basically, the leaders of the church, men and women alike, give talks to members all over the world from the Conference Center in Salt Lake City. The talks are broadcast on the internet, on television (even on basic cable in Maine), on the radio, and everyone is encouraged to listen to each of the four two-hour sessions.
The female speakers, who tend to hail from the West, all seem to have the exact same sing-songy voice, or as it's commonly coined, "Relief Society Voice." Even my father-in-law, who is the Momonest Mormon in the whole entire universe, can sometimes be seen quietly excusing himself from the room when the "Relief Society Voice" comes on. It's a great time to refill your bowl of peanuts.
Now don't get me wrong, the talks given by the women are usually the best talks of them all. But the voices, ohhhhh the voices, are not so easy to swallow. Usually, I end up reading their talks after the fact because I love the content, I just don't love to listen to them. They're deep and insightful and lots of times they make me cry--but only when I take 'em in through the church magazine. The audio brings me to tears in an entirely different way.
There's this particular talk called "Hold On" by Ann M. Dibb that's become one of my favorites. I've used it over and over and over in Sunday School lessons and Seminary because the message is completely powerful, but hoo boy, it's a perfect example of this phenomenon.
As reluctant as I feel to do this (because it's a great talk, she's an amazing woman, and I don't want people making fun of someone who's trying her damnedest to make the world a much better place), here's the link to the talk on Youtube. You only have to watch the first minute to see how cheerful! Sister! Dibb! is! as she describes a completely tragic accident.
I'm sure she was nervous, and in the end her talk has a positive, encouraging message. But the tone and the voice is really kind of strange.
And really kind of normal for middle-aged Mormon women.
You don't hear it so much in Maine, but you hear it a lot when visitors come from out West, and I heard a whole mess of it in Texas. Enough to last me a lifetime. Also enough to lead me down the path of swearing.
But this voice, this Relief Society Voice (by the way, Relief Society is the name of the women's organization of the LDS Church), never ever comes out of the mouth of a thirty-something female Mormon. The voices is saved for women who are forty and up--and probably more like fifty and up.
So what happened to the Relief Society Voice? Where did it go? Why has my generation failed to carry it on? It's a well-known fact that that energy can't be created or destroyed--and this voices appears to take a hell of a lot of energy--so really now, where has this energy gone?
Clearly, the voice has morphed, and it's taken on the form of the current day Mormon Mommy Blog.
You might know what I'm talking about. They have three or four kids, they haven't hit thirty, they're beautiful, and they bake. Considering all these factors, why should today's Mormon women be so sing-songy? Makes no sense when they can make a blog header with little happy birds, and a model-looking husband, and kids with perfectly mismatched clothes.
These blogs portray perfection. And you know what? No one is perfect. These blogs place an intentional slant on life. I doubt that those fifty-year-old Mormon women used to yell at their kids with happy! happy! princess! voices! And I know for a fact that these picture-perfect bloggers aren't happy! happy! happy! day in and day out.
I don't consider my blog to be the typical Mormon Mommy Blog--or a Mormon Mommy Blog at all, but to be fair, I'll admit that my blog is just as slanted as theirs' are. They paint it to look like their husbands fart flowers, and I've pretty well convinced you all that I'm the life of the Tupperware party. Trust me, I'm not. Total party dud....right here.
I wrote about a tween flashback sometime last week, and a couple of commenters couldn't believe it was true. "How," they questioned, "can so many funny things happen to just one person?"
Well, I guess I could have summed it up this way, to make it sound more believable:
But that's no fun, now is it? These Mormon Mommy Bloggers are doing a really similar thing. The only difference is, they have some serious photography skills.
If I had to guess, those girls watched Sleeping Beauty when they were little, and wished, wished, wished for a prince of their very own. I, on the other hand, watched Pee Wee's Playhouse diligently, and still want a set of talking chairs so, so, so, so badly.
Different perspectives, same degree of slant.
Bottom line? These girls are sugar coating the sh!t out of their lives. And maybe I am, too.
Do Mormons tend to be happy people? I guess so. I think most people who find truth and meaning in their religion (or community, or a cause) tend to be happy--at least most of the time. But we haven't cornered the market on happiness, or family fun, or cute husbands. And as much as Mormons value motherhood, we haven't cornered the market on the fact-of-life either.
I was Catholic for my first twenty years, and trust me, that whole Mary thing? That's some very powerful stuff when it comes to venerating the role of mothers.
And don't even get me started on my super hippy friends. They not only stay home with their kids--they sleep with their kids, cloth diaper their kids, grow food for their kids, knit hats for their kids, nurse their kids forever, write songs for their kids on the guitar, and you get the picture.
It's an absolute true fact that Mormons have something that outsiders don't. We believe certain things that make atheists roll their eyes and give some born again Christians a nervous twitch. But every religion has a richness that other religions don't--and if you believe what you're devoting your existence to, chances are, you'll be very happy.
But just because you're happy, don't expect to have kids who wear Mini-Boden, and a perfectly decorated house, and vintage party dresses, and perky boobs, and an insane sewing talent.
Because that? Well that's art. And Photoshop101 is the prerequisite.
(Aaaaaand commence with the hateration. Or the love. Either way.)
My response to this article.
If you're Mormon, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about when I write the phrase, "Relief Society Voice." For those of you who aren't Mormon, let me explain.
Twice a year, the LDS Church holds it's semi-annual General Conference. Basically, the leaders of the church, men and women alike, give talks to members all over the world from the Conference Center in Salt Lake City. The talks are broadcast on the internet, on television (even on basic cable in Maine), on the radio, and everyone is encouraged to listen to each of the four two-hour sessions.
The female speakers, who tend to hail from the West, all seem to have the exact same sing-songy voice, or as it's commonly coined, "Relief Society Voice." Even my father-in-law, who is the Momonest Mormon in the whole entire universe, can sometimes be seen quietly excusing himself from the room when the "Relief Society Voice" comes on. It's a great time to refill your bowl of peanuts.
Now don't get me wrong, the talks given by the women are usually the best talks of them all. But the voices, ohhhhh the voices, are not so easy to swallow. Usually, I end up reading their talks after the fact because I love the content, I just don't love to listen to them. They're deep and insightful and lots of times they make me cry--but only when I take 'em in through the church magazine. The audio brings me to tears in an entirely different way.
There's this particular talk called "Hold On" by Ann M. Dibb that's become one of my favorites. I've used it over and over and over in Sunday School lessons and Seminary because the message is completely powerful, but hoo boy, it's a perfect example of this phenomenon.
As reluctant as I feel to do this (because it's a great talk, she's an amazing woman, and I don't want people making fun of someone who's trying her damnedest to make the world a much better place), here's the link to the talk on Youtube. You only have to watch the first minute to see how cheerful! Sister! Dibb! is! as she describes a completely tragic accident.
I'm sure she was nervous, and in the end her talk has a positive, encouraging message. But the tone and the voice is really kind of strange.
And really kind of normal for middle-aged Mormon women.
You don't hear it so much in Maine, but you hear it a lot when visitors come from out West, and I heard a whole mess of it in Texas. Enough to last me a lifetime. Also enough to lead me down the path of swearing.
But this voice, this Relief Society Voice (by the way, Relief Society is the name of the women's organization of the LDS Church), never ever comes out of the mouth of a thirty-something female Mormon. The voices is saved for women who are forty and up--and probably more like fifty and up.
So what happened to the Relief Society Voice? Where did it go? Why has my generation failed to carry it on? It's a well-known fact that that energy can't be created or destroyed--and this voices appears to take a hell of a lot of energy--so really now, where has this energy gone?
Clearly, the voice has morphed, and it's taken on the form of the current day Mormon Mommy Blog.
You might know what I'm talking about. They have three or four kids, they haven't hit thirty, they're beautiful, and they bake. Considering all these factors, why should today's Mormon women be so sing-songy? Makes no sense when they can make a blog header with little happy birds, and a model-looking husband, and kids with perfectly mismatched clothes.
These blogs portray perfection. And you know what? No one is perfect. These blogs place an intentional slant on life. I doubt that those fifty-year-old Mormon women used to yell at their kids with happy! happy! princess! voices! And I know for a fact that these picture-perfect bloggers aren't happy! happy! happy! day in and day out.
I don't consider my blog to be the typical Mormon Mommy Blog--or a Mormon Mommy Blog at all, but to be fair, I'll admit that my blog is just as slanted as theirs' are. They paint it to look like their husbands fart flowers, and I've pretty well convinced you all that I'm the life of the Tupperware party. Trust me, I'm not. Total party dud....right here.
I wrote about a tween flashback sometime last week, and a couple of commenters couldn't believe it was true. "How," they questioned, "can so many funny things happen to just one person?"
Well, I guess I could have summed it up this way, to make it sound more believable:
Once upon a time there was a really frazzled mom on my street. Her kid was an only child and he was bored. She paid me five bucks a week to take him up to the park and play so he wouldn't be so annoying. The End.
But that's no fun, now is it? These Mormon Mommy Bloggers are doing a really similar thing. The only difference is, they have some serious photography skills.
If I had to guess, those girls watched Sleeping Beauty when they were little, and wished, wished, wished for a prince of their very own. I, on the other hand, watched Pee Wee's Playhouse diligently, and still want a set of talking chairs so, so, so, so badly.
Different perspectives, same degree of slant.
Bottom line? These girls are sugar coating the sh!t out of their lives. And maybe I am, too.
Do Mormons tend to be happy people? I guess so. I think most people who find truth and meaning in their religion (or community, or a cause) tend to be happy--at least most of the time. But we haven't cornered the market on happiness, or family fun, or cute husbands. And as much as Mormons value motherhood, we haven't cornered the market on the fact-of-life either.
I was Catholic for my first twenty years, and trust me, that whole Mary thing? That's some very powerful stuff when it comes to venerating the role of mothers.
And don't even get me started on my super hippy friends. They not only stay home with their kids--they sleep with their kids, cloth diaper their kids, grow food for their kids, knit hats for their kids, nurse their kids forever, write songs for their kids on the guitar, and you get the picture.
It's an absolute true fact that Mormons have something that outsiders don't. We believe certain things that make atheists roll their eyes and give some born again Christians a nervous twitch. But every religion has a richness that other religions don't--and if you believe what you're devoting your existence to, chances are, you'll be very happy.
But just because you're happy, don't expect to have kids who wear Mini-Boden, and a perfectly decorated house, and vintage party dresses, and perky boobs, and an insane sewing talent.
Because that? Well that's art. And Photoshop101 is the prerequisite.
(Aaaaaand commence with the hateration. Or the love. Either way.)
My Response is Coming
January 28, 2010
After two weeks of rumination over this article, I finally feel like I know what I need to say.
Apparently, there's been all sorts of hoo-ha over this snippet--on the internet, and pretty much every form of media out West. I've seen a few responses, but I live in Maine, Utah's hoo-ha is a world away for me.
Stay tuned. Between my long run and kid chasing, I'll rope my thoughts onto this blog.
In the mean time, go ahead and read the article. But in case you're not up for it, I'll give you the jist--a self-proclaimed youngish, feminist, over-educated, athiest woman can't figure out why she's so obsessed with blogs written my Mormon housewives. Actually, it's her guilty pleasure.
My guilty pleasure is x-rated texting and chocolate/peanut butter desserts. But you know, to each her own.
Sit tight. But remember, I suck with deadlines.
After two weeks of rumination over this article, I finally feel like I know what I need to say.
Apparently, there's been all sorts of hoo-ha over this snippet--on the internet, and pretty much every form of media out West. I've seen a few responses, but I live in Maine, Utah's hoo-ha is a world away for me.
Stay tuned. Between my long run and kid chasing, I'll rope my thoughts onto this blog.
In the mean time, go ahead and read the article. But in case you're not up for it, I'll give you the jist--a self-proclaimed youngish, feminist, over-educated, athiest woman can't figure out why she's so obsessed with blogs written my Mormon housewives. Actually, it's her guilty pleasure.
My guilty pleasure is x-rated texting and chocolate/peanut butter desserts. But you know, to each her own.
Sit tight. But remember, I suck with deadlines.
Makes a Bad Day Good
January 27, 2011
Ya know. I'm just having a day. One of those days where the craptastitude completely overshadows the fabulosities of being alive. I really, really hate days like today.
Sometimes, when I stop and think about it, I have a lot going on my life. But please don't get me wrong, for a person like me, that's a good thing. For some reason--and I honestly don't know why--I thrive when I have a zillion balls in the air. When I think back to my undergrad days, there was only one semester that I landed myself a 4.0 GPA. It also happened to be the semester that I was taking 21 credit hours, working two jobs, and planning my wedding.
Blamo. Nailed it. Four. Point. Oh.
These days, I've got a lot going on, and just like the good old days, I really seem to like it. The calendar on my phone is jammed full of business meetings, crazy hat days, road races, dates with Jared, sit-downs with the accountant, and I really, really feel happy with the way my life is shaping up.
But just because I like it, doesn't mean that everything is always going well.
To help you understand the triumphs and vicissitudes of my life, I drew you a super scientific graph. Actually, it's so scientific, that it has legend to go with it, too.
Behold:
As you can see, when one thing, for example motherhood, is unbelievably good, something else, like work, might be a complete and utter shizfest. And when I'm rockin' the whole 'awesome marriage' bit, chances are, I'm constipated as all get out.
Very rarely do all the forces work together for good. And very rarely, as evidenced by the big black circle on the graph, do all the forces line up to kick me in the front teeth.
Guess where they're lined up today?
Right. In the circle. Sucker punching me over, and over, and over.
Thankfully, at 3:45, the world will tip back up onto its axis, and I won't care about the stupid, stupid, bad stuff. Take a look:
I've finally, after thirty long years, found something on this planet that's more fun than skiing....WATCHING MY KID SKI!
Skiing might be an expensive hobby, but if I die with one dollar in the bank and a whole mess of kids and grandkids who love to ski, I really won't give a damn.
So listen up you crappy poopfest of a day. At 3:45, you can get right out of my way. James is going skiing.
Ten Links
January 25, 2011
I'm a really bad blogger. Probably one of the worst I've ever come across.
Good writer? I guess so.
Good blogger? Absolutely not.
I rarely comment back to my commenters, I'm not so good at commenting on other blogs, I don't share a lot of links, and I have no idea what a 'blog carnival' is supposed to be. I don't troll the internet for new readers, I don't have a button, I'm just a complete under-achiever in this blogging game.
But the one thing I'm really proud of, is the fact that this blog is still here. So far, I haven't fallen victim to the whole 'vanishing blog syndrome' that snatches my favorite characters away all too often. And really, that's pretty much my only goal--keep doing it. Because I like to do it.
If you're offended by my severe lack of blogging etiquette, I really am sorry. But if you're offended by my seriously immature humor, I'm not sorry. You'll have to get used to it, because I bet you anything, that there will be all kinds of great quotes recited at my funeral that I'm tentatively scheduling for 2085.
Anyhoo, I do read blogs. Actually, I love to read blogs. In no particular order, here are ten of my favorites. You should probably read them all:
Sweet Cheeks in the Kitchen -- I'm lucky enough to know Brianne in real life, and I'm even luckier than I've gotten to eat some of her kitchen amazingness. She can photograph a cupcake like no-one else, and I regularly find myself leaving comments on her facebook page that say things like, "How do you not weigh 800 pounds?" Thanks to her ridiculously cute baby, she's been light on her blogging lately, but if you sift through her archives, you'll drool yourself to sleep.
Life Begins at Thirty -- I just love Pam. She runs, she has a couple of dogs, and she takes vacations that I'm jealous of. I feel like I know her, even though I totally don't. Maybe someday!
Fast Punx -- Another running blog. This guy is actually married to Brianne from Sweet Cheeks in the Kitchen. He qualified for Boston last fall and has 85,000 tattoos. I think he even has a tuba tattooed on his back--I don't know, he runs too fast for me to tell.
Runner Belle -- Another real life Boston blogger. I really wish this girl was my neighbor. We have similar running styles and I hope I can get to her level in the next couple of years.
Then She Made... -- A crafty blog. Amy is one of my favorite people in the universe and her projects are just really stinking cute. If you're crafty, you really have to check her out.
Honey Rock Dawn -- Some random girl who lives in Wyoming with a coyote, a goose, some cattle, and I don't know what else. She has this wicked hot cowboy boyfriend and I want to touch his butt.
Carrots n' Cake -- The last thing this girl needs is another link. She a bazillion readers already. I'm not sure why I'm so drawn to this blog, especially since I don't like pugs. All I know is this: Her blog is like crack cocaine. The first time I read it I said to myself, "Not gonna do that again!" And now I find myself always clicking for more.
Easy as ABC -- If Caitlin and Adam aren't the cutest couple in the history of the planet, then paint me red and roll me in some feathers. They're a college-aged married couple and I completely love them. Their little, tiny apartment and their HUGE haul of wedding gifts reminds me so much of my marriage to Jared in the early years. Someday, when they have a baby, I'm sure I'll send them a cute little gifty from Etsy...even though we've never met.
Reagan's Blob -- Okay. Reagan's blob will simultaneously make you laugh, cry, hug your kids, want to be a better person, lose twenty pounds, and put on some make-up. Oh yeah, and move to New York. You absolutely have to click on that link and get to know Piper Jane--she's probably the specialist little girl on the face of the earth.
Georgia Snail -- A nice, southern gentleman who likes to run at a nice, leisurely pace. One of his favorite words is 'asshattery,' which automatically makes him one of my favorite people on the internet. Please, please, please read his January 19th post. Seriously, January 19th. Do it. For real. And click on his link. Seriously.
Now Don't Get Me Sarted -- Okay fine. Eleven links. This one goes out to my A #1 commenter, Karen. If you want a New Englander's view on this wintry weather, click on Karen. But I'll give you a preview--she thinks you're all a bunch of wimps.
Happy procrastination!
I'm a really bad blogger. Probably one of the worst I've ever come across.
Good writer? I guess so.
Good blogger? Absolutely not.
I rarely comment back to my commenters, I'm not so good at commenting on other blogs, I don't share a lot of links, and I have no idea what a 'blog carnival' is supposed to be. I don't troll the internet for new readers, I don't have a button, I'm just a complete under-achiever in this blogging game.
But the one thing I'm really proud of, is the fact that this blog is still here. So far, I haven't fallen victim to the whole 'vanishing blog syndrome' that snatches my favorite characters away all too often. And really, that's pretty much my only goal--keep doing it. Because I like to do it.
If you're offended by my severe lack of blogging etiquette, I really am sorry. But if you're offended by my seriously immature humor, I'm not sorry. You'll have to get used to it, because I bet you anything, that there will be all kinds of great quotes recited at my funeral that I'm tentatively scheduling for 2085.
Anyhoo, I do read blogs. Actually, I love to read blogs. In no particular order, here are ten of my favorites. You should probably read them all:
Sweet Cheeks in the Kitchen -- I'm lucky enough to know Brianne in real life, and I'm even luckier than I've gotten to eat some of her kitchen amazingness. She can photograph a cupcake like no-one else, and I regularly find myself leaving comments on her facebook page that say things like, "How do you not weigh 800 pounds?" Thanks to her ridiculously cute baby, she's been light on her blogging lately, but if you sift through her archives, you'll drool yourself to sleep.
Life Begins at Thirty -- I just love Pam. She runs, she has a couple of dogs, and she takes vacations that I'm jealous of. I feel like I know her, even though I totally don't. Maybe someday!
Fast Punx -- Another running blog. This guy is actually married to Brianne from Sweet Cheeks in the Kitchen. He qualified for Boston last fall and has 85,000 tattoos. I think he even has a tuba tattooed on his back--I don't know, he runs too fast for me to tell.
Runner Belle -- Another real life Boston blogger. I really wish this girl was my neighbor. We have similar running styles and I hope I can get to her level in the next couple of years.
Then She Made... -- A crafty blog. Amy is one of my favorite people in the universe and her projects are just really stinking cute. If you're crafty, you really have to check her out.
Honey Rock Dawn -- Some random girl who lives in Wyoming with a coyote, a goose, some cattle, and I don't know what else. She has this wicked hot cowboy boyfriend and I want to touch his butt.
Carrots n' Cake -- The last thing this girl needs is another link. She a bazillion readers already. I'm not sure why I'm so drawn to this blog, especially since I don't like pugs. All I know is this: Her blog is like crack cocaine. The first time I read it I said to myself, "Not gonna do that again!" And now I find myself always clicking for more.
Easy as ABC -- If Caitlin and Adam aren't the cutest couple in the history of the planet, then paint me red and roll me in some feathers. They're a college-aged married couple and I completely love them. Their little, tiny apartment and their HUGE haul of wedding gifts reminds me so much of my marriage to Jared in the early years. Someday, when they have a baby, I'm sure I'll send them a cute little gifty from Etsy...even though we've never met.
Reagan's Blob -- Okay. Reagan's blob will simultaneously make you laugh, cry, hug your kids, want to be a better person, lose twenty pounds, and put on some make-up. Oh yeah, and move to New York. You absolutely have to click on that link and get to know Piper Jane--she's probably the specialist little girl on the face of the earth.
Georgia Snail -- A nice, southern gentleman who likes to run at a nice, leisurely pace. One of his favorite words is 'asshattery,' which automatically makes him one of my favorite people on the internet. Please, please, please read his January 19th post. Seriously, January 19th. Do it. For real. And click on his link. Seriously.
Now Don't Get Me Sarted -- Okay fine. Eleven links. This one goes out to my A #1 commenter, Karen. If you want a New Englander's view on this wintry weather, click on Karen. But I'll give you a preview--she thinks you're all a bunch of wimps.
Happy procrastination!
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