Love Stinks: The Story of a Slightly Dislocated Shoulder

January 13, 2011

Every two weeks or so, I go to the library. And for some reason, I never go to the library alone. Sure I have time to go to the library by myself--I could always go during one of my work days--but every time I end up at the library, I'm there with an over-tired baby and a kindergartner who's about to pee his pants.

Our routine is always the same. We enter through the back door in the rear of the building--the door that opens right into the children's section. We wander over to the movie section where James picks something completely random that will hold his attention for four seconds (documentaries, Baby Einstein, princess stories, and so on and so forth), I pick out a movie that he can watch fourteen times in a row without a speck of boredom, and then we get a Star Wars book.

We pay our late fee (because I'm Amy Lawson, we always have a late fee), and we walk upstairs to the adult section. By this time, James is inevitably doing that way-too-close spitty whisper thing into my ear. He's all, "I NEED TO HAVE A CHEESE STICK WHEN WE GET HOME," and Maggie's flopping around like a haddock out of water--I can barely hang on to her.

You can imagine that I don't have a whole lot of time to chose a book for myself. I've come to realize that browsing, and words like hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, are for library patrons who don't have kids. As a result, I've gotten into the habit of walking straight over to the New Non-Fiction shelf, picking two books based on completely on their covers, and getting the hell out of dodge.

I've done all kind of reading on account of this method. I now consider myself to be an expert on drug addiction, gardening, cheese making, reflexology, and business.

This past week I ended up grabbing a sewing book, and a book called The Power by Rhonda Byrne. For those of you who don't know, it's a sequel to the wildly successful book/movie, The Secret. According the The Power, it's all about love. Love, love, love, love, love.

Want to get rich? Love.

Want to be famous? Love.

Want to have ginormous boobies? Love, love, love.

To sum it all up, if we can all just learn to love, we can all achieve our wildest dreams--every single one of them.

After reading the first three chapters, I thought to myself, "Well sh!t. Here's what I've been missing! I'm just gonna love my way into the Boston Marathon. Love, love, love, love, love."

So I went down into my basement, I hopped on the treadmill and thought, "I love running, and I love this treadmill!"

Then I turned on the television, you know, the television I love, flipped through the channels and found The Real Housewives on the CW--a show which I happen to looooove. I watched the girls for thirty-eight minutes or so, came to love each one of them individually as if they were my rich aunts, and was cranking along at a 7:45 pace.

It barely felt like I was working. It felt a lot more like I was gliding. Effortlessly. Like a winged gazelle. There was no other explanation--it had to have been the love. After all, I was even loving on my red carpet and dark wood panelling. I was like, "I loooove1970s home style choices!!!!"

Love, love, love, love, HOLY #$%^!

Right in the middle of my looooove fest, my treadmill--the one I love so much--went and gave up the ghost.
It went from 8.5 mph to 0 mph in less than a second flat. Clearly, I was on my ass--and let me make it abundantly clear that the foot to ass transition was not even slightly graceful.

James, who was down in the basement practicing his ninja skills, turned toward me with huge round eyes and his mouth hanging open. When he finally had the wherewithal to speak, he said, "Wow, Mom. I really, really LOVED that trick."

And I was like, "Well bud, I really, really think I dislocated my shoulder. Go get your father."

The End.


Anonymous said...

Ouch. I really really hope you just have bumps and bruises and not much worse.

Turi Becker said...

Personally, I love that you're a library patron AND non-fiction reader. Got any good cheese-making books to recommend? :)

Hope the shoulder is OK -

Ian said...

This is just one more reason that the inventor of the treadmill deserves a good swift kick in the balls. I loathe my treadmill, but I guess that's why I'm not rich or famous. It's also why my shoulder is not dislocated though so I'm OK with the trade off.

Hope you're not too seriously hurt.

Hannah Q. Parris said...

As a librarian (although currently unemployed) I want to say thanks for promoting library use on here! Hope your shoulder heals quickly & that it doesn't interfere with your training. My husband is currently training for his 1st marathon with his heart set on qualifying for the Boston next year.

Michelle Glauser said...

Yay for libraries! I hope Jared was able to get your shoulder and your treadmill fixed up. :)

Unknown said...


I LOOOOVE you and your blog, but I really think I might need to stop reading it on my work breaks since I start giggling like an idiot every time.


Mindy said...

"because I'm Amy Lawson and we always have a late fee" LOL!!! That's totally me, except it's at Blockbuster, and it's "because I'm Mindy Smith".

I'm so sorry about your shoulder. I hope you and your treadmill make a quick recovery.

Team O'Connor said...

Noooo! Is your shoulder going to be ok? Girl let me tell you about Rhonda Bryne. The woman is crazy and I can prove it from all the MLM schemers I used to work with in Utah. Anyway, I still might try that since I would love to run at 8.5 for more than my 1 minute sprint at the end of my work out :) I hope your shoulder feels better!

The Boring Runner said...

OH CRAP - are you serious!?!? I mean, the book thing was funny - but the treadmill thing?? was pretty funny too - but hopefully it didn't hurt too bad. Or, still doesn't hurt.

Karen said...

I'm also a chronic library late fee abuser. Now that my kids are adults, I get to go to the library alone and pick out a bunch of decent chick books...AND I have time to read them.

Amy said...

You didn't just love your shoulder back to health?

Grandma said...

I can so picture James being impressed by your Ninja move!

Laura said...

Hope you feel better soon!

I too am guilty of choosing books by their covers. We have a great bookstore in NYC called The Strand where they have about 10 carts of books that are only $1 each - many of which are hardcovers that came out pretty recently. At that price, I usually grab a dozen just because I like their covers... and if I don't like them, no big deal; it was only a buck. I've actually found some good reads that way!

Shauna said...

Im really not laughing at you, purely WITH you, I promise but that was hilarious! I really do genuinely hope your shoulder is ok.

Kim said...

This is another reason to hate treadmills

Melissa said...

I LOVE this post, although I do hope you're not in too much pain and your shoulder heals quickly!!!

And fyi--no one, including me, in my home is allowed to check out library books, rent movies, or do anything that requires returning something on time. That rule was established after we ended up owning "Zoolander" for $68!!!!!


Jes said...

Best story ever! Thank you!