February 12, 2008
Today, my friends, marks the end of an era. Today I am giving up my frequent and habitual use of the word A-double-S. It's done, it's through, and I'm currently in the process of finding a replacement. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Why, you might wonder, am I giving up the use of my very favorite word cold turkey? Well, the answer is simple. I've become so comfortable with the use of my favorite A-double-S word, that I let it fly in a public meeting last night. Thankfully there were only five or six people present--but still--do you know what happens when you speak in a municipal meeting? Your comments are recorded in the minutes and archived in the municipal office for time and all eternity.
Thanks to Vivian, our elderly minute taker who can type 800 words a minute and never misses a sneeze, the following phrase made it into the notes:
"Amy talked about the size and scale of the Beach Run Road project, and instructed committee members to look at the blue prints on the big-a** sheet of paper if they were interested in seeing the exact dimensions."
It's true. I actually gave that instruction. But in my defense, my committee is young, hip, funny and had no idea what plans to look at until I described them in the aforementioned manner.
They were like, "Which ones?!"....."I have SEVEN sets of plans over here!"...."I'm confused, Amy!!!"...."What are we looking at?"..."Der?"....
So I said, "You don't really need to look, but if you want the exact dimensions, look at the big-a** blue-print that's folded up on the bottom of the pile."
They were like, "Oh." And within three seconds, everyone was happily inspecting the site plans. Which brings me to my lesson of the day:
Effective modes of communication are not necessarily appropriate modes of communication.
Jot that down, my friends. Tattoo it on your shoulder or write a book about it if you feel the urge--just be sure to remember it always.
So, in an effort to make my mother proud, my middle school music teacher proud, and these fantastically patient townspeople proud, I've decided to abandon the word all together. I will refer to the size of paper by its dimensions only, I will tell nasty drivers to kiss my cupcakes, and I will exchange the phrase "nasty-a**" for "frik-nasty."
Any other suggestions for word replacement would be valued to the highest degree.