Simply Suckalicious

November 16, 2009

Jared just informed me that my blog is headed south down the pooper on the express train. It's lame, it's ignored, it's all about the children.

I don't know where he gets off saying thing kind of stuff to me. I mean, he got a D+ in physics during his sophomore year of college (while he was a physics major, mind you) and you don't see me broadcasting that kind of embarrassment up and down the internets.

Jared would like you all to know that he got an A- on his second go 'round.

I would like you all to know that he once peed on my back a little bit while we were dating.

Anyway...

So fine. I get it. My blog sucks. My blog mega sucks. I suck.

Tomorrow, I vow to you, my fun and frisky readers, that I will step away my Weight Watchers points, I will step away from my daytime television, and I will step away from all of my parental responsibilities to produce a blog post that will actually make you laugh. Imagine that.

Just keep in mind, if James wanders off to the photo counter at Rite Aid and Maggie's belly gets so empty that she starts drinking blue Gatorade, it's your own damn fault.

And really now, have you seen a baby who's raised on super sugary drinks? Mmm yeah--let's just say they grow up to wear a lot of beer t-shirts and blaze orange.

Thanks a lot.

See you tomorrow.

One Month Old: Tales from the Very Over-Tired

November 12, 2009

As of Tuesday, Maggie is one month old and just as sweet as ever.

See?

I know. She's so cute it makes you wonder what's wrong with your own kids.

Aside from being captivatingly beautiful, Maggie is a total and complete night owl--consequently I've become a straight-up spaz. I cry when Jared leaves for work, I cry when Jared comes home from work, I cry when I drop super heavy things on my toes, and sometimes I even cry when I eat too much pie.

Lack of sleep is so not pretty on me.

Aside from being all weepy, I'm confused as heck. For example, last week when I walked out of Sam's club, I pushed the cart over toward my car and said, "That's not my car. My car doesn't have that black stripe on the bottom." So I picked a car a few rows over--same make and model, very different color--and tried like hell to unlock it. I was madly pressing on my key chain, cursing at its brokenness, as my actual car flashed and beeped behind my back.

Finally I was like, "Who's that butt head who won't stop beeping?! I think I'll kick 'im in the balls." I turned around to get a look at his face, and sure enough, it was me. I was the butt head--the super sleep deprived butt head.

So I got in my car and cried. Obviously.

Or what about Monday? Monday was awesome.

I drove to the bank and withdrew a hundred bucks in cash. I put the wad in my center console, just like I always do (thieves, please take note), and drove into town--or the Burger King drive-thru, but whatever, those details are personal.

When I reached into my console to find money to pay for my water and small side salad--or my onion rings and Whopper, but whatever, those details are personal too--I was like, "NO SPANKIN' WAY!!!! I JUST FOUND A HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!! THIS IS THE BEST. DAY. EVER."

I pulled up to the window to pay and the lady was like, "Here you go. Have a nice day."

And I was all, "I just found a hundred dollars! I'm having the nicest day ever! I hope you find lot of money, too."

Then it dawned on me--I didn't actually "find" that money, I had withdrawn it twenty minutes earlier, and it was set aside for groceries, and diapers, and fun-sized Snickers bars, and other essentials.

Huge bummer. Huge enough in fact, to make me cry.

But dude. Seriously. How cute is she?????

Nosiness Satisfied

November 10, 2009

I'm really no good at blogging while I'm on maternity leave. I guess I'm just too busy doing other things right now--like forgetting to bring Maggie while I go to pick up James from school (only happened once and I swear I won't do it again), cheating on Weight Watchers, and nursing in front of our huge picture window that faces the street.

See? Very busy.

Now, before I sign off to make myself a snack, I guess I'll quench your nosiness--because I know, for a fact, that a lot of you are wondering.

Yes, I'm going back to work in two weeks.

And here's the very detailed background information for the nosiest of readers out there:

I was a stay-at-home mom with James--for almost three years. If you want me to get super technical about it, I was in grad school when James was a baby. I went back to school when James was five weeks old, so with the exception of weekend trips to the library, a class here and there, and study sessions at Starbucks, James and I were together all the time.

We were still living in Texas when I finished school, and James had just turned two. Jared had six more months to go until he graduated, so instead of diving into my career in a state we were about to leave, I took a babysitting job.

"A babysitter with a master's degree." I can't quite remember, but I think that was the tag line on my blog for a while.

I went back to work full-time when we moved back to New England in 2008. Jared stayed home with James while he figured out the details of opening up his practice. You know--getting licensed, selecting a font for his sign, finding well-fitting trousers that would keep the lady patients coming back. I've got to say, you'd be absolutely flabbergasted by the level of planning that went into it.

When Jared opened his practice, I switched jobs and landed where I am now--in a part-time gig. Someone had to put a nice dinner on the table every night, and unless I was happy to eat a bowl of Cracker Jacks at 9:30pm, that 'someone' had to be me.

Seriously, where was I going with this?

Right. I'm going back to work when Maggie's six weeks old.

But get this--I'm going back to work, part-time, from home, and Maggie's staying with me.

So instead of checking peoples' status updates on Facebook every morning for four hours while James is at school, I'll do some work. You can laugh all you want, but I honestly think it will be very manageable.

I'm one lucky girl.

And the Board of Directors? They're one super lucky group of old guys. Who else gets to have a snugly, little infant at every single meeting?

So there you have it. Nosiness satisfied--and you didn't even have to come right out and ask.

College Prep

November 6, 2009

Yesterday I made the mistake of checking my email while I'm out on maternity leave. Sure enough there was a message from the president of my organization--bless his heart--saying something to the effect of, "By no means do you have to do this, but if for some reason you're bored, can you....?"

Bored. Bored? Seriously?

Make no mistake about it, diaper and wipes aside, I've found ten-thousand-and-thirty ways to keep myself adequately busy over these last couple of weeks.

For example, I decided that it's never too early to do a little bit of college prep with James. So we've worked on his handwriting, his counting, and this kind of thing:

That's right. I taught James how to dance on top of a bar.

What? It kept him busy for an entire hour! And besides, if he goes to my alma mater--and I hope he does--this skill will really come in handy.

James does Fall

November 3, 2009

Yeah, I know, I can't seem to stop posting pictures of my kids these days.

What's that you say?... You think my kids are boring?... Well you know what?... I think your kids are a little bit slow.

So there.

And for those of you who actually enjoy these little snippets--you know, those of you with half decent taste--here's a video that captures fall in New England just perfectly.