An Update on My Condition

December 1, 2009

I've read the parenting books, and believe-you-me, I know that it's never okay to compare your children against one another. After all, they're individuals, with their own strengths, weaknesses, personalities, and interests. Comparison is pointless, unfair, and nothing but harmful.

But wait, hold the phone. I'm Amy Lawson, so watch me do it anyway.

James was a fantastic sleeper. At six weeks old, that boy started sleeping through the night from 10pm to 5am without so much as a whisper or a grunt. By the time he was 18 months, James was sleeping from 8pm to 8am and taking a four hour nap every single day. The kid slept so much that I barely even knew him. And that was cool with me, because sometimes strangers can have a very special and unexplainable connection to one another.

James was fat, James was happy, and James was tired. Very, very tired.

And me? Well I felt like a fresh little flower who sneezed out sunshine and farted out fairy dust.

Then there's Maggie. Miss Cutie-Cuteness-Crappy-Dappy-Sorry-Excuse-for-a-Sleeper Maggie. Thank goodness that girl is adorable, because if it weren't for those perfect, little facial features, that child would be headed to an obscure Swiss boarding school at the sweet, young age of seven weeks.

I'm sure, that in the grand scheme of things, Maggie is a pretty normal baby. But compared to her brother, this child is a straight-up insomniac.

Maggie eats at 10.

Maggie eats at midnight.

Maggie eats at 2:15.

Maggie eats at 4:45ish.

Maggie eats at 7.

Maggie is hungry.

And then, when the sun peeks up over the horizon, I wander around town looking remarkably similar to this:



Remember her? I'll give you a clue: Tell 'em Large Marge sent ya.

That's right, it's the very same truck driver who scared the pants off of Pee Wee Herman when he was on his cross country adventure, trying like heck to find his bike. If you were born in the 70's or 80's then you definitely remember how shaken Pee Wee became when Large Marge made her eyes bulge out of her head--now take a minute to think about how you'd feel if you bumped into Marge in the stacks at your local library and she gave you that same whacked out look.

And that is why I'd like to apologize to all of my fellow community members. I look like hell. I am a spitting image of Large Marge. Someone have mercy upon my weak and wretched soul.

So there you have it. My son left me looking all airy and bright, and Maggie? Well Maggie just leaves me looking like really sh!%%y 80's claymation.

I wonder how long this will last.

21 comments:

Kimi@SoManyKidsSoLittleTime said...

Good luck with that. My kids have all been craptastic sleepers so I'm used to it. But baby girl slept through the night for like two months straight (at about 4 months) and then bam...not so much. We went from blissful nights of sleep to sitting up in the rocking chair wishing for baby valium.

Michelle said...

Oh, Amy, I feel for you! Both Sarah and Helen were that way for me. Thankfully, they were followed by Dani and Dominic (pure bliss babies).

I swear it is Dani and Dominic that keep the shop open for more kids around here. :)

Charlotte said...

My babies were both fans of the all-night all-you-can-eat-buffet... how long will it last? Well, we're going on 3 years. I kissed my husband last night and he pulled back and told me to shower because I looked like a wet rat. (That last sentence is 100% the honest truth). I figure I'll reclaim myself sometime in 2030...

Marissa said...

You have got to go to your local library and check out the book, 'The Baby Whisperer' by Tracy Hogg, or buy it on Amazon. Best gift I was EVER given. All 3 of my kids have slept 8 hrs at night between 8 and 12 weeks. Good luck!

Mindy said...

Let's just say that I watched so many infomercials with my newborns that I actually bought one of those damn glider exercisers. I felt like a zombie all the time... a really ornery, hormonal, falling apart zombie. BUT it does end... finally, yes, it ends. My baby is 8 years old, and most nights don't even get interrupted. (Now, cleaning up a bed in the morning that has been peed in still happens, but that's another story.)

Adri said...

Like you...first baby - slept awesome...still does. Second baby - slept like crap...still does. I haven't slept through the night in 3.5 years. No joke. I look like poop, but I've accepted it. I just keep hoping that one day he'll wake up and be old enough to entertain himself instead of needing me. Sigh. I feel for you.

Brad and Rebecca said...

I was terrified of large marge as a kid....seriously terrified!

Bahston Beans said...

I don't think Patrick will be visiting Maine any time soon.

Lindsey said...

Don't even ask yourself that question. SERIOUSLY. I am STILL asking myself that question and you know when MY baby was born... just don't ask.

Christina said...

I remember those kind of nights as a new mom. My daughter (now 14 months) was and is a terrible sleeper. Seriously, I don't know how the kid functions! She goes to bed at 8:30pm, usually wakes up just to cry at around midnight and maybe one other time before being up for good at 5 or 6 am. And this is a HUGE improvement!!! When she was younger and still nursing, she was up EVERY. FREAKIN'.TWO.HOURS. Like clock work. I almost lost my mind. That lasted for 6 months till I finally pulled the plug on middle of the night feedings (She'd slept through the night a time or two on her own, so I knew she didn't NEED to eat in the middle of the night) That change helped a little, but she's still a terrible sleeper. She hardly even naps! She *might* take one or two 30 minute naps in a day, that's it! Don't get me wrong, every now and then (growth spurts, teething) she will sleep from 8pm to 6am with no issue and take glorious 2 hour naps...but those are rare days. And my sleep schedule is so screwy that even when *she* sleeps through the night, *I* do not!!!
I shouldn't complain too much, aside from the no sleeping, she is seriously an awesome baby. So I guess it all evens out.

Amy said...

I haven't thought about large Marge in a long time. Thanks for the reminder.

Mrs Furious said...

I'm sorry I'm still choking after reading that James not only slept 12 hours at night but also took a 4 hour nap. what the heck?! I haven't had more than a 3 hour stretch of sleep since 2001. For reals. I take Unisom every night... not in hopes of sleeping through the night... but to help me fall back to sleep as quickly as possible after being woken. That does make a difference and is safe while breastfeeding.

chattypatra said...

Boil a head of lettuce. Strain the water and let it cool. Add sugar. Store in a gallon and refrigerate. Give Maggie a bottle tonight. If she is one of the people who get sleepy when they eat lettuce, she will conk out and you will sleep. Good luck!

chattypatra said...

P.S: Don't add a lot of sugar; just a tad. :)

Grandma said...

On this very night ten years ago.....

Karen said...

The first child lured you in with his goodness, huh?

jennie w. said...

You only have three more months! Then you can Ferberize and you'll have your nights back to yourself forever more.

pam said...

I always heard about "Large Marge" but never had a face to go with it. Thanks for making her more real for me. :)

Heidi said...

and I'm reading this at an unGodly hour because my near THREE year old likes to wake up somewhere between midnight and butt-a$$-early. Good luck with the sleeping... and if you find a cure for it (you know, one that's legal) let me in on the secret, will ya?

Jess said...

Ahhh, Amy, I have been away as a reader for a bit, but reading these last few posts have had me cracking up! And when I saw that pic of Large Marge, I honestly spit my coffee out on my keyboard. And I thought that result might make you happy :)

V and Co. said...

uh i look like that and i don't have a new born as an excuse.