May 29, 2008
For the record, James is not yet potty trained. He is, however, trained to sing songs on the potty, lie about pooing in his Sponge Bob underpants, pee on our front steps, and sop up his own messes with a washcloth.
Want to hear my new potty training philosophy? Okay, great. It goes like this: 'Wet your pants all you want. But eventually, your girlfriend will mind.'
I know I wasn't happy when Jared accidentally whizzed on my forearm back in 2001.
How to Bake an Apple Pie. Naked.
May 28, 2008When I was in kindergarten we kept a daily journal. I remember like it was yesterday--we would sit down at the miniature tables, scribble some crapola into a manila notebook, and narrate the story of our picture to the sweet teacher's aide. She would lovingly record each and every word, offer me a warm smile, lightly pat me on the shoulder and deliver the drawing straight to the hands of my teacher.
It never failed--Mrs. Hagan would take one look at my day's entry, let out a dramatic sigh, and do one of three things: a) lead me into the coatroom for a private talk about appropriateness, b) call my mother, or c) call the school psychologist.
Looking back, I now understand that her plan of action depended largely upon her mood that day. If Scotty (the red-headed class clown) was behaving, I got off with a simple lecture. But if Scotty launched a puppet into the fish tank, or licked some one's mittens, or ate a jar or paste I knew I was in for it. The woman just couldn't handle his antics and my nudie pics on the same day.
Yes. That is correct. I used my journal to draw naked people. Lots and lots (and lots) of naked people.
I'm still not sure what inspired me in that direction, other than the fact that my friend Judy sat me down one afternoon and gave me a drawing lesson which covered dogs and cats, potted flowers, and nude humans. I gravitated toward the third.
I had no idea what a naked person actually looked like, so I would draw a simple body-like outline and let the narrations bring the illustration to life. Usually the story would say something like:
This is my friend Shawna. She is walking in front of the Statue of Liberty. Naked.
or
This is Bo. He is walking his dog to school. Naked.
or
This is my mailman at the the beach. He is holding a balloon and he is naked.
My mother still loves to tell the story of my first parent-teacher conference. Before she even delved into my pencil-holding style and friendship skills, Mrs. Hagan plainly asked, "Do you and your husband like to walk around the house nude?" My mom was all, "What? Excuse me? No!"
And just to clear the air, my mother was telling the honest truth. Other than occasional lap around the house in his tighty-whities, my father and mother always wore some type of socially appropriate clothing. I was just artsy I suppose.
I haven't thought about my kindergarten journal entries in years, but suddenly they're in the forefront of my mind. You see, I've received a giant Karmic thwap in the pants, and James is now obsessed with his mother's nudity.
Yesterday at the bank...
BANK TELLER: Oh, you're cute! Would you like a lollipop?
JAMES: Uh, yes. An my mom yikes ta wok aroun mekkid! (translation: Uh, yes. And my mom likes to walk around naked.)
Yesterday in the front yard...
MAIL CARRIER: Hi James!
JAMES: Hi. My mom es mekkid aw da time.
This morning at day care...
ME: Have a fun morning, James!
JAMES: I say to da teacha that Mommy es mekkid in da house.
ME: No James, you won't say that to your teacher.
JAMES: Uhhhhh....???? I gonna say dat.
ME: Fine.
Yes, I completely deserve this. Yes, my mother still has the kindergarten-naked-journals. And yes, I'll ask her to dig them out so I can scan and post some of my finest work.
In the mean time, I desperately need to get back to work. Naked.
Variations on the Tinkle
May 25, 2008
This is the sound of my three-year-old peeing:
Call me crazy, but I'm genuinely convinced my child has been blessed with a heaping spoonful of talent. Seriously, do you hear that improvisation at the end?
I also maintain that Matt Lauer has the backside of an ancient Roman god. So yes, I'm willing to accept the fact that my opinions might stray from those of the general public.
Who's Your Daddy?
May 24, 2008
These days, Jared is doing the bulk of the family grocery shopping and errand running. Because of his sometimes less-than-desirable selections at the supermarket (4 pounds of taco meat, a box of Twinkies and an apple), I like to help him along. From time to time I'll clip coupons or make a list to guide him in the shopping process, but I won't mince words here--unless the stars align on a Tuesday and I'm feeling moderately hormonal, I'm far to lazy for that kind of administrative work. Usually, to ease my own load I pick up the weekly sale circular, circle a few key items in red, and send him on his way.
The circular came today and I simply couldn't resist the urge to circle this:
These days, Jared is doing the bulk of the family grocery shopping and errand running. Because of his sometimes less-than-desirable selections at the supermarket (4 pounds of taco meat, a box of Twinkies and an apple), I like to help him along. From time to time I'll clip coupons or make a list to guide him in the shopping process, but I won't mince words here--unless the stars align on a Tuesday and I'm feeling moderately hormonal, I'm far to lazy for that kind of administrative work. Usually, to ease my own load I pick up the weekly sale circular, circle a few key items in red, and send him on his way.
The circular came today and I simply couldn't resist the urge to circle this:
Happy shopping, J-dog!
Cast Your Vote!
May 23, 2008Wow. Have you all read the comments on Thursday's post? Before yesterday I had absolutely no idea who my target market was--Moms? Mormons? Runners? Jared's 97 cousins?
But now my friends, it's perfectly clear--this blog appeals to lazy sacks of crap. And hooooo boy, I love it!
Do you realize that the average 'Lawsons do Dallas' reader spends roughly 75% of their work day farting around?
In an effort to honor my dedicated readers (and your dedication means a lot to me since you're all so stinkin' lazy), I've decided to change the tagline on my blog. Here are the choices:
A. The Lawsons do Dallas--The Premier On-Line Community for People who Poop, Procrastinate, and Pretend to Work.
B. The Lawsons do Dallas--Don't Worry. You're Boss is Probably Reading It, Too.
C. The Lawsons do Dallas--Quick! Act Like You're Working!
D. The Lawsons do Dallas--A Place to Practice for Retirement.
E. The Lawsons do Dallas--Read Now. Photo-Copy Your Ass Later.
Feel free to cast your vote in the comments section, or make a suggestion of your own--that is, if you can spare a minute. While you're deliberating over the choices, just remember--you've all exceeded my expectations.
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