Important Announcement: The End of an Era

February 12, 2008

Today, my friends, marks the end of an era. Today I am giving up my frequent and habitual use of the word A-double-S. It's done, it's through, and I'm currently in the process of finding a replacement. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Why, you might wonder, am I giving up the use of my very favorite word cold turkey? Well, the answer is simple. I've become so comfortable with the use of my favorite A-double-S word, that I let it fly in a public meeting last night. Thankfully there were only five or six people present--but still--do you know what happens when you speak in a municipal meeting? Your comments are recorded in the minutes and archived in the municipal office for time and all eternity.

Thanks to Vivian, our elderly minute taker who can type 800 words a minute and never misses a sneeze, the following phrase made it into the notes:

"Amy talked about the size and scale of the Beach Run Road project, and instructed committee members to look at the blue prints on the big-a** sheet of paper if they were interested in seeing the exact dimensions."

It's true. I actually gave that instruction. But in my defense, my committee is young, hip, funny and had no idea what plans to look at until I described them in the aforementioned manner.

They were like, "Which ones?!"....."I have SEVEN sets of plans over here!"...."I'm confused, Amy!!!"...."What are we looking at?"..."Der?"....

So I said, "You don't really need to look, but if you want the exact dimensions, look at the big-a** blue-print that's folded up on the bottom of the pile."

They were like, "Oh." And within three seconds, everyone was happily inspecting the site plans. Which brings me to my lesson of the day:

Effective modes of communication are not necessarily appropriate modes of communication.

Jot that down, my friends. Tattoo it on your shoulder or write a book about it if you feel the urge--just be sure to remember it always.

So, in an effort to make my mother proud, my middle school music teacher proud, and these fantastically patient townspeople proud, I've decided to abandon the word all together. I will refer to the size of paper by its dimensions only, I will tell nasty drivers to kiss my cupcakes, and I will exchange the phrase "nasty-a**" for "frik-nasty."

Any other suggestions for word replacement would be valued to the highest degree.

Thank You.

19 comments:

D-Zastro said...

I think "booty" could work quite well as a replacement. While acting as an accurate synonym, you could also play it off nicely as a reference to pirate treasure!?! Then again, I suppose you could have said that you meant the blue prints were as “big as a donkey” to excuse your last gaffe.

Hmm... perhaps “grits”, as in “kiss my grits”?... Nah, “big-grits” wouldn’t really fly.

Well, given your location, I think the more ghetto you get, the safer you’ll be (‘cause people won’t know what the heck you’re talking about... and when they finally do figure out what you meant, they’ll likely have forgotten where they first heard it).

That being said, consider “badonkadonk”... that might just do the trick! Also, it’s a fun word to say....

Diana from Dallas said...

That is way too funny.

I try to totally delete things like that rather than find a replacement. Then, I won't be tempted to fall back into my bad habits - maybe you are more disciplined than me.

BTW - I have been reading your blog for a while and think you are hilarious!

Vanilla said...

Wow. This is uncanny. I had the "A" word that you're no longer using in my original blog post for today, but took it out on account of appropriateness, or lack thereof. Perhaps you could use big-honkin’ instead or you could try and clean it up by going British with it and using "arse."

akshaye said...

I got to agree with vanilla.. arse is so sophisticated it instantly makes a*s sound absolutely royal. So much so that I don't even feel like using the little '*' to bleep it out!

Grandma said...

sorry,but sometime there are no substititutes..... big "buttocks" piece of paper would not work..or big backside,big bum,big can,big derriere,big fanny,big keister,big hindquarter, big seat, big posterior....it was a big a** piece of paper, that is all there is to it.... if you do need a replacement,I remember your grandma saying "hind end" so if you want tradition,go w/ that one.

NuTKasEKaiLsX7 said...

i think instead of using the a double s word, you should call the person a lint licker. I got it from this corny gum comercial...

xoxoxox
-NuTKasEKaiLsX7

J~Mom said...

That is a toughie. I have never been hooked on a*s but rather damn and crap. Equally frowned upon in certain circles.

Laura said...

Boo-Tay.
Draw it out as best as you can. Make it sound like you just spent the past few years living in the south. Make us proud.

Jon said...

For a good replacement word I suggest acetabulum. You could say "get your big acetabulum out of my way," or "you are such a pain in my acetabulum." It is the name for the socket part of the ball and socket hip joint. Anatomically it would be a correct usage of the word.

Your recently graduated husband could answer any questions about it you might have.

carla said...

ooh
I mightcould be in for the tattoo!
Can we fly Kat VonD in for a WOMENS A**TATTOOING CONVENTION?!

(pun intended :))

Carla
www.MizFitOnline.com

Rob & Katy said...

sometimes, big ass is the only way to describe something. don't give it up.

Bahston Beans said...

Sometimes I like "big Bertha" unless you work with a Bertha. Or Large Marge!

Loralei said...

Don't give it up! Perhaps you should just curtail the usage and save it for those special occasions when "a double s" fits the bill.

Jen said...

I don't know about that one, but crackers, cranberries, and crabcakes are good ones for crap.

chattypatra said...

Hey, Amy! If you follow bashton's suggestion I'll whoop your *ss! :)

Cheryl said...

I was going to suggest "bum" or "tush", but those are way to tame when you really need to get your point across.

I love Jon's suggestion. Go with acetabulum! It will make you sound so smart!

Lotta said...

You need to go watch this video..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8b5Y0q9-hMc

P.O.M. said...

Good A$$ Luck with that one.

becoming a member of the mommy cult said...

As a mother of two I like to refer to my hind quarters as the pancake platter. Funny that you have deleted the big A out of your vocabulary considering that the one and only post I have so far includes said word.