The Joy of Receiving

December 19, 2008

Less than a week to go until Christmas, and I'm finding it next to impossible to concentrate at the office. As immature as this might sound, all I want to do is get presents. Sure I like to give, but I'd be a bold-faced liar if I didn't admit my true preference--which obviously falls on the receiving end of the spectrum.

Jared caved to temptation early this year and let me open my big Christmas present (All Hail The Holy Bread Maker) last week. I screamed, I jumped, we hugged, and within 58 minutes we had a perfect loaf of oatmeal bread to fill the collective void in our lives.

I just love Christmas.

I let Jared have his present last week, too. For all of your country folk out there, I bought my husband a Ruger Red Label Double Barrel Over Under 12-Gauge. In other words, I bought my husband a shot gun--which bears a striking resemblance to Elmer Fudd's.


Please don't hyperventilate. This gun of his has a trigger lock, a barrel lock, and two different padlocks on the case. It stays on the top shelf of a locked closet, and the ammunition is kept in a combination safe. And to put a cherry on top of the gun-safety sundae, all of the keys are in Jared's desk drawer. At his office.

Trust me, it's the plugged-in power tools that we should all be losing sleep over.

If Jared's gun still makes you wary of juvenile play dates at Chez Lawson, then I ask you this: Where do you live, and for how many hours can James stay at your house?

Really folks, this thing will do me absolutely no good against a burglar or an escaped circus lion--I'll just have to handle those type of threats with my brute strength and bare hands thankyouverymuch.

As you might imagine, Jared has been loving his gift far more than he's ever loved his wife--it's quite obvious. Several times a week, my husband will brave the wind, cold, and snow, just to get his jollies blasting skeet at the public shooting range (yes, we have those here in Maine). Trust me guys, he would never dream of "frolicking" with me in a snowbank. Ne. Ver.

But it's fine, I have fifty loaves of rye bread to keep me company. And they wear their butter so well. Sooooo well.


TUWABVB said...

It's so weird - I know that my family and friends from the East Coast (where I grew up) cringe when I mention that we have two guns in the house (including a shotgun - but it is a bit different from Bugs Bunny's nemesis) - but it doesn't bother me at all anymore. My husband was raised around guns and has such a different attitude about them - he grew up around them in Texas and treats them with respect - meaning, they are locked up, secured, cleaned, unloaded, etc. Although I know that I would be extra-careful when/if we have a child, it just doesnt' freak me out anymore. It's the yahoos that keep loaded guns under their pillows that make me worry!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Yeah, see, you got the HARDWARE aspect of gun safety figured out. But what do you do in the event of pronoun trouble? E.g.:

Shoot him now! Shoot him now!

You keep out of this. He doesn't have to shoot you now.

He does SO have to shoot me now! I DEMAND that you shoot me now!

Then - BLAMMO! - the wrong person gets shot and ends up with his beak on the TOP of his head!

How is your PRECIOUS RYE BREAD gonna protect you from this inevitable scenario?!?1!

Anonymous said...

Loved your post. I am a gun loving girl. I bought my husband a 17 one year and he still loves it more than he loves me. This year he is getting a spotting scope and I am sure that I am buying myself many hours at home alone. I love my outdoor guy and it sounds like you love yours also. Good Job.

Ian said...

Sounds like you've got gun safety taken care of, all you need now is a bumper sticker on the gun case that says "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands."

Great post, you had me rolling.

Heidi said...

I hope you are going to have bread on the menu Christmas Eve. Sounds good.

Katie said...

my hubby is DYING to get a day, one day. I told him he had to get a safe for it first. Where did you get the shotgun and how much mulah was it?

Rachel said...

I bought my hubby a paintball gun (er, "marker") one Christmas.

Weigh-in day at dietcake, girl!

Grandma said...

When you want the last slice of bread, you can sit there guarding it w/ the Elmer Fudd shotgun!

Katy Shamitz said...

You are SO country now.

Chris G said...

You may be the funniest human on the face of the planet.

Allred Mom said...

A happy husband is one with a shotgun/gun in his hand and out shooting clay pigeons or targets or weeds for that matter!
Believe me, I know this well!
Way to make your husband happy! Oh, and send some of that bread my way! I LOVE HOMEMADE BREAD! My family does, too! Just ask Megan! :)

Michelle Glauser said...

Good thing you published where that key is, because in no time James will be reading and he'll be able to find it eeeeasy. :)

Cheryl said...

Oh Hallelujah! You got the beloved breadmaker. Yay! Way to go on a cool present for the hubby, too.

Harshes said...

Bread machines rock! I keep looking at your number in my phone and wanting to call. But you know how when you live away from a friend and haven't talked in like FOREVER it's gonna be a long conversation to 'catch up'?! Well, I worry about catching you at a bad time or that all 3 of my kids will start screaming the minute you say 'hello' (b/c they always do) that I haven't had the courage to call. I am so lame.

Heather said...

Um, I got my firegun safety certification for a story I wrote for a magazine once, and I got my hunter safety certification when I worked for the fish & game department. Me loves shooting! It's super fun. We did target shooting at the dude ranch in Arkansas last year. I was still a really good shot. I told Pete to watch it. ;)

Hey have a good holiday!! Merry Merry Christmas!

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

You got my bread maker?! I so want a bread maker.

The gun...not so much. :-)

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