Screw You, Murphy

June 8, 2009

Just so you know, if your car ever happens to get towed in Portland, Maine, it's $95 to get it out of the impound lot. And they only take cash. In exact amounts.

The price stands firm whether or not there were signs indicating that it was, in fact, a tow-away zone. The guessing keeps it interesting, I suppose--kind of like playing Russian Roulette with your weekly grocery money.

While you wait for your husband to retrieve the vehicle at 9pm on a Saturday night, your overtired 4-year-old might just stand on top of a table at a Subway restaurant, play dead behind the sandwich artists' station, and hug a very boisterous homeless woman tightly around the waist (with his head resting comfortably at her crotch).

Meanwhile, at home, your dog--you know, the one with a severe case of canine IBS?--is likely to be losing the contents her intestines all over your kitchen, den, and the 100% genuine wool rug on your living room floor. Really now, who can blame her? You are, after all, running an hour or two late.

The next morning, your child will probably wake up with a nasty, nasty hacking cough that sounds remarkably similar to the homeless woman's (not that there's anything wrong with that). You'll scrub your rug for at least 90 minutes, deem it unsalvagable, and your husband will leave on an overnight fishing trip because hello cruel world!, he needs to get away from it all.

Chances are, you'll eat 9 brownies before dinner because honestly, IS THERE A FREAKING POINT TO TRYING TO STAY SKINNY THESE DAYS? Since you're an above-average mother, you'll decide to share one of those treats with your 4-year-old boy, only to realize that he just ate the mocha one, flavored with 100% genuine Colombian dark roast coffee.

He will stay up until 10:30pm rearranging the artwork on his walls, changing his bedding (twice), and reorganizing the contents of his dresser drawers--all the while, wearing nothing but rubber underpants and a Christmas tie.

Eventually he will fall asleep, you will fall asleep, and your dog will have an acute intestinal flare-up at 2:15 in the morning. At least it's a beautiful night for a walk.

How was your weekend?


chattypatra said...

You win. Now you can sing this song:

Anonymous said...

Have you ever read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day?

I think you should move to Australia!

Ian said...

Rubber underpants? What are those, and where do I go about finding a pair in my size?

Unknown said...

Wow that sounds pretty horrible. I am sorry you had such a bad weekend.

One question though, how did you find out your dog had canine ibs? i am pretty sure one of my pups has it, but he has not been officially diagnosed. Just testing out what foods work best with him right now... etc

Amy said...

At least all this took place in a lovely location like Maine instead of in, say, Dallas.

b. said...

While I want to be all, "Awww, how sweet!" about the homeless hugging...I'd probably gag and hose him down with the rug.

Unknown said...

I'm interested in Cara's question. It seems to me, if your dog is crapping all over your house to the degree that you even suspect it has a diagnosable disease, why even wonder about the specifics? Drag his overactive little heiny to the vet and tell her you're not leaving until one of you has prescription drugs.

As for your day, while I am sorry it was so crappy - and I think a theme is emerging here - writers are a perverse bunch who know that any story which includes dog defacation, homeless people, caffeine addicted pre-schoolers and an impound lot is pretty much the mother lode.

So I congratulate you on at least a week's worth of blogging fodder!!

Unknown said...

mine has been to the vet several times. they keep saying its bacterial, and give him antibiotics, and then he gets the same thing a few days later. pretty sure its allergies/canine ibs, but my vet is not convinced, nor does he seem to care about holistic healing which i do, ie better healthier food, etc.

Grandma said...

As you used to say "Fair or unfair?" and you know the answer!!

Amy said...

Cara--Your dog, too??? Oh no. In all actuality, I don't know that canine IBS is a real condition, but heavens me, it really seems to be what Gracie has. A very sensitive stomach is pretty typical for greyhounds. They can be skiddish dogs and they'll usually manifest it outwardly (tail between the legs, nervous in bad weather, etc) or in their bowels.
She's totally sensitive to people food (all bets are off when she gets into the trash) and to dog food, too. The only things we can feed her are boiled chicken breast with white rice, or California Natural Brand Chicken and Rice. The California Natural is great, but it's expen$ive. And when she's going through a bad spell, the real chicken and rice usually fixes her up.
Also, charcoal (sp?) tablets for dogs can be a big help--that's an old school holistic remedy.
And that's everything you've ever wanted to know about my dog's poo habits.

Lauren said...

What is it with dogs and rugs? My dog will begin to make puking noises and make sure she runs over to the rug to throw up on it. She wouldn't want to throw up on the wood floor where I could just wipe it up. That's not nearly as fun.

Unknown said...

Thanks Amy! Good to know that I am not alone. Just bought California Natural yesterday actually, the lamb and rice version. Hopefully that does the trick ;-)

Anonymous said...

I love the description of the kid on mocha brownies!

Anonymous said...

Very nice ........... thank you for sharing your nice feelings..........

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