January 8, 2009
It was three o'clock in the afternoon and the weather was getting really, really bad. It had snowed in the morning, which turned into sleet, and eventually morphed into freezing rain. Schools were cancelled and businesses were closing up shop early. It was cold, cloudy, slippery, and already starting to get a little bit dark outside.
And that's when the phone rang.
It was my husband.
"Amy," he said, "I locked my keys in the car. I have a patient coming in an hour and I'm locked out of my office."
At that very moment, all I wanted to do was scream into the phone receiver with such volume and force that my beloved would have to hold his cell approximately eighteen inches from his ear to preserve his sense of hearing
So I did.
"YOU DID WHAT," I hollered in my most ferocious, unforgiving voice?!
I know it probably seems unkindly of me to treat my spouse in such a manner at his time of desperate need, but this man has an absolute knack for locking himself out of important places at the most inopportune times. It always seems to happen while I'm in a private meeting...at my gyn's office...wearing no pants. Or when Oprah's going on and on about how fat she is.
Certainly not convenient.
(Side Note: The fact that I locked my keys in the car late at night in Boston last month, or the time I locked the keys in the station wagon at Jared's Grandma's funeral, making us late for the procession to the cemetery are 100% irrelevant at this juncture.)
Jared apologized over and over again, promising gummy worms and date nights and thousands of dollars if I'd just come and save his deliciously skinny ass one more time.
"What about your spare key that the hairdresser has," I demanded?
"She's closed because of the weather," he replied.
"Then what about your hide-a-key," I asked in my very best impatient voice.
"It's in my desk drawer," he said.
"FINE," I spit, "I'M COMING..."
"...JUST AS SOON AS I WAKE YOUR NAPPING CHILD."
I know what you're thinking: That Amy I'll tell ya, she's just a peach! A real life sweet heart!
I tiptoed upstairs and gently ruffled my three-year-old son awake. "James," I said, "it's time to get up, we have to go and rescue Daddy."
And just like that, in the blink of an eye, my toddler went from sleep mode to alert mode. He sat up straight, and with wide eyes and an incredible case of bedhead he exclaimed, "Rescue?! Daddy?!"
"Yup. Daddy's stuck. We need to go and rescue him."
"Den we will need a wope," my little super-hero boldly exclaimed! "We will need a wope!"
"You're right," I played along. "We can't save Daddy without a rope!"
So we suited up in our winter gear, took a bundle of black rope from the wall of the garage, and embarked on a slow-going twenty mile drive to go and rescue Daddy. As we drove along, James used his little arm to demonstrate the cowboy-style lasso technique that he envisioned us using. Apparently I'd rope Jared (gladly) and James would pull him out of the tree.
Well okay then.
Right in the middle of our rescue planning, things got very quiet. I glanced in my rear view mirror, and sure enough James was conked out in his car seat--which offered me the perfect opportunity to call Jared and fill him in on the plan.
When he picked up his phone, before he could even say hello, I said "Get your ass in a tree."
He was like, "What?"
"Get your ass in a tree," I said. "I told James that we were coming to rescue you, and he told me to bring a rope. The kid wants some adventure."
"Uhhhh, okay," he replied, "but how far away are you?"
"We're really close by, we'll be there in a second, so go get you ass in a tree!!!!!"
I was lying, we weren't close by at all.
Twenty minutes later James and I pulled onto Main Street, and honest to goodness, there was Jared, perched on a tall branch of a little dogwood tree that was planted in an embankment in the parking lot next to his building. In the freezing rain.
I pulled up next to the tree, rolled down James's window, and gave Jared the 'action' sign.
"HELP," he yelled! "I'M STUCK IN A TREE AND I NEED TO BE RESCUED WITH A ROPE! HELLLLPPPP!!!!"
"Do it again," I commanded!
"HELP," he said again! "I'M STILL STUCK IN THIS TREE AND I REALLY NEED SOMEBODY WITH A ROPE TO RESCUE ME!!!!"
We did this three or four more times.
Finally, Jared called me on my cell phone. He was like, "Dude, when are you actually gonna come and rescue me with the rope? It's freaking freezing up here!"
And I was all, "I swear I'll come and rescue you as soon as James wakes up. It's just that I really don't want him to miss it!" And with that, my husband jumped out of the tree, walked around to my car window and glared at me with the death stare that I've become all too familiar with.
Jared unlocked his car, and tossed the keys back in my direction with his left hand--he was using his right hand to obviously hide something behind his back.
"So," I asked, "What's behind your back?"
"Ummmmm.....this," he said, reluctantly revealing a bulk-sized box of Mentos fruit flavored candies." One hundred and eighty rolls to be exact. "I ran out of Mentos, so I closed the office so I could go to Sam's Club and buy some more. That's how I got locked out."
Totally worth it.