Happy 33rd Anniversary!

May 30, 2009

Or is it the 34th?

Any way you slice it, Happy 3Xnd Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

I must say, I'm glad you got married, and that I am the crowning jewel of your sacred union--you know, as opposed to my sister.

Dad: Take her out for supper tonight, even if she resists till the cows come home and insists over and over again that she DOESN'T WANT TO GO OUT TO EAT!

Mom: Let Dad take you out to eat, you know you'll have fun once you're there.

We love you guys!!!

Weekend Plans

May 29, 2009

First, if you really, truly care about choosing an internet alias for Baby Girl Lawson, then you should strongly consider voting on the issue. At last glance Velveeta and Lawlet were within two votes of one another. Very suspenseful. I'm also quite sure that there's no limit to the number of times you're able to vote in a day--so go ahead, tip the scales, it'll be fun.

Second, I've been at my office since six o'friggin clock this morning, and I'm leaving the second this clock strikes ten. I mean it.

And finally, ay yi yi, what a week it's been. I'm so glad it's Friday.

So. Glad. It's Friday.

Since my week officially sucked butt (are Mormons even allowed to say 'sucked butt'?), I'm bound and determined to make this weekend the very best weekend in the history of my life. I've yet to develop a single strategy or activity to accomplish that goal, but really guys, I'm gonna do it.

Well, actually, I take that back. I'm quite sure that my weekend will involve onion rings in some capacity, but aside from those little beauties, and a birthday party on the coast, I'm working with a completely blank slate.

And now that I think about it, Jared has been asked to give a talk to the congregation at church on Sunday, too. But honestly, that's cool.

In all sincerity, I look forward to the rare opportunity to heckle my husband from the pews of our little chapel. For example, when he makes a scriptures reference, I like to purse my lips, sorrily shake my head and mouth the words THAT WAS TOTALLY WRONG.

Or sometimes, when I'm in the right mood, I like to grab his attention with my eyes and hold up four fingers, then three, then four. You should see his face--he's got this totally desperate expression and I know he's thinking, "Why can't I crack this code right now???? It really seems important!!!!"

And obviously, it goes without saying, that when Jared makes a joke I keep the straightest face that I possibly can. I wish you could be there, because that man's confidence drains faster than a jug of kool-aid through through the crotch of my underpants. It's remarkable.

Heck guys, Sunday's looking pretty darn good as an addition to my quest for the perfect weekend...which leads me to wonder, does anyone out there have really, unbelievably, over-the-top fantastic plans for this weekend? If so, I'd definitely like to hear about them (so I can curse you under my breath).

I'd like to hear about sucky upcoming weekends, too.

Either way, I hope you all have an enjoyable one.

The Infamous Egg Incident of 2009

May 27, 2009

Let me tell you how my day started off. Actually, scratch that. Let me tell you how my day at work started off--you know, after James took thirteen minutes to put his crocs on this morning and then decided that he'd rather wear his rain boots.

So I walked into my office building eating a hard boiled egg, because hello, I'm totally classy like that. As I greeted the cleaning woman (who was shining the baseboards because she's incredible), I noticed a tag sticking out of the front of my skirt. Upon further inspection I confirmed my suspicion that yes, I was in fact wearing my clothing backwards.

With the egg in one hand and my bag in the other, I grabbed my waistband and gave it a sharp tug in an effort to rotate the skirt 180 degrees in one not-so-graceful swoop.

Yes, I successfully turned my skirt. Bu-ut, my quick flick of the wrist launched the hard boiled yolk out of my egg, off the wall and onto the floor where I promptly proceeded to step on it with my big ol' heavy body and mash it into the carpet fibers.

All of this in front of the superhuman cleaning lady. Who had just finished freshening the carpets.

And then, THEN, when I hastily bent down in an attempt to clean my mess (or at least show how much I cared), a king-sized package of peanut butter cups, one small can of prune juice, and my beloved tube of hemorrhoidal ointment rolled out of my bag and onto the floor.

All in all, I'd have to say that the egg fiasco has been the best part of my day so far. Really, things are that good over here.

Call me crazy, but it's a nice day for hiding.

Brotherly Love and Voting

May 22, 2009

Well guys, it's official. James is completely bummed that he's having a sister--and I just can't lie, his outlook is weighing me down. Now I know full well that this will all get better with time, but for this moment, I reserve the right to feel poopy about it.

Before yesterday James talked and talked and talked some more about becoming a big brother. This kid had some really major plans that revolved around treehouses and halloween costumes. But now that he knows he's getting a dumb old sister, he's been completely tight lipped about the pending situation.

Actually, he did mention the baby one time yesterday, when he suggested that we name her "How Are You Today?" I loved his suggestion until I worked out the acronym and realized that it sounds remarkably similar to the word "hate" when said out loud.

Then, as I was putting James to bed, he threw down quite the tantrum--something I rarely see him do. Among other animated moves, he stripped down his bed, emptied his book shelves, slammed his door repeatedly (learned that one from his mother), and dumped a glass of water down the front of my shirt.

If he goes for a repeat performance tonight, I'm shipping the child to the East coast of Africa in a large, wooden crate--without hesitation. And I'm putting the "THIS END UP" stamp the wrong way. Uh huh, let's see how that little sister-hating-tantrum-thrower likes standing on his head for 4-6 weeks.

I'm not even kidding.

But let's all hope for a bedtime completely void of drama. I think I'd miss the kid.

To wrap this up, here are the family stats regarding our new discovery:

AMY--happy

JARED--shocked and overwhelmed, but happy

JAMES--pooping in his pants on purpose

MY PARENTS--very happy

JARED'S FATHER--very happy

JARED'S MOTHER--unable to contain her excitement, proclaiming the good news to the neighborhood, tripping-over-her-own two-feet happy (I'm still giggling over her reaction--absolutely priceless)

But here's the bright spot to my day, the silver lining to this dark and dismal sister cloud...we get to vote on an internet alias for this little girl!

Thank you for all of your name suggestions--they were fantastic! My expert panel of judges (thanks ladies!!!) used the magic of modern technology to narrow the choices down to about ten. Then, the super secret judge extraordinaire narrowed those down a little bit further.

If you'd like to vote, you can do so in the upper right corner of the site until next Friday at midnight.

And remember, this is a fake name for blog reference purposes only. The real name is competely up to my Mother-in-Law.

(That was just a joke, Meredith--even though I'm sure you'd do a bang up job!)

The Verdict Is In

May 21, 2009

It's a....

You know, actually, I'll just let James tell you.

This was the second take, when I was like, "C'mon buddy! Just pretend to be excited."

And this was the first take:

Oh yeah, the kid is totally thrilled.